Hemingway knew about it long before we did

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure that it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.

Ernest Hemingway 

Everyone must have experienced this at least once in their lives. Don’t try to tell me the opposite, but look into the mirror, watch the dark circles under your eyes getting even darker and then tell me that I am a liar.

We all have been broken by something or somebody. That stuff happens. Most of the people will learn their lesson and become stronger after this unpleasant happening. The most important thing is the approach they will create or the inner statement they will believe in.
It is said, that if it is not going to break you, it will kill you.

How come?

Because you have to let the pain break you, that’s the only way you are going to get over it and let the time heal you properly. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?
If you will suppress the pain and the agony inside of you, you will soon explode and there is a strong possibility that it will kill you for good. Not for real, but kill any attempt to be normal again. By normal I mean, to  integrate and socialize again. Like you used to…you still remember that, do you?

If you just decide to not to do anything with the reality of “underground” you will just survive day by day, you will not live. You will just count down the days till you simply stop and your body will turn off. That’s why the “no special hurry” like it is said, it is going to kill you slowly, day by day, from worse to the worst.

We all know who is the only one able to stop it.

N.

P.s: I do think he was right.Instagram

“I don’t know my name”

“The only thing that makes sense today is that I want to breathe.”

It is always kinda hard for me to start writing. Eventually I always start to write down my thoughts and it will turn into smooth and logical piece of art (for me), but still a little bit hard from time to time, especially with a day long headache.

Today (actually an hour ago), I was walking home, through the town of pure winter, listening to music. There are days when I just listen to the music and let my mind fly away with the particular beat, but there are also days when I listen to words and just to words and nothing else. I let them talk to me and fill out the missing places in me (at last for a while), because I know that even though everything seems eventually okay (right now), the blank space is still there (at some point). So as I was walking down, listening to the words and I’ve heard this interesting sentence- ,,I don’t know my name”. That’s kind of accurate, because sometimes, I wake up at the morning with an intention to leave everything behind and just pack my shit and leave (I have talked about this issues countless times, I guess) with no intention of a final destination – to get to know me better, to find out where I am heading with my life, what I want to do in like 5 years. I don’t know if that’s normal in my age, not to know those things. If it is normal, please tell me that you are the same because sometimes I am scared I am getting bonkers. Still somehow lost, trying to get found.

Then there’s the time when I always eventually calm myself down with an assurance that people, in general, are not static at all and they will never be. You can always pick which side you want because the world is shifting whether you like it or not and people are “moving” with it. The thing is that if you don’t like the direction you’re heading to, you can simply change it and take another path. It is never too late to shift things into a better direction, because as a matter of fact, people do fuck up, a lot- but as a result, they most of the times leave what is broken to be broken with a knowledge that if they can’t fix it, they can’t fix it. They can’t make it, or be perfect. Nobody is perfect.

The fear is the worst puppet master. People let the fear define them, because as much as they are trying to avoid it, it will still try to overwhelm them even more. The feeling when your heart starts pounding like crazy when you are in the crowd of people or maybe when you have to fight your anxiety to do things that are not comfortable for you. When you feel the fear try not to runaway from it, maybe try to embrace it. Fear is a compass and it will lead your way.

When the feeling of “I don’t know my name” comes to me, I am always trying to instruct myself not to freak out. I might tell myself that there are other milestones to attain in life that I am able to catch in my hand and never let go. Some of those things are already there and they have always been there, I just haven’t seen them yet.

There are so many things I would like to achieve, so many question that I would like to know the answer to and yet don’t have it. But I know that the whole circle called life is still ahead of me and there are so many things that I will manage to do before I leave for good.

And this moment? …It will be just another moment someday.

N.

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When life offers you an adventure, don’t hesitate – PART 2/2

“I’d climb the tree to see the world…”

You don’t even know how accurate is this quote for todays writing. Firstly, maybe before you start reading, sit down and play this:

To Build a Home

Actually it is a “food for thought” kind of music and it always helps me to think while reading or creating something (potentially good blog article maybe?), and yes I am playing it all over again (no, I am not a psycho…also maybe). If you haven’t read the PART 1 of this little trip of mine yet, just read that first so you’d get the right feeling of my little adventure in the middle of a messy semester.

Let me start from the beginning of the second day. It was a morning like other ones, just not in my own bed, but I woke up to an absolute silence in the house. I have always been enchanted by the morning kind of silence, to be completely honest, I have never enjoyed it because I am always waking up as the last one – to a complete mess. But today, I woke up and I was the first one awake. After classic coffee ritual and royal breakfast, we got dressed, hopped into a car and drove for another little adventure. L’s family wanted me to see as much as possible while I am there and guys, you can’t even imagine how thankful I was and still am for the little opportunity to see a few beautiful places I have never been to before.

We drove like 20 minutes by car and today, the weather was completely different. Let me show you-

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Sun is shining, there is no snow anywhere near- like a completely different place, am I right?

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This is the way to our final destination – The lookout at the edge of the forest ↓

But firstly, we had to conquer the forest, which looked a lot like a beautiful autumn. Look:

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Anyway, we got to the Lookout and I was speechless. I have never seen this big Lookout in my life. This one was 24,6m high and believe, it took a few minutes for me to climb that little bastard. So if you are scared of heights I don’t recommend on going there or even look. Or look anyway, but don’t get sick!

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And for this I even laid down on my back at the ground, there are even photos of me taking pics, but trust me, you don’t wanna see it – *laugh*.

And the view?

See for yourself.

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It was very very windy so I didn’t really have much time for staying up there in the clouds for a longer period, but I managed to suck up all the nature to my system and was ready to climb down. The stairs were a little overwhelming but I made it!!
L didn’t want to climb with me, she was (and is) poopy pants because of the phobia of heights- but yes, I can’t say a thing with my phobia of insects. Eww.

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On our way back we managed to stop in this little “back forest” where we saw an old train and benches in the middle of the forest. For me, it was such a lovely stop,even though it was really cold there- the quietness of the forest and good atmosphere- worth it!

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This is from the inside of the train. Another “lookout”.

Well, the ones who made it to the end now know, that I didn’t get to climb a tree as the quote says at the very beginning, but I managed to climb a 24,6 m high Lookout- so that counts a little, huh?
Anyway, I will always be in love with this place, like every single one of the places I have ever put on here, because I always keep making memories by taking pictures.
Sometimes when I can’t sleep at night, I am going through those pictures and reminiscing about all the amazing things that happened on my way there or there or on the way home. Pictures always remind me that yes, I was there and it felt great. Different air, different people- in this case, I got to know an amazing family of my dear dear friend L, I am thankful for every single laugh we share(d) and for all the things that happened, that are happening and that will happen. I am so glad I can have you by my side. So thank you again for this little adventure, hope I will come back someday.

One weird thing is, that weekends are always so short, you just blink twice and it is over and another week full of duties, work, school is here and you are disgusted the minute you lay down to your bed on Sunday night. That’s how I feel right now- not really ready for what is waiting there for me this week.

But maybe, if I´ll go through the pictures one more time, it will feel quite better.

We will see…

N.

Instagram

Cloudy Friday and Occasional Numbness

“I’ve been waiting on you, just to say something real…”

Honestly, sometimes I am not a big fan of Fridays. But listen, don’t scorch me on the stake yet. It is most of the time when I have to stay in this little town, all alone, sitting in my room staring to the wall or to the computer because there is nothing better to do. But I also think that this “phase” is just some kind of autumn mood. Or maybe not. I didn’t really want to give away some of my thoughts lately because it would be still the same I guess, numbness filled up with no time.

Stereotypical Friday in this case, walking, to make it to the very very first lesson at university, while there’s still “dark” outside and coming back home under the drape of darkness again. A long day that didn’t really tell me nothing. No progress, no mood at the end of the day, even though the day was quite decent. I am having those states of mind from time to time, but maybe it’s just because it was a year a few days ago when I started to feel the way I still sometimes feel. Sometimes the nostalgic shitty stuff catch your feet for a few minutes and you catch yourself reminiscing and playing those memories in your head. But enough of this bullshit, it will never happen again. Grow up.
Saying “so what” really frees you, just have to brace yourself and go through it.

Today was the day, that maybe most of you experience from time to time- She came to see me and we started to talk. She was brief -The day when you’re walking home, feeling numb after the day and even your shoes seem to be really heavy, and we are not talking about your head completely filled up with thoughts. Seeing a young couple saying goodbye at the bus stop, realizing that you miss a ordinary hug from him. Simple as that. Missing a normal talk with him. Missing the warm feeling that you can actually really feel.
When he doesn’t even care that you two are not talking at all, just when necessary. That’s the thing that flies through your head more often in last few weeks. You know, trying to convince yourself that there will be no harm if you just make yourself to finally ask it when you know that it lays in your stomach for some time now.

Conscience:
Why are you still so fucking scared to ask a simple thing?
You want him to ask you something real?
Do it then?

Still no progress even though you were laying next to him at night, you cried because you were such a coward and you didn’t do it…and I note- again.

C:
Are you scared of the answer then?
Tell me.

Shit happens.

There are things you can talk about over text, but this is not one of them I guess. Time is slowly sprawling and one month flied away and there are still untold things hanging in vacuum like nothing happened.
I think it is not the best thing to do.

Sometimes it hurts when you don’t know what to do. There are things that take away your sanity during lonely nights and you are too tired to deal with them, so you go back to sleep.

The dark place is spinning and the curtain is falling onto the ground.

There is nothing left to say just- we will see. 

N.

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It’s about the little moments

,,…but which one?”
,,That one!”

As you already know, life is full of moments. From the moments which you want to remember the most and have a desire to remember them forever, through the moments you are trying to hide under the biggest rock you have ever seen and forget them permanently, to the moments you don’t remember at all. Life is full of happenings that happen during our lives even though we e.g don’t want them or awaiting them like crazy.

I don’t know what is it with people who don’t enjoy it all. Sadly, I was one of them some time ago, but after some time with one special person I just got to the point I am really satisfied with how it all function. It doesn’t matter what it is, but still-
You are passing through life and seeing things happen, flying through all the moments, experiences, minutes, hours…sometimes even don’t really see it all, then you’re being sad because it ended.
I started to enjoy those little moments more and more and value them while they are happening. I am still learning of course, sometimes there is one which is really really good and warm and then I am sad for a little while, but on the other hand still trying to convince myself that another (that good) will come again later.

Speaking of little moments, last week, I was at his place and just saw something really beautiful – family gathering/dinner. I know, most of the people will say that it might sound like something normal, but for me it was something I can’t see every day. It was just a simple little moment. I was sitting on a bench, smoking, after I finished my plate and saw them laughing and talking in a casual way.He was still at the grill, preparing meat and looked so concentrated, but after a second he felt that I am looking at him then he looked up and saw me staring at him so he just smiled and looked away.

It is all about family quality. Mine wasn’t that good, thats why happened what happened.But I still have my fathers mouth and my mothers eyes; on my face they are (at least) still together. This one is about the freaking strong bond I can see while I am looking at them. I am watching their relationship for some time and I can see the difference.
You wouldn’t believe me, but it feels so warm, oh my god…I am so glad I can share my moments with them.

That time I felt that I am a part of something and it felt so good. I really like those nice feelings, to be completely honest with you, it is a new experience for me and I am eager to see it all, to feel it all.
I hope I will get the right amount of time from the higher power to see all the little moments I am supposed to go through.

Those moments will never change and will be fixated in your head until the very end, because that’s how it’s supposed to be in life, right?

I hope you won’t change either, because this is something different and I actually like it a lot.

Thank you,

N.

because why not

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START SOMEWHERE


⇐       ⇒

Last week I turned 20. I don’t know if to say “finally” or “unfortunately”. Those lazy, f-ing lazy days are over and a new chapter is supposed to begin, from this September- again.

*sigh*

As one person said to me exactly a year ago- One step closer to death.
But it’s still so true tho.
So that day I was sitting at an empty office, and it all made me think about life again. Well, I am not even surprised because that usually happens when I work.

I just sat there with eyes closed for a little while and I was thinking. About what? About happenings, about people being stuck between what they know and what they feel, about the changes that may happen after you leave somewhere and come back but to the other corner…over-thinking and wondering much? I might do that often but with a glad feeling in my head, because it is true that I get so lost sometimes. Sometimes I just shut off and instead of thinking about people “falling in love” I think about why people can “fall out”.

I am still thinking about the reason.

♦How many people at this particular moment are running away from something, but how many of them are running home?
♦There is a possibility of having the worst day ever, but it can always be just somebody’s Tuesday.
♦But most of the times, I like thinking about other people’s happiness. I was walking around the town and realized, even though I see a lot of couples and being a little bit bitter in my mind, at the very end of the day I like seeing them holding hands on the streets, or sneaking a kiss while they are waiting for the lights to change.
♦Even though you hate it (yes you.), I love watching romantic comedies for thousand times where the guy is trying to get a girl and everything ends perfectly. Why? Because even though it is an illusion, everyone wants to go through something similar at least once in their lives. Because I know that soul mates can exist in a real life with their happy endings.
♦I will always like those songs which you discover like 1 month in advance before the radios will play them all along and people will claim they are annoyed by the song playing all over again but not really. Why? Because they will secretly dance to that song and sing it in their lonely apartment when no ones watching.
♦I don’t know why, but sometimes I tend to walk on the street and simply compliment something I like on a girl walking towards me. Why? Because I know that it is possible that just one simple nice word can completely change ones mood. And I secretly like that feeling.

This is all it. You need to start somewhere where you feel comfortable, and you know that you can handle your inner self. Even thought it will be a simple smile at the morning or something bigger like walking in a crowd of people, not feeling the biggest anxiety ever. It is and it will always be individual.
You need to start with the speed which is suitable the situation and you know that you are able to take the first step with no excuses.

Anyway, try to look up while walking. Sometimes it helps me.

N.

P.s: Photos from my little weekend trip (y)

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Because it’s you and it will always be you

Thoughts sometimes overwhelm me, but I do exactly nothing to stop them.

t

Have you ever thought about your unconscious? Like you do a lot of things just according to it. Sometimes you can hear the little voice in your head (or is it schizophrenia then?) telling you what to do in exact situations. Are you asking if it’s a good thing to listen to it? I don’t really know, because a lot of people are saying that it’s not particularly the best thing. But okay, other half have a pretty different opinion- that when you listen to the back voice, incredible things can happen. Is it really like that?

It is the silent whispering in your head:
,,Just take the step, nothing bad’s gonna happen..”
,,Write it, because why not?..”
,,Say it, you won’t have another chance next time…”

The truth is, that most of the times we won’t get another chance next time.

My opinion? Your unconscious is like the well. A lot is falling down there but only sometimes some things float to the top. Most of the time everything stays on the bottom. From all the vicious shit that you’ve done to the best things you’ll never forget.

Sometimes people have a tendency of burying things in their minds. Maybe things they really wanna forget, but after some time, the things will appear in the worst situation possible. And then you think about it not knowing what to do.

Well well, running in front of the things we’re afraid the most is kind of a common thing for a lot of people.
Running to the woods because you feel safe there.
Because you can breathe there even though you feel bad inside.
Is it like that with everybody?
Or is it just a feeling?

Your unconscious will tell you when the right time will come. Because it’s you and it will always be you. Don’t ever forget about it.

N.

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