“I don’t know my name”

“The only thing that makes sense today is that I want to breathe.”

It is always kinda hard for me to start writing. Eventually I always start to write down my thoughts and it will turn into smooth and logical piece of art (for me), but still a little bit hard from time to time, especially with a day long headache.

Today (actually an hour ago), I was walking home, through the town of pure winter, listening to music. There are days when I just listen to the music and let my mind fly away with the particular beat, but there are also days when I listen to words and just to words and nothing else. I let them talk to me and fill out the missing places in me (at last for a while), because I know that even though everything seems eventually okay (right now), the blank space is still there (at some point). So as I was walking down, listening to the words and I’ve heard this interesting sentence- ,,I don’t know my name”. That’s kind of accurate, because sometimes, I wake up at the morning with an intention to leave everything behind and just pack my shit and leave (I have talked about this issues countless times, I guess) with no intention of a final destination – to get to know me better, to find out where I am heading with my life, what I want to do in like 5 years. I don’t know if that’s normal in my age, not to know those things. If it is normal, please tell me that you are the same because sometimes I am scared I am getting bonkers. Still somehow lost, trying to get found.

Then there’s the time when I always eventually calm myself down with an assurance that people, in general, are not static at all and they will never be. You can always pick which side you want because the world is shifting whether you like it or not and people are “moving” with it. The thing is that if you don’t like the direction you’re heading to, you can simply change it and take another path. It is never too late to shift things into a better direction, because as a matter of fact, people do fuck up, a lot- but as a result, they most of the times leave what is broken to be broken with a knowledge that if they can’t fix it, they can’t fix it. They can’t make it, or be perfect. Nobody is perfect.

The fear is the worst puppet master. People let the fear define them, because as much as they are trying to avoid it, it will still try to overwhelm them even more. The feeling when your heart starts pounding like crazy when you are in the crowd of people or maybe when you have to fight your anxiety to do things that are not comfortable for you. When you feel the fear try not to runaway from it, maybe try to embrace it. Fear is a compass and it will lead your way.

When the feeling of “I don’t know my name” comes to me, I am always trying to instruct myself not to freak out. I might tell myself that there are other milestones to attain in life that I am able to catch in my hand and never let go. Some of those things are already there and they have always been there, I just haven’t seen them yet.

There are so many things I would like to achieve, so many question that I would like to know the answer to and yet don’t have it. But I know that the whole circle called life is still ahead of me and there are so many things that I will manage to do before I leave for good.

And this moment? …It will be just another moment someday.

N.

Instagram