“Getting used to” is not always the final destination

I have a confession to make.
I am not a morning person.
Okay it’s out now.

Well I don’t really like to wake up early because then I am like- ” oh my, what am I gonna do the whole day? I’ll probably stay at home, scrolling down Blogs or Instagram or whatsoever.” Boring much?
For last two weeks, as I was still at work, I’ve realized something.
As I was waking up pretty early for me not being a fan of mornings, I’ve realized I enjoy drinking coffee alone and sitting in kitchen with my legs situated on the other chair, reading news on the Internet, seeing what’s new in the world while here’s particularly nothing happening.
As I was going to work I’ve realized that I like riding the bus alone while having my earphones plugged in my ears for a sign – *do not disturb* and walking home alone from work at the afternoon.
And then when I came home I’ve realized that I like eating alone while listening to music or whatever stupid cartoon or series on my computer, not even watching, using them for some kind of backround, but enjoying the time while I am here with me, thinking, setting my mind free at least for a little while to take my brain for a walk.
But sometimes as I am walking around town while heading home and for example seeing a family at the playground, or a couple being in love, walking and talking or best friends having fun, laughing – I’ve realized that even though I got used to being alone so much but I don’t really like or don’t really fancy being alone at all. Then I looked at the sky and noticed that it’s so beautiful (most of the time I take a picture because I am being me okay?) and people around are so sad. And then I’ve realized that I need someone who won’t run away from me.

I don’t know maybe it’s just me or other people too, but I think we are all looking for someone, who will care enough to try. I am not saying it has to be only a friend or only a relationship- you can take anything from this- Even though the person won’t have the best memory on things or names or events or not even dates, but will indeed remember those little things about you. We are looking for someone who has always been shy in front of a lot of people but if the persons with you, he/she opens up to you when the right time will come. It has always been known, that the person has never been good at keeping the conversation ongoing for so long but if it’s connected to you, can’t suddenly shut up.
Lastly, we are looking for someone like that ↑ not hoping to change them, no, not at all, but there will always be a hope that we will matter enough for them and they will stay.

I am so grateful for people in my life that surrendered, it makes me feel I am worth and even though I feel alone or lonely I know, that they will be here if I need them. Even though I don’t see them much I know there is still a bond between us, so even though I got used to a everyday loneliness I still have to keep those door open for them, the little gap to let them know I am still here.

N.

door to nowhere

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