“…to let the life happen to me and let it happen around me.”

“…don’t look at me, the trustworthy night let me do it.”

There are so many things that are happening throughout our lives, so many memories, so many things that you want to remember till the end of your life and on the other side things that you want to forget the minute it happened.

Well, life is unexpected, I would say.

People change, things change, opinions and reason are shifting from one corner to another and suddenly you are not sure of anything.

I have learned throughout the years that nothing stays the same, and maybe I am still learning that because I can always see some flaws in my mind flow. Even though I know that(nothing stays the same) as a fact, I am still fighting it and can not stop it. There are times when I just sit down and want to truly understand all the things that are happening around me.
I always go and go and go and go and I am really rushing to everywhere so that I don’t have to think that much and I am rushing so much that my head starts to spin and I get dizzy. This is why I am trying to learn how to slow down. I am always trying to hurry up and come to my destination with an inhuman speed.

I can’t say that I like the speeding thoughts in my head either . That’s why I am trying to quiet them, at least a little, if it’s not possible to quiet them fully. Maybe also to close my eyes and breathe when something fucks up so much that I just want to scream and just stand up and go away, or just count to ten and leave it.

I am trying to understand that I have to let life happen, and by that I mean, to let the life happen to me and let it happen around me.
I am trying to accept that I can’t always get the answers I want even though I want them so badly that it is impossible to handle.

I have always wanted to be still and not to be in 3 places in one, to calm the hell down and just stay still- close my eyes, freeze the time in my head, make the memory fly around me and make it to take a seat in the particular place in my head just because I want it to be there, just in case something happens.

I was trying to learn to live in present and not in the past, because as I am getting older I understand even more what it means to leave things behind and try to look at them as opportunities and experiences and to learn something from them, for sure. It is a very hard and difficult path to take but I decided to take it because I know it is healthier than what I did like a year and a half ago. It is like a next item to scratch out from the list, and I am sure that someday I will scratch it out to the fullest.

I know that staying still is not the biggest “terno” and I know it doesn’t mean that suddenly you have a perfect life and everything is awesome and blah blah blah, but I want it to give me a reconciliation. The pure peace that will let me know that I can finally stop running like a crazy person in circles and I can finally stop running in like four different directions, stop wanting to have all the answers at the same moment when I ask the questions. I don’t need to be always in the middle, in tune with everybody ,because then I will have no chance to focus on things that matter.

I have always wanted to be still, not static, but a strong person that I am not. Yet.

Maybe it would be the best if I stopped asking so many questions and demand the answers, but look around me and just appreciate the fact that I am here and I am relatively healthy and I am who I am because that won’t change. I will stop trying to write my own path then I will stop constantly trying to be someone I am not or be somewhere I don’t belong to and instead of all of it, I will try to just be.

Did you find yourself in it? Let me know.

N.

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