Collapse in Suburbia

Let’s start from the beginning of my end.

Honestly, lately I’ve been really struggling with my mental health. And I am not saying it for you to pity me, it’s just a fact. I’ve stopped feeling happy in life, do things that I used to do everyday, stopped sleeping, eating propperly…I’ve stopped enjoying what life has to offer.

I am tired of having panic attacks everytime over a minor thing that stresses me out. I can’t deal with the endless pressure on my chest because anxiety is overwhelming my body on the scariest level possible. I am constantly in mental pain over it because inside of me I know it is not normal, it is not a way that a life should be lived.

I am saying this to you because it is my only option, I guess. Not to be harsh or anything but nobody would understand propperly if I said it out loud. Not because people are not able to understand, but if they never experienced it, then they would not be able to have a propper conversation about those stuggles with me. And I don’t want to confuse them more than they might be.

I decided to stop telling people that I am depressed. Since people are people and they have their own life and own problems, I just can’t put my shit on their shoulders and expect them to carry it all with them. That is just selfish and I should have realized that ages ago. It is simply not fair from me to want them to deal with it when I don’t even know how to deal with it on my own.


The one thing that maybe bothers me the most is that I’ve stopped doing things that make me feel alive.

I’ve stopped writing.

Drawing (even though I was not that good but I enjoyed it in my free time)

Taking pictures.

The only thing that I do nowadays is just listening to sad music and not doing anything progressive. I feel like there is this big hole inside of me that I don’t know how to fix. Simply said- there is something missing. And I know that it might be the purpose of life itself.

What is worse, I don’t know if I will ever be able to find it. At least I’ve been thinking about that lately.

I am 22 now and I still do not know what I want to do in life because I don’t feel like I am “excelling” at anything, that I am not good enough to proceed a carrier in anything that might fulfill me. I am just wandering around without any obtainable destination. I don’t know where I want to go because I have no energy to even think about it.

Sometimes I am asking myself if I should reach out to some guidance but from my past attempts I know that there is nobody who should fix you, be your hero- because you have to be your own hero at the end of the day. And that will never change.

So I am just blindly going in circles and really really struggling with my own sanity and thoughts that are most of the times able to mentally kill me for the majority of the day. Sometimes I get so sad out of the sudden because I read a quote I can relate to or see a picture that remind me certain stuff…as a result- I am emotionally unstable as hell. And the worst part? I realize that on every single level.

Do you think that the oblivious state or mind would be better in this case? Or is it better to be aware?

Anyway, this was a little venting session that I just needed because I don’t feel like talking about it to people without destroying them entirely. I just can’t do that anymore. I am sorry.

I had to get it out and I might focus on the various things I mentioned in greater detail later on.




Who we truly are

It is unbelievable how many people are trying to pretend that they are somebody else.

Like they are pretending that thoughts in their head are being managed by somebody totally different. Just like somebody else just took over their head on their command. The same “somebody else” who fears on behalf of them, someone who takes over everything, who spins all the doubts in their head like over a thousand times a day. Someone who repeats that one mistake all over again for them, while swearing it as the last time now.

What do they get from it?
Is it like a some kind of twisted pleasure?
Or is it just a sweet feeling?
To die while you are still alive.

What really interests me, when will I ever give up on talking and writing. I will not explain things to those who do not understand and those who do I have nothing to say to.
And yet, I am still trying, like a fool.

Just a habit…habit, habit, habit- repeating itself.


Soul search

Every morning I am waking up bored to reality and through the majority of nights I am rambling about how are we supposed to wake up to the dream we’ve always been dreaming of.

You are sitting at your kitchen table at the morning, looking out of the window, thinking like “how the hell did I get to this mess we call a life?”.
You are in a situation that you might think you won’t survive, that the thing is not going to get solved since life (and also shit) happens.
If you dig into the past, let’s say a year and a half ago, that you and your pride did not think you’d survive and three years ago you were even in a bigger mess than this, you did not think you’d survive either.
The point is, that you are able to always surprise yourself with the amount of strength you have at the bottom of your soul, because every time you think you’re not gonna survive this or that, it always turns out that the bottom will never leave you hanging and help you find your way back.

Maybe one day, you will find the right way back home, because there might be someone waiting for you. The minute you step inside, you discover that you are not the one who’s lost.


Pic source: Tumblr

“I met you for a reason”


After hearing this sentence for the first time I immediately thought of people that I will never forget in my life. We do not even have to talk anymore, but you left behind something that made me the person I am today.
Like, have you ever imagined that someone who made such a huge impact on your life, actually never came near you? Do you think that your life would be the same? Ahh, those questions…after all, everybody’s a hero after the fight.

But out of the general point of view, there are people who come to your life that you, on one hand, will never forget even though they are not in your life now, but on the other hand, there are also people who you would be glad that are not in your life anymore, just because of the toxicity of their nature.

As a matter of fact, time goes by so fast, sometimes you do not even realize and one month pass without you even really noticing. My point is, that sometimes (maybe just accidentally) you are forgetting to value those people who are surrounding you. It doesn’t have to be just about the forgetting, but you just simply don’t do it for some unknown reason. The things is, that as long as they are here, appreciate them, make them see it and most importantly never miss an opportunity to tell them how much they mean to you.

Then there are those people that you meet at the most unexpected times of your life, get to know them like a back of your hand, spend a scary amount of time with them and then it hits you and you start thinking about the other side of the card. I mean, you look at them and a sudden thought comes through your head, like- “Damn, it’s gonna hurt so bad when they leave…” But after all, then you shush this thought with a simple “Oh my, I prayed for this and I can’t believe it’s here. It’s happening.” And everything bad just leaves.

In life we meet so many people- like those who give us the best memories, that you will tell your children one day, even though when you met you were just two empty trains entering even emptier station. Even if your railways split at some point (which is always an option) you will follow the way with a feeling that both your presence but also your absence might mean (or meant) something.

We need at least one person in our lives who understands what we do not say. Even if we send just a picture or a song to them, they immediately know what we are trying to say. It’s understandable because there are days when you don’t know how to express yourself, and that’s completely normal.
Those people surround themselves with this notion that I have always wanted to experience – meaning, that it is amazing how some of them can feel like home. It is not a rule that home needs to be just a house and it happens that you feel homesick for them.

Those people touch you without even touching you.

Those people who you think you knew even before getting to know them for real.

Those people who understand every single corner of your mixed up mind.

Those people are insane but important.

..because two souls don’t find each other by simple accident.

I firmly believe we met for a reason, whether it was for making each other happy or for help. I will never stop being a decent person even though there were times when I really wanted to stop, and appreciate them in the best way possible.

That’s my plan- what’s yours?


Pics source: Tumblr

WEEK 9 part 2- The very last day in Germany, Early Lift and Saying Goodbye (Summer experience in Germany)



Waking up to the last day  in Germany. To be completely honest, it felt weird, like I have never been this long anywhere other than at my own home and this became my home as well. Maybe not particularly the House, but people, memories, occasions…and so much more.
The last time shutting off the alarm, the last morning routine, the last full morning metro…I mean, I was excited to come home to him, to family and friends but I was feeling that I am going to leave a piece of me here in Germany.

My last day of work was kind of fast- the same daily routine as usual, my colleagues were kind of sad that I am leaving, I would be lying that I did not cry once I shut my locker for the last time and hugged my favorite colleague goodbye. Once I left the company, I knew it’s over and probably I will never see them again.

Metro cutie

I came to the house and immediately started packing a little because our lift back to our country was supposed to come about 11 pm. Me, L and guys wanted to go to groceries to buy some food for the way home as well as some sweets and stuff for family and friends so I packed like 1/3 of it all. We sat on metro and drove like 3 stops to the groceries.
After our shopping was done, it happened.
L’s phone started ringing and it was the guy who was supposed to drive us to our home country. He said that he was supposed to take one more guy to the car but he canceled last minute so it is just me and L. It was about 8 pm and the guy said he is supposed to be at our place in about 45 minutes.

I was immediately like FUCK!! I am not even remotely done with packing.

He was awesome because he said that it is not a problem to wait a little since he was really early. Panic attack that came to my head hit me so hard because I was somehow not ready to leave right away. I wanted to physically and mentally say goodbye to Munich  and people I got to meet there…and I suddenly did not have time. That was so upsetting for me and my head was then all over the place.
We got to the metro station as quick as possible and the battle with time was about to start.

I came “running” to my room and started insanely packing my suitcase and other bags I had and when I was done it was about the time the guy was about to come. I do not know how I managed to do that because when I was packing to Germany, it took me like 4 hours.

I surely was a potato head -_-

I just wanted to run downstairs, tell goodbye to boys and other roommates that were all over the place, just to hug them and leave since I had no time for a proper conversation. Some goodbyes were harder and some of them were normal, you know you can’t create a deeper connection with everybody. That’s life.

This day in Art gallery with those people was like everything!!

So the call came and we were supposed to take our stuff downstairs, we had 16 bags and 2 huge suitcases together with L and I was able to see in the guys eyes that he was really unhappy with this baggage situation. He later told us that he usually charge more for this extra luggage but since it is out first time he let it pass. Thank god! *nervous laugh*

This was the only picture of the luggage we have, but it was the first packing, when we were leaving our House in Garching- the second home packing was 2 bags more.

So I smoked my last cigarette, said my last goodbyes, waved for the last time…and we left. We had a little dinner and both of us fell asleep.
The car was extremely fast and we were back home in less than 5 hours (usually takes 6-7 hours by car). Once I got out of the car and saw my house I felt this sudden relief and all the pressure I was feeling on my chest suddenly disappeared.

I was home.


Here we are. This is the end of the story-time of the two months long trip to Germany. I have to admit, apart from other things, I really enjoyed my time here. It gave me some sense of responsibility, meaning that I had to really take care of myself, buy and prepare meal for myself, do my laundry…just, you know?

Adult life.

This was the very first time for me leaving for this long and the result was just great- I gained confidence in taking care of myself, got to know new people, got to see new and beautiful places, listen to so many stories from people, have a proper laugh/fun, work hard, discover new languages and cultures, complain to people, take advice and give one when needed…that’s like so much guys. I am so incredibly grateful that I got an opportunity to come here and live like this. Without being nosy or whatever, I have to say I am proud of myself that I made it, I know it might sound childish or it is not such a big achievement in life or whatever, but I really was and still am kind of proud anyway.


I wanted to thank to all of the people that made my trip as awesome as it was, that made me laugh, realize things, made me have fun even though I did not really want it from time to time. The trip was a pleasant experience and if you have an opportunity to go somewhere like this do not really hesitate and go for it because it will teach you a lot about yourself, believe me. I am not saying that you will find yourself there, but you will surely get to know if you are ready for the unknown, undiscovered and maybe a little scary area that is called Adulthood.

*infinitely grateful*

xo ♥


P.s: As I am looking around this is my 200th article here (!!!) and I can’t be happier that I am back guys. Major *T.H.A.N.K* Y.O.U* for sticking around for this long.

WEEK 9 part 1- Last three days in Germany, DEATH experience and a very hasty packing (Summer experience in Germany)



If you haven’t read  →WEEK 8 ← already, you have to because it is deeply connected to this one, at least with the ending.


Long story short- we had to move to a different location for our last three days in Munich. So imagine us, for two months living with just people in my age (approximately 18-25), all from the same country and then you come to a house that is actually cut out from 90s movies. Where you experience death stares just because you are trying to get your luggage up to the second floor and you’re basically gonna get killed (either with eyes or with a knife).
I might be exaggerating a little, but that was my first impression, okay?

We finished moving,so the unpacking part came to the plate. Well, we packed sloppily since we knew we have to repack in like three days, showed everything into cupboards, under bed, on the fridge…everywhere was something. The little OCD cleaning freak inside of my head nearly died these few months but I was like “shut the hell up, it’s not for life, calm down” – your German mantra.

And man!! That shopping cart was so helpful.

First (minor) problem- weird people staring
Second (bigger) problem- where the fuck are toilets and showers?
Third (kind of a big) problem- I am gonna get stabbed to the neck if I want to go downstairs to the kitchen full of middle aged Romanian workers to prepare myself a meal for the next days lunch?

Shove it Shakespeare with your “to be or not to be? – that is the question”, unfortunately this ↑ was an important question.
But okay, I am still here so I am alive and kicking and I survived the fight for the MF cooker!


The only thing I remember about from this day was that me and L came home from work and all we wanted was to eat and go to the shower. What was really “odd” – we did not really know if there are some “girl” showers. So I took it as a scavenger hunt and tried to talk to girls downstairs, if they know something. I got to know that there is one shower that is just for girls- achievement unlocked!! I got the key and me and L went to observe it.
I was not really surprised when we found 1 m x 1 m big room with shower, sink and a toilet, what a smart move. But, what surprised me the most was the “hole” that was supposed to be a shower from where the water was, not “normally flowing”, but splashing all around not even directly on you, okayyy thanks a lot. Last but not least, what freaked me out the most was the amount of dirt that came out of the drain once you showered more than 2 minutes. Well- fuck, only two days left N, just hold on!!


And believe me, you really  want to stay here for this one.

Working day, like every other one. The only different thing was that me Matt, L and Matthew met after work on Marien Platz to make some “final cut” shopping since we were leaving Germany on Wednesday.

We were there for a few hours and I did not really paid attention to messenger and stuff but once I opened it I saw like 40 messages in a group chat (people from the old house) we had. I scrolled up to the first message and read as fast as I could.

Once I saw words like POLICE and FIRE FIGHTERS and WE CAN’T COME INTO THE HOUSE…I was like what the fuck happened. And then I read a bit more and…

The quite important thing I did not mention – the whole second floor was so smelly I thought I was gonna die once I entered it. Everyone thought it was just trash (2 huge cans were in the corners) or toilets or whatever. LSS, we did not really pay attention to it.

…I found out there was a DEAD BODY two rooms from mine. What was not surprising now- the smell was coming from under the the room door since the guy was DEAD FOR OVER 4 DAYS at that point. Oh god.
Later on we got to know that it was an old guy living there for many years, apparently liked to drink a lot and must have had an heart attack or whatever. The people from the house haven’t seen him in a while and once hey stepped inside of his room, they got to know why.
This could only happen the last day us being there! What are the freaking odds??

What was most disgusting about this whole thing,(fortunately the police let us to our room), the police was in and out of the room like every 5 minutes, coroner had to examine the body, pack up all the evidence…blah blah blah, long story short they were there for 8 hours and just then they took the body away. The amount of smell that was at that hall was just everything- even if we closed the door, the smell was coming from under them anyway, which was unbelievable. A few of us gathered in one room and drank beer and talked about it a little afterwards. I remember it was around midnight and I was sitting in the opened window (because the smell was just horrendous) smoking with S, we were talking a little, reminiscing about all the things that have happened during these 2 months…it was officially my last night in Germany.

Let me pause here and leave it for now since it is a long ass story-time.

See you in part 2 now!!


WEEK 8, Part 2- Getting a Twenty Euro Tip from a Stranger and Moving to a “New” House- STORY TIME 4/4 (Summer experience in Germany)



It was Saturday about 12 o clock and me and Matt were sitting in tram on our was home from work and talking like we always did. I noticed a middle aged guy looking at us once in a while and had a feeling that he was able to understand our language. Firstly I thought that he is from Serbia, because our languages are pretty similar, but then I was like nah, he is just looking around and this is just a coincidence.

I was heading to Marien Platz to grab something to eat and Matt was heading back to the House, but as soon as he got a call from Matthew he sat on metro and came to Marien Platz as well. It turned out that Matthew decided to go to the streets and play the guitar and sing for money, but one of his strings broken and Matt had to come there and help him find a music shop where he can replace the string.
So once he got to the station point we got on the next Metro and headed to Marien. And guess what? The guy from tram was here again and sat in the box with us. I was like what the come? This town is too big to see somebody for more than one time! What is this? But I was still like- okay, that shit just happens from time to time.


Marien Platz 🙂 

Matthew picked out the most frequent part of the street, stood there and played his ass off. It was kinda interesting to watch that goofy guy wanting to act all serious and shit but as soon as he saw us he stopped because he got embarrassed. Matt found him a music shop pretty nearby the place where we were standing at that moment so he packed up all of his things and we headed there. As soon as we came there a guy behind the counter directed us upstairs so Matthew can buy a string and play a little bit more. When we climbed the stairs I noticed the same guy from the tram and Metro was looking at sound systems!  I just whispered to guys that “What the hell? What a stalker” (of course in our language) and the guy just turned around and with a smile on his face said: “You look familiar!” (of course in OUR LANGUAGE!) oh hell…
I was just jaw down looking at him like what the actual fuck…like I knew that in Munich are living a lot of people from my country but to encounter one guy in one hour and already 3 times and then learn that he comes from the same country as you do? Okay *nervous laugh* ! I knew that he understood what was I saying in the tram!! My gut was right.

We chatted a while about a few things, we got to know that he is a musician as well, then he explained that he lived in Munich for a year now and have never met a person from our country, so he did not make any friend that would talk in the same language as he did. Not that that was a problem or anything but it seemed a little off.
Anyway, he went back to his business and Matthew bought a new string for his guitar. While he was changing the string the guy came down to the cashier and gave her a shit load of money for the sound system and for some instrument. Then he came to us and told Matthew: “I’ve heard you playing on the streets and it sounded really really good, I was impressed.” and then he handed him a 20 euro bill and said that it is for a fellow musician and that he was young as well and certainly knows how hard is it to play on the streets just like that. We were all blown away with his generosity.
Naturally, Matthew did not want to accept it but the guy was adamant and did not want to take the bill back. We thanked him like 5 times because something like this just do not happen in normal life.
When we left the store Matthew was so happy that he invited us to grab Kebab to have this little celebratory junk food.
It was a good day, because who wouldn’t want a free lunch?
Count me in!



But the next day was THE day.
We got a message from the lady who was mediating this whole “working experience”, as well as accommodation, that we have to move out from our beloved House, for *wait for it* 3 days!!
We were supposed to leave back to our home country in 3 days and now we had to move into a new location…I was so angry you can’t even imagine.
So on Sunday imagine me and L trying to pack everything into like 6512647 bags (even more bags we originally came with) – but now for real- both of us ended up with like 7 bags+ a huge suitcase. The new House we were supposed to move was like 3 stops away from our House so imagine us dragging half of the bags with us (+the suitcases) to the metro station then to the new House (we were living on the 2nd floor- well done) and again back to our old House for the next round of bags.

When we came to the old House for the second, and also the last time everything became really quiet. Like too quiet. There was no laughter from the rooms, no music from the kitchen, no cursing from the washing room…depressing quietness.
We checked if we did not forget something by accident in any room, ate our last meal in the kitchen, drank our last coffee in front of the house, I lit up my last cigarette there as well. It was kinda peaceful and dignified way to say our final goodbye to the House we spend almost 2 months in. The only thing that was off was the weather since it was cloudy and dark.

When we were making our last selfie in front of the House and a sudden weather miracle happened.

There was a field in front of our House and when you looked at it, it was now crossed by a strip of pure sunlight. The exact minute when we were leaving the house for good the clouds retreated and one of the most beautiful sunsets occurred right in front of our eyes. I can’t imagine a better way how could have Garching said its last goodbye to us.

I am really happy that I got a chance to live in this House even though the showers were always full, as well as toilets and do not let me started about kitchen- but it had its charm and now when some time passed, I can say it was the best House we could have had.
DO you know why?
Because the worst was just coming. 

I will explain everything in WEEK 9 –  because it will be a raw description of events that occurred in the last three days in Munich.
And it was drastic.

Don’t miss it and prepare for the story time that will leave you speechless.


P.s: The last 4 photos are L’s- the credit belongs to you my dear, huge thank you again!!