Sunday Lighthouse Feels

Lighthouses are not just stone, brick, metal, and glass. There’s a story behind every single one of them; that’s the story I want to live through.

One day,while the light will shine on your way, in the biggest darkness, you will realize it- The lighthouses mysteriously represent a thing that people want the most.

What ever thing in the world is yours, I hope you”ll find it.
N.

“The tigers have found me and I don’t care.”

I am sure, that every single one of you, once or twice in your life, went through some kind of grief. All the sad stuff that had happened, that you had to survive can’t ever be understood by other people. So, if somebody ever told you “yea, I get it, I understand”, they really don’t.
But they all get the plus point  for trying. At least.

The sadness and grief are most likely being composed into poems or some kind of structured post, maybe never shown to the world. I have came across a lot of them, but some were were written by a really broken souls (aka authors), that cam through so many shit…it was breaking m heart even reading it.

I suppose that the sentence “The tigers have found me and I do not care”, which came from a mastermind named Charles Bukowski , was especially a broken one. When I was going through the poem For Jane, it seems to be about a major heartbreak, misery, about love being taken away, about being scared and later after that not being scared at all…about knowing that this is the real end and the things that happened will never happen again…Life Circle? Indeed.

That quote reminds us, that it’s okay to feel pain, but we are still resilient and trying to fight it and fight it no matter what, because falling down to the dark pit of misery and cold, is not the best idea; well, I guess not even for your worst enemy.

People tend to think there is no way out, but really, there is- to look forward for any good moments in life.
You have to deal with your loss, even though it hurts as hell. Not to yield, but to start a battle. Not after this coffee, not tomorrow, not from another Monday. You have to start the battle against the soldier in a shiny armour with a feeling of hope. With a feeling that you can do it, if you just try.

So try it now.

N.

P.s: Don’t worry about the silence before the storm- it will always eventually go away.

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“The memory is the scribe of the soul” – Part 2

I hope she comes back…if not in my dream, just in signs or happenings around me.

Today, I was staring out of the window and thinking about the things she told me. I was exhausted and people who were passing through the town on the other side of the window started to look blurry and shady…I didn’t want to fall asleep because that would be pretty inappropriate, because I was still sitting in classroom, praying for the clock to move faster.

I know she won’t come back, but as long as I know, nobody banned me from making up her story and continue…and it will always be up to you if it’s true or not. Because you know what? People will believe just to things they really wanna believe in.
Deep down I somehow wanna  continue in telling her story, even though I don’t really know it.

The day after figuring out and telling him, she must have felt numb. She was exhausted. The flashbacks from last night were too real…but she couldn’t let him to do that. Well, you know, people still have manners. Even though she wanted, but there was no other solution than just say no. She was feeling calm and happy when he held her hand, but still too insecure just because the heat of the moment was really fleeting. Let’s just say she wanted to prolong it as much as possible.
She felt like she could tell him a lot from her past or present, but still not everything. Like most of the people, he was just a human and she was not sure if he’d handle that many information at once. Well she was never sure.

There were so any thoughts in her head…but still the next day and the next one and the next one, she felt calm. Even though the next day after next next day she was seeing him…she doesn’t know what is it that still make her to look into his eyes and feel something new… at least for that little moment.
But,luckily, she still doesn’t believe him, she knows this is weird and she can’t let any feelings to overwhelm her.

Maybe someday you will get it and stop asking so many stupid questions.

I still think of her as a fragile person.
And maybe she is just lost in these halls, as much as I am.

N.

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Can you hear the silent whispering of hope?

“They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for”

There are morning when you wake up and think of all the people who sat next to you in a bus or train or whenever. Then you switch to people who sat next to you on purpose with their fingers crossed (even on feet) with a little light of hope that you will talk to them. Even though you think there was nobody like that, there certainly was somebody, I am sure. I mean, there were also plenty of times when somebody walked past you and hope you will stop by and talk to them, but you never did, either you didn’t have the guts or the other person didn’t.

There is a tendency of people, walking around their town, thinking that nobody love them and they don’t deserve love. Well that’s freaking not true. Have you ever thought that some stranger on the street might have been thinking “hmm she’s my type” but again, the lack of courage is here and makes your body disable. You have to learn that you have to just come to the person and open your mouth and I dunno say something silly to make them laugh…don’t throw away the opportunity.

I understand that we all have different lives and going through things differently. We are all carrying some shit in our lives, even if it’s visible or nah. In talking to people, you get to the point when you get to know them and realize that you’ve gone through something similar in your life and you don’t even know what a relief that is!
You know why? It gives us hope
And I think that this is it, we are supposed to talk to other people, get to know them, find people that fits us like no one before them but most importantly- get something what we are supposed to get from them- the hope that maybe, it will everything be okay at the very end.

Enough is enough.

N.

#mood

P.s: So stop looking at the sky that much and rather look into peoples eyes…still trying to learn it. I am just a human.

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Love hard when there is love to be had

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about feelings of love, what it means to me and why the hell I am still here after that shit load of disappointment I’ve been through. I mean, why do I still believe in this kind of happening in humans life?

Let’s say, everybody wants to be happy, right? Nobody wants to look over his/hers shoulder and realize that, hmm okay I wasted my life with being alone and now when the end is near- nobody stands by my side because I have never really let somebody to come closer to my heart.
If you wanna know, this also happens, but it’s rare, because so many people do this- if they are aware that they won’t find anybody else, even though they are not really satisfied with their current partner, they’d stay with him/her because they know they won’t find anybody else. You see?- they are doing this just because they don’t wanna be alone and after some time they’ll simply get used to that. Well, todays world, shoot me for being right.

I’ve been thinking about so many things connected to all of this- how I want to love, why I want to love the way I want to love, what I need to learn to love the way I wanna love, who I really need to become if I wanna receive some similar kind of love I am prepared to give…I told you, soo many things here.
When I sat down, tried to break it into one sequence, or one circle, I got this: Before my last days aka before I die, I wanna know a lot about the other person. I wanna know his hiding place/places, where he is hiding all of his secrets, memorable things, every single solitude, every single prayer he does while something is fucked up…because I want to be absolutely sure that I’ll keep it safe. I know I will keep it safe.
Because this is all about happiness for the other party and hope for a better tomorrow.

Once ,I’ve read somewhere something interesting about happiness. So let me make a little interpretation – Happiness happens during the hottest night of the summer, when you can’t even breathe and slowly going to bed, where you can’t even wear a T-shirt and have to sleep on the top of the sheets not under them. Feeling so tired, you just wanna fall asleep right that minute, but the sleep is not in the menu right away, but hell- the heat is so unbearable.
Finally, at some point of the night, so so late, just a few minutes before dawn, the heat breaks into a cool night full of secrets and unsaid things. You wake up for a second or two, feeling so chilled out, but groggy af, turn on the other side with sheets warm enough to cover up your tired body and fall asleep again. And this is it- this gesture- when you pull something over you, whether it’s something or someone – the feeling you’ll get when you really do it, feeling of safety and being prepared to sleep again. Yes, that’s happiness.

You know, he is not perfect, but the things is, I am not perfect either and we will never be. But the ability of making a person laugh and remind them of a really good feeling that is worth is something that not everybody is able to create for you. If he admits that he is just a human a he makes mistakes, hold onto him as long as you can. I am sure he is not going to have anything to do with poetry as you sometimes do, he will never be thinking about every moment like you do, but one of the most important things is, that he will give you a part of him that you will be able to break. Don’t try to change him, not because he is old enough to be changed, but he has his ups and downs like you do and you have to respect that. Lastly, don’t expect more than he can give. I know you are the one who analyzes a lot, you should stop at this point. Smile when you are happy that you are near him and he made that smile shine and miss him when he is not with you at that one moment.
You don’t even know how many people want this –  love hard when there is someone to love, when there is love to be had. 
Perfect people don’t exist, and if you are not already with him/her, I am sure the perfect one for you is waiting there- take your time, no worries he/she will wait for you.

Hope.

N.

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A little about women

,,She got to the point when she felt more comfortable talking about other people than herself. She felt that it’s better that way.”

lilac sunset

Usually when you are sick and laying in bed such a long long time as I do, you start to realize that days are alloying into one big pile of minutes while you are waiting till the sun comes down because you don’t have anything better to do. At this boring time of your life you think about theory of relativity, why unicorns doesn’t exist or I don’t know,+ why are you sick during the Easter holidays. Sounds familiar? Maybe a little.

So I was watching some series, not really listening, neither watching and started to think about us, women. I wanted to talk about this for such a long time actually and never really got to it. I know that International Womens day  or whatever was like a year ago but still, better now than never.

Woman is a very odd creature. I don’t even know if such tolerant creature even exist somewhere. She is able to forgive, but unfortunately unable to forget some things that happened, she is able to believe in something or believe in somebody even though she knows that somebody is lying to her, it is like she is willingly hurting herself. He can cheat, lie, hurting her…but consequently she is able to love him no matter what. Where the hell this “error” in womens head has its origin? Where is it from? Like do you think that women have this mistake somehow encoded into their minds from the very beginning? Is it possible?

It is kinda fascinating that woman believes this much. She believes that everything’s gonna change one day.
Women are a very very good liars, but the best liars if they are lying to themselves. They are creating a perfect “pictures” or maybe those paintings about their boyfriends, husbands, fathers, but those “pictures” are totally abstract, they are just exhibiting in their heads.
Okay I can say it like this:

 Why are WE still doing that? Why are we still expecting and imagining something?
What is it, that still makes us go on?
It's women's hope.

Women’s hope is a magical thing.
When there is a good period it twists our minds and draws the world the way it isn’t. It gives us the power to go though another day, and many many other days, it gives us the purpose to live. It gives us the feeling that when we wake up at the morning everything’s gonna be different, even though we know that nothing can change the way we want during just one night.
When there is a bad period, it lifts us off the ground and tells us that it doesn’t really matter that we fell off, we need to go on. Exactly you need to go on. And if you wanna now, you can’t stop just because of one obstacle. We were created to handle anything, you just need to believe in that.

So what about you? Do you still have your hope?

N.

P.s: Can you find hope in the light? Still figuring it out.

When there’s spark, there’s hope

“Hope
Smiles from the threshold of the year to come,
Whispering ‘it will be happier‘…”

hope

Another ordinary rainy day. I am walking through this street pretty often, but I spotted this smiley “graffiti” just now. Some people would say, that it’s a simple vandalism, but I just stopped and stared on it for just one second.
It reminded me a very general situation, which is happening a lot these days. Can you see the little smile in the cold, “black and white” world? All alone, but still kicking with a extraordinary light. That smiley face is a symbol of hope. Symbolizing, we are supposed to try and find at least this little happy face, in every bad situation. Even if it’s so hard sometimes, and you feel, that you are on the edge. Just remain strong and you should be aware, that at the real end, you won’t regret that.

…because deep down, you know what’s good for you.

N.