The Fifth Symphony of my Life

“Beata est vita conveniens naturae suae”

Sometimes I get this one thought in my head that, if I were an angel, I would shit on people from the height. I wouldn’t care about them. I wouldn’t have a reason to help them,  to pick them up after they fall or lifting their heavy rocks of their consciousnesses. I would never be able to watch them committing suicides, to watch their crocked relationships, to watch them trying to ban themselves from a simple feature of their life- being all natural, being spontaneous. Just like they are running in front of themselves, just like they are falling asleep with stemmed tears in their eyes and just like they are not seeing the fact, that they are becoming someone who they have never wanted to be.

BUT

Everything has its “but”…
But I am just an ordinary human being, just a ordinary woman. I can’t give on people just like that, I haven’t been raised like that, because unlike those winged creatures, I have a magical thing called conscience. The thing is, I love to call it a internal catharsis of a soul. You can imagine it like a raised finger, pointed out to the sky.
I am just letting you know that you will never run away from your actions, you will never run away from the mirror ones- never.

We want to believe in miracles just when we really freaking need them. It doesn’t have to necessarily come in a trumpery form of a sparkly smoke, but they come from time to time. Sometimes things we don’t understand (and we never will) happen and we classify them as miracles because we have no other choice. And if we look at it from other perspective, it is just a ordinary and very often wrongly understood simple principle.

After reading some books I’ve realized so many things about people, their behavior and their tendency to do things their way. Maybe also their tendency to forget so quickly. I mean, I think it is one of the worst mistakes of a human being ever- forgetting. To erase themselves, to erase the child hidden that is living inside (or at least was living…), who is getting to know the world, I’d say, pretty empirically. Adding up, dividing, redoubling and calculating at the end.

There are just times when words mean only that much, how much a rock thrown onto the calm surface of a mountain lake. The rock will disturb the peacefully looking surface of a mind and a human is not able to see the reflection of himself.

What do you think – can we live with it?

N.

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