Love hard when there is love to be had

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about feelings of love, what it means to me and why the hell I am still here after that shit load of disappointment I’ve been through. I mean, why do I still believe in this kind of happening in humans life?

Let’s say, everybody wants to be happy, right? Nobody wants to look over his/hers shoulder and realize that, hmm okay I wasted my life with being alone and now when the end is near- nobody stands by my side because I have never really let somebody to come closer to my heart.
If you wanna know, this also happens, but it’s rare, because so many people do this- if they are aware that they won’t find anybody else, even though they are not really satisfied with their current partner, they’d stay with him/her because they know they won’t find anybody else. You see?- they are doing this just because they don’t wanna be alone and after some time they’ll simply get used to that. Well, todays world, shoot me for being right.

I’ve been thinking about so many things connected to all of this- how I want to love, why I want to love the way I want to love, what I need to learn to love the way I wanna love, who I really need to become if I wanna receive some similar kind of love I am prepared to give…I told you, soo many things here.
When I sat down, tried to break it into one sequence, or one circle, I got this: Before my last days aka before I die, I wanna know a lot about the other person. I wanna know his hiding place/places, where he is hiding all of his secrets, memorable things, every single solitude, every single prayer he does while something is fucked up…because I want to be absolutely sure that I’ll keep it safe. I know I will keep it safe.
Because this is all about happiness for the other party and hope for a better tomorrow.

Once ,I’ve read somewhere something interesting about happiness. So let me make a little interpretation – Happiness happens during the hottest night of the summer, when you can’t even breathe and slowly going to bed, where you can’t even wear a T-shirt and have to sleep on the top of the sheets not under them. Feeling so tired, you just wanna fall asleep right that minute, but the sleep is not in the menu right away, but hell- the heat is so unbearable.
Finally, at some point of the night, so so late, just a few minutes before dawn, the heat breaks into a cool night full of secrets and unsaid things. You wake up for a second or two, feeling so chilled out, but groggy af, turn on the other side with sheets warm enough to cover up your tired body and fall asleep again. And this is it- this gesture- when you pull something over you, whether it’s something or someone – the feeling you’ll get when you really do it, feeling of safety and being prepared to sleep again. Yes, that’s happiness.

You know, he is not perfect, but the things is, I am not perfect either and we will never be. But the ability of making a person laugh and remind them of a really good feeling that is worth is something that not everybody is able to create for you. If he admits that he is just a human a he makes mistakes, hold onto him as long as you can. I am sure he is not going to have anything to do with poetry as you sometimes do, he will never be thinking about every moment like you do, but one of the most important things is, that he will give you a part of him that you will be able to break. Don’t try to change him, not because he is old enough to be changed, but he has his ups and downs like you do and you have to respect that. Lastly, don’t expect more than he can give. I know you are the one who analyzes a lot, you should stop at this point. Smile when you are happy that you are near him and he made that smile shine and miss him when he is not with you at that one moment.
You don’t even know how many people want this – Β love hard when there is someone to love, when there is love to be had.Β 
Perfect people don’t exist, and if you are not already with him/her, I am sure the perfect one for you is waiting there- take your time, no worries he/she will wait for you.

Hope.

N.

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5 thoughts on “Love hard when there is love to be had

  1. I had this kind of love for 27 years 11 months with my deceased husband…I didn’t know all of his secrets nor he all of mine. We laughed A LOT and had “discussions” and not arguments…he’s been dead for 7 years this coming October…I miss him every single day.

    Liked by 1 person

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