Soul search

Every morning I am waking up bored to reality and through the majority of nights I am rambling about how are we supposed to wake up to the dream we’ve always been dreaming of.

You are sitting at your kitchen table at the morning, looking out of the window, thinking like “how the hell did I get to this mess we call a life?”.
You are in a situation that you might think you won’t survive, that the thing is not going to get solved since life (and also shit) happens.
If you dig into the past, let’s say a year and a half ago, that you and your pride did not think you’d survive and three years ago you were even in a bigger mess than this, you did not think you’d survive either.
The point is, that you are able to always surprise yourself with the amount of strength you have at the bottom of your soul, because every time you think you’re not gonna survive this or that, it always turns out that the bottom will never leave you hanging and help you find your way back.

Maybe one day, you will find the right way back home, because there might be someone waiting for you. The minute you step inside, you discover that you are not the one who’s lost.

N.

Pic source: Tumblr

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“I met you for a reason”

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After hearing this sentence for the first time I immediately thought of people that I will never forget in my life. We do not even have to talk anymore, but you left behind something that made me the person I am today.
Like, have you ever imagined that someone who made such a huge impact on your life, actually never came near you? Do you think that your life would be the same? Ahh, those questions…after all, everybody’s a hero after the fight.

But out of the general point of view, there are people who come to your life that you, on one hand, will never forget even though they are not in your life now, but on the other hand, there are also people who you would be glad that are not in your life anymore, just because of the toxicity of their nature.

As a matter of fact, time goes by so fast, sometimes you do not even realize and one month pass without you even really noticing. My point is, that sometimes (maybe just accidentally) you are forgetting to value those people who are surrounding you. It doesn’t have to be just about the forgetting, but you just simply don’t do it for some unknown reason. The things is, that as long as they are here, appreciate them, make them see it and most importantly never miss an opportunity to tell them how much they mean to you.

Then there are those people that you meet at the most unexpected times of your life, get to know them like a back of your hand, spend a scary amount of time with them and then it hits you and you start thinking about the other side of the card. I mean, you look at them and a sudden thought comes through your head, like- “Damn, it’s gonna hurt so bad when they leave…” But after all, then you shush this thought with a simple “Oh my, I prayed for this and I can’t believe it’s here. It’s happening.” And everything bad just leaves.

In life we meet so many people- like those who give us the best memories, that you will tell your children one day, even though when you met you were just two empty trains entering even emptier station. Even if your railways split at some point (which is always an option) you will follow the way with a feeling that both your presence but also your absence might mean (or meant) something.

We need at least one person in our lives who understands what we do not say. Even if we send just a picture or a song to them, they immediately know what we are trying to say. It’s understandable because there are days when you don’t know how to express yourself, and that’s completely normal.
Those people surround themselves with this notion that I have always wanted to experience – meaning, that it is amazing how some of them can feel like home. It is not a rule that home needs to be just a house and it happens that you feel homesick for them.

Those people touch you without even touching you.

Those people who you think you knew even before getting to know them for real.

Those people who understand every single corner of your mixed up mind.

Those people are insane but important.

..because two souls don’t find each other by simple accident.

I firmly believe we met for a reason, whether it was for making each other happy or for help. I will never stop being a decent person even though there were times when I really wanted to stop, and appreciate them in the best way possible.

That’s my plan- what’s yours?

N.

Pics source: Tumblr

WEEK 9 part 2- The very last day in Germany, Early Lift and Saying Goodbye (Summer experience in Germany)

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WEDNESDAY

Waking up to the last day  in Germany. To be completely honest, it felt weird, like I have never been this long anywhere other than at my own home and this became my home as well. Maybe not particularly the House, but people, memories, occasions…and so much more.
The last time shutting off the alarm, the last morning routine, the last full morning metro…I mean, I was excited to come home to him, to family and friends but I was feeling that I am going to leave a piece of me here in Germany.

My last day of work was kind of fast- the same daily routine as usual, my colleagues were kind of sad that I am leaving, I would be lying that I did not cry once I shut my locker for the last time and hugged my favorite colleague goodbye. Once I left the company, I knew it’s over and probably I will never see them again.

Metro cutie

I came to the house and immediately started packing a little because our lift back to our country was supposed to come about 11 pm. Me, L and guys wanted to go to groceries to buy some food for the way home as well as some sweets and stuff for family and friends so I packed like 1/3 of it all. We sat on metro and drove like 3 stops to the groceries.
After our shopping was done, it happened.
L’s phone started ringing and it was the guy who was supposed to drive us to our home country. He said that he was supposed to take one more guy to the car but he canceled last minute so it is just me and L. It was about 8 pm and the guy said he is supposed to be at our place in about 45 minutes.

I was immediately like FUCK!! I am not even remotely done with packing.

He was awesome because he said that it is not a problem to wait a little since he was really early. Panic attack that came to my head hit me so hard because I was somehow not ready to leave right away. I wanted to physically and mentally say goodbye to Munich  and people I got to meet there…and I suddenly did not have time. That was so upsetting for me and my head was then all over the place.
We got to the metro station as quick as possible and the battle with time was about to start.

I came “running” to my room and started insanely packing my suitcase and other bags I had and when I was done it was about the time the guy was about to come. I do not know how I managed to do that because when I was packing to Germany, it took me like 4 hours.

I surely was a potato head -_-

I just wanted to run downstairs, tell goodbye to boys and other roommates that were all over the place, just to hug them and leave since I had no time for a proper conversation. Some goodbyes were harder and some of them were normal, you know you can’t create a deeper connection with everybody. That’s life.

This day in Art gallery with those people was like everything!!

So the call came and we were supposed to take our stuff downstairs, we had 16 bags and 2 huge suitcases together with L and I was able to see in the guys eyes that he was really unhappy with this baggage situation. He later told us that he usually charge more for this extra luggage but since it is out first time he let it pass. Thank god! *nervous laugh*

This was the only picture of the luggage we have, but it was the first packing, when we were leaving our House in Garching- the second home packing was 2 bags more.

So I smoked my last cigarette, said my last goodbyes, waved for the last time…and we left. We had a little dinner and both of us fell asleep.
The car was extremely fast and we were back home in less than 5 hours (usually takes 6-7 hours by car). Once I got out of the car and saw my house I felt this sudden relief and all the pressure I was feeling on my chest suddenly disappeared.

I was home.

***

Here we are. This is the end of the story-time of the two months long trip to Germany. I have to admit, apart from other things, I really enjoyed my time here. It gave me some sense of responsibility, meaning that I had to really take care of myself, buy and prepare meal for myself, do my laundry…just, you know?

Adult life.

This was the very first time for me leaving for this long and the result was just great- I gained confidence in taking care of myself, got to know new people, got to see new and beautiful places, listen to so many stories from people, have a proper laugh/fun, work hard, discover new languages and cultures, complain to people, take advice and give one when needed…that’s like so much guys. I am so incredibly grateful that I got an opportunity to come here and live like this. Without being nosy or whatever, I have to say I am proud of myself that I made it, I know it might sound childish or it is not such a big achievement in life or whatever, but I really was and still am kind of proud anyway.

Leaving…

I wanted to thank to all of the people that made my trip as awesome as it was, that made me laugh, realize things, made me have fun even though I did not really want it from time to time. The trip was a pleasant experience and if you have an opportunity to go somewhere like this do not really hesitate and go for it because it will teach you a lot about yourself, believe me. I am not saying that you will find yourself there, but you will surely get to know if you are ready for the unknown, undiscovered and maybe a little scary area that is called Adulthood.

*infinitely grateful*

xo ♥

N.

P.s: As I am looking around this is my 200th article here (!!!) and I can’t be happier that I am back guys. Major *T.H.A.N.K* Y.O.U* for sticking around for this long.

The place where you belong. . . ?

,,TIME IS A SCARCE STUFF.”


path

Those days when you’re feeling kinda alone.

When you are home all by yourself.

Nobody ⇔ nowhere.

Walking around the place I am supposed to call home, stepping inside of every single room and looking around…reminiscing a few years back, this particular room I am in right now,  was my bedroom, now I live the “next door”.
I was sharing room with my older brother till me being 10 or 12 (?) and him being 15 or 17…hard to know, when you are a person who doesn’t really remember what she had for lunch yesterday. Then, pardon me.
Anyway, I was just stepping inside of the dark room and listening to a silent ticking of the old watch we have for forever. Sitting on a couch, which was bought when they were still together. Seeing so many pictures in my head right now. Him sleeping on the couch, eating peanuts – then switch – us having 16 Christmas in a row – switch – watching TV together – switch – playing cards….switch, switch, switch.
Can’t say that I miss him here, I am too old for that (at least too old to admit it), but still, those are memories and sometimes you miss memories more than the person.
That was the time I wasn’t really seeing the whole truth, honestly I didn’t care (why would I), but there comes an ability to “see and hear” with the proper age.

It all sometimes makes me feel kinda anxious, with a necessity to get the hell out of here for a few days (as I did), but as you know, you are always glad to come home with a feeling that this is your place, a place where you belong even if you don’t admit that in front of yourself sometimes.

You always come back, because as much as I want that, you want to belong somewhere, and don’t say I’m not right, when you know that I am. Everybody wants that. Nobody wants to stay all alone, by herself, in a lonely apartment a few days in a row.

Then, you surely know what to do.

N.

P.s: Even if it’s partly cracked like the path on the photo, but you are still able to fix it. It’s all about your attitude.

Lights will guide you home

“May it be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out.”

c.lights

What is the first thing that pops into your head when you hear a word “light”? The first thing for me is the title of todays article- Lights will guide you home. Home, where the light symbolize the warmness, good mood (I didn’t say it has to be the “home” where you actually live right now) and just being satisfied about things in general.
It is always like that, I mean, lights are something which is supposed to be here for us – warm light to make yous know that not everything is just cold and shady, light to make you think about good instead of bad things, the big variety of colors playing with your mind, to know that not everything is just black and white, to know that at least now, you are not alone , to have a feeling that you are not scared anymore, to be who you are even if the light is on, to come back to your childish times to be happy because of it, even just for a second or two. And so many things…

I know that nowadays it is so hard to be happy about little and, for some people, unimportant things, but still, try to keep on mind, that you don’t have to be happy just because of big, enormous things, little things (as those lights) are like little miracles and being happy for them is at least the one thing that can make your day slightly better. It is possible, but it’s up to you to want it.

What about you?

N.

P.s1: That first picture was made today at my friends house, very talented writer with a sparkly lights at her apartment 😀 http://www.fragmentsofmindblog.wordpress.com check her out if you have some time 😉

P.s2: A little series of photos which I took in few days – “In love with the light” 🙂 enjoy

mallmall bw

square ights

christmas tree- square mall2

bulbs

 

 

It’s good to feel home

,,Don’t build me a house, just be my home”

There are days in your life when you feel soo comfortable and alive.
You wake up at the morning and you are not feeling exhausted and so freaking sleepy. You will cook some good food, listen to some good music -acting like you are performing at the Britains got talent- singing part, ignoring your neighbour who is shouting at you to stop screaming like somebody’s murdering you. After that you will invent some new kind of dance moves which you wouldn’t be embarrassed on any stage in the whole wide world…and you know- having your own funny galaxy when no ones watching 🙂

Then I went to see my dad,  (my parents got divorced like 2 years ago), and we went to grandmas together to the nearby village. Actually it was fun, because when I am with him I feel so comfortable and free to say anything, we were laughing, talking a lot and making stupid selfies 😀 (who does that? 😀 )

But the thing I wanted to say is, that you don’t really have to call “home” only one place ( and i mean the place where you actually live).
So when you meet somebody you love (family, friend..or whatever your goldfish) after some longer time, you can create second, third, fourth place which you can call home as well.
It’s very important to maintain some bonds with people who leave your home but not your lives after all, to meet them from time to time and realize how important they are for you and your life. You know it when you look at them and even if they don’t hug you, you feel the warmth and peaceful atmosphere- this is what I call home. Where you don’t have to pretend anything or watch out your language.
If you want to have ” cloudy mood” – have, and they won’t judge you because that’s you and you don’t ever have to change for people who love you and accept you the way you are.

Sometimes even you can’t define the place “home”, but you just feel that, this is right…and you have to be there because it feels so f*cking right, oh my…how much I loved and love moments like this- when you just don’t know why, but you know that this is the one thing for you, and you want it so so bad that your stomach is full of butterflies and you can’t say a word, but you eyes will say it for you- you want a place that you can call home because sometimes that’s the only thing that can make you happy and full.

Guys, I hope you can feel the metaphore here, because this is the only way how can I say it 😛

I know this one is a pretty confusing piece, but it’s a little morsel of my brain which is  strange a lot, but people who know me understand the whole package, so now you can consider yourself a person who knows my mind for a little bit more 🙂

Hope you liked my philosophical window, or  a little sundays poetic time,

N

p.s: Cloudy mood/ cloudy day 🙂 and another observation of my day

cloudy day

Are you listening to the sound of those clouds?

cats back 2 colour

This is basically me, redhaired one,who is turning her back on you, because she doesn’t want you to see her face 😀

botanická

Momma, I’m coming home..:)