Collapse in Suburbia

Let’s start from the beginning of my end.

Honestly, lately I’ve been really struggling with my mental health. And I am not saying it for you to pity me, it’s just a fact. I’ve stopped feeling happy in life, do things that I used to do everyday, stopped sleeping, eating propperly…I’ve stopped enjoying what life has to offer.

I am tired of having panic attacks everytime over a minor thing that stresses me out. I can’t deal with the endless pressure on my chest because anxiety is overwhelming my body on the scariest level possible. I am constantly in mental pain over it because inside of me I know it is not normal, it is not a way that a life should be lived.

I am saying this to you because it is my only option, I guess. Not to be harsh or anything but nobody would understand propperly if I said it out loud. Not because people are not able to understand, but if they never experienced it, then they would not be able to have a propper conversation about those stuggles with me. And I don’t want to confuse them more than they might be.

I decided to stop telling people that I am depressed. Since people are people and they have their own life and own problems, I just can’t put my shit on their shoulders and expect them to carry it all with them. That is just selfish and I should have realized that ages ago. It is simply not fair from me to want them to deal with it when I don’t even know how to deal with it on my own.


The one thing that maybe bothers me the most is that I’ve stopped doing things that make me feel alive.

I’ve stopped writing.

Drawing (even though I was not that good but I enjoyed it in my free time)

Taking pictures.

The only thing that I do nowadays is just listening to sad music and not doing anything progressive. I feel like there is this big hole inside of me that I don’t know how to fix. Simply said- there is something missing. And I know that it might be the purpose of life itself.

What is worse, I don’t know if I will ever be able to find it. At least I’ve been thinking about that lately.

I am 22 now and I still do not know what I want to do in life because I don’t feel like I am “excelling” at anything, that I am not good enough to proceed a carrier in anything that might fulfill me. I am just wandering around without any obtainable destination. I don’t know where I want to go because I have no energy to even think about it.

Sometimes I am asking myself if I should reach out to some guidance but from my past attempts I know that there is nobody who should fix you, be your hero- because you have to be your own hero at the end of the day. And that will never change.

So I am just blindly going in circles and really really struggling with my own sanity and thoughts that are most of the times able to mentally kill me for the majority of the day. Sometimes I get so sad out of the sudden because I read a quote I can relate to or see a picture that remind me certain stuff…as a result- I am emotionally unstable as hell. And the worst part? I realize that on every single level.

Do you think that the oblivious state or mind would be better in this case? Or is it better to be aware?

Anyway, this was a little venting session that I just needed because I don’t feel like talking about it to people without destroying them entirely. I just can’t do that anymore. I am sorry.

I had to get it out and I might focus on the various things I mentioned in greater detail later on.




Pesky gazes

After a while, the constant presence of smarmy eyes of theirs were starting to become annoying for her.
She had a feeling, that from now, she have to pay attention to every single movement of hers.
To every single glimpse.

The Great Prescription of a Tiny Adventure Pill

Let me start with a question- Do you think that everything needs to go according to some plan?
Have you ever thought about it?
That your life is completely managed by your inner self that needs to be in control of everything what happens next? Some people might think that going somewhere without a planning diary, is a crime.

Well yes, some people need a certain order in their life – it makes them calm to know, that everything goes according to a plan. Of course, there are also control freaks, where everything needs to be on one particular place, event needs to happen at that one particular minute and I am not even talking about meetings time, or their world will explode. No, this is not a personal experience, maybe I am just observing people too much, or just watching too many movies, I don’t know.

I think that a time in one persons life comes, when this needs to stop, or at least pause a little- not for forever, because some people just like it that way, or need the certain order in things. They need to experience something that doesn’t completely fits in their schedule.

I, as a doctor, prescribe:
Walk out of your house and simply take a wrong turn – get lost for some time, as least for a while, because why the hell not?

While on your “getting lost” tour, if you like something on a stranger- compliment him/her- for example hair, clothing or whatsoever. Forget about your anxiety of talking to people for a while and just try it on; only that’s how you’ll know if a scarf with a brand “HAVE FUN” fits you.

While walking downtown again, if you’re gonna see unmarked door, don’t pass them by, walk towards and open them without any hesitation.

Don’t be afraid to talk in circle of people you don’ t really know – so if you’ll see a group of people hanging out on a field (please make sure first if they aren’t just selling guns or whatsoever there), don’t be scared to ask them what are they doing and might join them afterwards.

At the end- just close your eyes and jump- do things without knowing how they’re gonna end, step out of your comfort zone for a little bit. You are here for you, smart enough to realize that you see a choice between working hard with your planning and stuff and slacking off. You don’t even know, how many adventures you might miss while you are waiting to think of a plan. Find those adventures, even though they’ll be only tiny ones, but also the most interesting ones.

Remember, you are the “maker” of your future, don’t waste those tiny happenings.


path that leads to nowhere


…all the colors from the pallet.

Mixture of emotions.

This is what I was thinking about last night at 2:50 AM when I wasn’t able to fall asleep.
At some cases it is all about being happy and not showing anything on your face. But sometimes I feel that happiness is overrated. Okay, we do need that too in our lives. I would sometimes consider that it is just a part of it. We also need anger, sadness, fear, little piece of anxiety…and of course our major mistakes. Those mistakes which makes us grow up and learn out lessons.
I have always been thinking that we need all of that to be somehow complete in life. Not just one, but all of the “colors from the pallet”.

To be completely honest with you, I’ve done things I am not proud of and thinking about them a lot because somehow I can’t deal with them when I still see it, see them. Believe me, it is not that good falling asleep with that feeling in your mind.I am still sorry even though in the depth of their heart I will never be forgiven, but we can’t turn back time. But shit happens..right?

Just to continue, I have met so many good people in my life and  I am so thankful for them, I can’t even say how much. But I am also thankful for those which made me feel shit and for those toxic and destructive people too. Why? They really offered me the variety of happenings in my life that I will remember forever, but most of the times they made me realize that I grew up to the position where I don’t need them at all. They offered me a very important lesson in life. Every single person will go or went through something similar, it is in need. It’s a circle.

I am so glad for those little accomplishments that I’ve achieved so far. Whether it was just opening my eyes when I really didn’t want to or going for a surgery I was so afraid to go. Well..

I am grateful for good days and also for the bad ones. As I always say- Sometimes you win, but sometimes you learn. Shit happens and you still have to move on because you simply can’t be stuck there forever.
When you are having a bad day, go for a walk, go running, run it out of your systems.
Or take showers, take like 5 of them…think about all the stuff, and wash it out of your system.

Please remember one thing- Happiness is not your ultimate destination. You are not supposed to be happy all the time. Show me at least one person who is happy all his/hers life. Sometimes it is all about the ups and downs you go through in your life, sometimes it is all about dealing with all the emotions.
When you are able to feel this spectrum of feels and emotions- accepting and giving them away, experiencing positive and negative happenings alike, then you are getting closer.


Closer to completeness.
Closer to be a complete human being.
Closer to be you.


P.s: Variety is still here, just take a closer look.


The other side of anxiety

“Life is ten percent what you experience and ninety percent how you respond to it.”

I’ve recently done one test, about feeling axious or having some sort of social anxiety and stuff. I always knew that something is not right but yea let’s face it , who has the best “mind space” ? I am not going to tell you my score, but it was not that good tbh 😛 here is the link if you’ll like to test yourself:

People who feel nervous in the big croud, or they feel uncomfortable when they have to talk to a shop assistant or talking to their classmates during the break – big issue, big time.
People are trying to hide, in general. They don’t want the world to see them, their face, their actions…they are closing their minds because they are afraid of people hurting them. They won’t let anybody to see what they or who they really are. Those emotions are too strong and sometimes they don’t know what to do. Lack of confidence is acompanying their life in a huge way- afraid to speak up, sometimes afraid to even go to public.

My point?
This is not fair. People are supposed to enjoy their life in the best way possible, how they want and by the most comfortable way they can. I mean, why? I don’t think the people are happy in their skin…Actually I read some articles about a social anxiety a few days ago and I saw one  weirdly terrifying thing, one guy got out of his “anxiety bubble” after 44 years :O like oh my…but big time, because he made it! and today he is not afraid to speak in front of people, to say what he really thinks…to go anywhere he wants etc..This is a huge one 🙂 and I am so happy he made it because nobody wants to live like that, I hope that everybody who is struggling with this kind of “issues” will be okay one day

I guess, if you want to compare anxiety and getting out of it- I would choose “The Tunel metaphore” If you think about it as tunel- you really wanna get out of the anxiety tunel but the light at the other side is too far and you are too weak to run faster. BUT time after time when you’ll try more and more you will run faster and faster and at the end you will reach the precious and warm light…and that feeling? I can’t say, but I think one of the best and worth ones 🙂 ! Nobody wants to stay in a cold tunel forever- sooner or later you’ll get out and then a new life’s gonna start 🙂

Even if this is not my photo, in my opinion it totally describes the feeling:

anxiety feeling

I also wanted to tell you another thing today 🙂 and that thing has a name- Project Semicolon.
It’s been here since 2013, and the project is about one simple, little tattoo- Semicolon. People all over the world are getting this semicolon tattoos to support people who are struggling with some mental issues, addiction even suicidal stuff is included


In literature, semicolon reminds us, the authors intention to continue and not end the sentence with a dot.

I just wanted to tell you that not everything is black and even if you feel bad or sad or however weird, there is always a little white place, the good place, where, or with who you feel okay and safe and comfortable. You don’t have to close the gates to your head and thoughts in front of the world because there will always be somebody who will be here for you and if not now, than he/ she will come later- but I am 100% sure it will come 🙂 so don’t worry my beloved strangers.

When I was younger  I started to create a JAR.
A jar full of my wishes, beliefs, hopes,,,
something, someone, somewhere….everything 🙂 and actually it helps me from time to time to open that jar and read all of it in once. All the quotes, sentences, wishes all numbered, little pictures I drew and a lot more 🙂 because when I read it I don’t feel so lost in that moment…I feel that something good’s gonna happen.

jar full of hopes

If you are struggling with anything bad in your life, hold on, you will figure out the way out of the tunel soon 😉 I promise that everything’s gonna be okay. And if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.

Thank you for reading my todays piece, it means so much to me 🙂