Before we turn the lights out, all we have is who we are

“ℵ”

I was working this past week at one exhibition and it’s been a very exhausting few days in my life. I do really admire people who work with people in such close contact as I did and I can say that this was a really  back – breaking experience (literally).

The last days was kinda free because there were just a few people. Not that much as e.g Wednesday or Thursday and people were kinda grumpy and not willing to participate. After like 5 refusals in a row I just got a little upset, it was visible, and one salesman who worked with me just came to me and told me one sentence that was a little bit terrifying. It went something like this:

,,You know what? I looks like a bad karma is attracting a bad karma. Maybe this is the case, don’t you think?” 

At that time it just didn’t sound that weird (honestly it sounded more as a joke at that time), but after I came home I started to think about it a little bit more.
I have always been a little scared of me being “bad” or “vicious” in real life. It always looks like I am like that, but after people get to know me it is different (at least I’ve heard it that way..), because I am not the person I look like when you see me for the first time. I don’t care about the first impression unless it is very important for me and for people who cares about it. Because if people really wanna get to know me, they don’t really care about the first impression.

Not too many people can see under the mask on the first meeting, not many people are able to break the walls that quickly. I am sure, people who got hurt and who are afraid to take chances with new people would understand this issue.
It is not about the mask, but about protecting yourself. It is okay to meet new people, but not that good to get affected in a way it feels inappropriate. I mean, it is always a good decision to maintain your own face. Because you can copy someone, you surely can, but still can’t be him/her. You will still be you in the best way possible.

I will always be afraid to be bad in mind of mine, because I am not like that. I can feel it. I don’t care what people think about me in general and I will never will because I am just that kind of a person. If I wanna say something, I will.If I wanna do something, I will and will be satisfied with that, because that’s how I am.

So always before I turn the lights out I do make sure I know who I am, because that’s really all I have.
After some thinking I still have that one sentence in my head, that what if it is other way, what if he was right. Still waiting for somebody to tell me that he was wrong. Not according to this, but according to my actions. Maybe I will hear it someday.

I just open the door and wait till somebody close it with an answer.
After that I’ll know.

N.

P.s: Free day? Free meadow full of clovers and daisies should be enough for now.

meadow

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