Sometimes I am asking myself- “Is this really all I can get from you? Is this really everything? A cold shoulder?”To be honest with you, the feeling of not being wanted (enough) is one of the worst ones in life.
Those are the thoughts that keep you awake at night, even though you want to sleep so badly.
But then you turn on the other side of the bed and there are the little things in your head, suddenly appearing in your mind, just out of the blue- like a kiss of your hand just before sleep or a good laugh about some unimportant shit…the mutual understanding at some point or even a slightly interesting topic of a conversation still make you believe in a better future of yours.
And that one still make you smile, admit it.
Then you turn back and see the back of his, facing you in a innocent state of deep sleep, and you know that there will be a new sunrise tomorrow. At least you don’t have to be insecure about this one.
After a while, the constant presence of smarmy eyes of theirs were starting to become annoying for her.
She had a feeling, that from now, she have to pay attention to every single movement of hers.
To every single glimpse.
Everything seemed to be so so important back then, but in retrospective, and from other point of view, life was so unbelievably unimportant.
“Listen carefully to what people are not saying, while analyzing your excessive analyzing in life.
Rather tell them how much they matter to you, not because they won’t be here one day, but because they are here now, with their present silence and their tacit deeds.”
The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure that it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.
Everyone must have experienced this at least once in their lives. Don’t try to tell me the opposite, but look into the mirror, watch the dark circles under your eyes getting even darker and then tell me that I am a liar.
We all have been broken by something or somebody. That stuff happens. Most of the people will learn their lesson and become stronger after this unpleasant happening. The most important thing is the approach they will create or the inner statement they will believe in.
It is said, that if it is not going to break you, it will kill you.
Because you have to let the pain break you, that’s the only way you are going to get over it and let the time heal you properly. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?
If you will suppress the pain and the agony inside of you, you will soon explode and there is a strong possibility that it will kill you for good. Not for real, but kill any attempt to be normal again. By normal I mean, to integrate and socialize again. Like you used to…you still remember that, do you?
If you just decide to not to do anything with the reality of “underground” you will just survive day by day, you will not live. You will just count down the days till you simply stop and your body will turn off. That’s why the “no special hurry” like it is said, it is going to kill you slowly, day by day, from worse to the worst.
We all know who is the only one able to stop it.
P.s: I do think he was right.
Once upon a time, there was this void hiding in understanding. I was answering one question after another and gradually digressing from one phenomenon to other one, as well as unfolding the chain of happenings.
I was revealing the sandy desert with a small brush so that I won’t destroy the reality hiding under it. I found peace in every single reality, the perfect equilibrium in each detail that was being present.
The more human I am, the less I feel. The more I see behind the curtain, the less I am interested in the drama. Now I know why and more importantly, I know what – the thing is that there is no drama performed in this colossal and messy theatre. Just a sad play and I am the invulnerable spectator.
The particular sense is fake, the reality is just a total nonsense. We are all just a result of domino effect, one small brick in the middle of an enormous paragon. Equally important as well as insignificant like all the others. Just an emptiness of the purpose with the definition of nothing. The eternal darkness, windless setting, zero gravity.
So I have come this far just to realize that there is no other way? I am standing just one step in front of the emptiness and before I make the next move, I have to know what exactly I want to see.
And I don’t know it.
The Instant Photographer.