One of many

“What defines a man is not food, however, but the appetite with which he consumes it”

People are different.

This quote from a piece of art called Walden just reminded me of their portrayal.

One person enjoys every single bite of the meal that they are eating…

…the other just quickly eats up the whole plate because they have to.

One side really enjoy every single second of their life, they value it because it is something precious, but the other one…they just want it to be quickly over.

Sad or true?

Depends.

N.

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“The memory is the scribe of the soul” – Part 2

I hope she comes back…if not in my dream, just in signs or happenings around me.

Today, I was staring out of the window and thinking about the things she told me. I was exhausted and people who were passing through the town on the other side of the window started to look blurry and shady…I didn’t want to fall asleep because that would be pretty inappropriate, because I was still sitting in classroom, praying for the clock to move faster.

I know she won’t come back, but as long as I know, nobody banned me from making up her story and continue…and it will always be up to you if it’s true or not. Because you know what? People will believe just to things they really wanna believe in.
Deep down I somehow wanna  continue in telling her story, even though I don’t really know it.

The day after figuring out and telling him, she must have felt numb. She was exhausted. The flashbacks from last night were too real…but she couldn’t let him to do that. Well, you know, people still have manners. Even though she wanted, but there was no other solution than just say no. She was feeling calm and happy when he held her hand, but still too insecure just because the heat of the moment was really fleeting. Let’s just say she wanted to prolong it as much as possible.
She felt like she could tell him a lot from her past or present, but still not everything. Like most of the people, he was just a human and she was not sure if he’d handle that many information at once. Well she was never sure.

There were so any thoughts in her head…but still the next day and the next one and the next one, she felt calm. Even though the next day after next next day she was seeing him…she doesn’t know what is it that still make her to look into his eyes and feel something new… at least for that little moment.
But,luckily, she still doesn’t believe him, she knows this is weird and she can’t let any feelings to overwhelm her.

Maybe someday you will get it and stop asking so many stupid questions.

I still think of her as a fragile person.
And maybe she is just lost in these halls, as much as I am.

N.

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“The memory is the scribe of the soul”

“How did you do that?”
“What?”
“Stopped feeling so cold.”
“Let me tell you…”

There are some points of your life when you are standing in the middle of the road and don’t know where to continue. Looking around yourself, trying to figure out which of the ways is the one for you- this is happening to me with writing, right now. There are so many things I can write about…but today, I am choosing a storytelling. I had a dream last night and I decided to tell you about it. I made up most of it, to fill in the gaps, but I feel confident about it anyway.

I had a friend who went through some really really messed up shit. I got to know her a very very long time ago and I knew that this is one of the worst times in her life. She didn’t even have to tell me, I knew. At the beginning of this year, when things started to become clearer and a little bit happier for her, she decided to see The Oracle. Not that she really believed in stuff like that, but just out of curiosity and a little bit of fun. I can’t really remember what was she saying to me about the things that The Oracle said to her, but one thing particularly stayed in my mind. The Oracle told her that something big will happen in next few years, most importantly in her love life. The only thing I remember from her is that one day, a guy will come from abroad, not speaking in her language, but he’s gonna be having some relations here, plus he’ll be working here and they will get to know each other and obviously fall in love. She was kinda surprised when she heard it because she didn’t believe and she was convinced that it will never happen. Like, duh, those things happen mostly in movies. Well more than a half of the year passed and she almost forgot about it. We have been meeting from time to time at the same place at the same time, in the same day of the month and were talking and talking… and the day came when she was quieter than usual. I was confused so I asked her what’s wrong. She told me, that she was thinking last few days about something. Well, as a good listener, I stayed quiet and let her to express what’s on your mind. She asked me if I remember those “bad times”, I just nodded, because I didn’t really wanted to interrupt her. And basically, all that happened was that the “prediction” about the guy from another place is starting to “take a form”.  Like, oh fuck, shit is becoming too real. I didn’t even believe my own ears when she told me. I don’t believe in Oracles…so I was confused. It is still at the beginning, she told me, and she doesn’t know where it’s gonna head from here….
I remember I wanted to ask something, but after that I woke up in the middle of the night, with a very very soar throat. I really really wanted to know how it continued!

I don’t really have dreams like this. I mean, I don’t even have dreams that I remember, so it scared me a lot actually. But then I went to sleep again and I was thinking about it after I woke up that morning. Well, as Aristotle once said- “Memory is a scribe of a soul”, I am glad I remembered it and was able to write it down before the memory flies away in a gust of wind trying to play with my hair.

Do you think I will ever hear from the girl again?
Because I would really love to know how her story will end…
We will see.

Till then…

N.

P.s: …I will try to look through these windows, maybe I will see her somewhere.

another-windows

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Can you hear the silent whispering of hope?

“They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for”

There are morning when you wake up and think of all the people who sat next to you in a bus or train or whenever. Then you switch to people who sat next to you on purpose with their fingers crossed (even on feet) with a little light of hope that you will talk to them. Even though you think there was nobody like that, there certainly was somebody, I am sure. I mean, there were also plenty of times when somebody walked past you and hope you will stop by and talk to them, but you never did, either you didn’t have the guts or the other person didn’t.

There is a tendency of people, walking around their town, thinking that nobody love them and they don’t deserve love. Well that’s freaking not true. Have you ever thought that some stranger on the street might have been thinking “hmm she’s my type” but again, the lack of courage is here and makes your body disable. You have to learn that you have to just come to the person and open your mouth and I dunno say something silly to make them laugh…don’t throw away the opportunity.

I understand that we all have different lives and going through things differently. We are all carrying some shit in our lives, even if it’s visible or nah. In talking to people, you get to the point when you get to know them and realize that you’ve gone through something similar in your life and you don’t even know what a relief that is!
You know why? It gives us hope
And I think that this is it, we are supposed to talk to other people, get to know them, find people that fits us like no one before them but most importantly- get something what we are supposed to get from them- the hope that maybe, it will everything be okay at the very end.

Enough is enough.

N.

#mood

P.s: So stop looking at the sky that much and rather look into peoples eyes…still trying to learn it. I am just a human.

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Inevitable individuality of the well known character

Introduction?
Not needed this time.
I am sure you can relate.

Well there will always be one thing that will tear us all apart (in a good way mostly)- and that thing is  called individuality. I know, I know, the regular talk about being different and people are supposed to be themselves and stuff…yea I know that and I am sure you know that too.
It has always seemed weird for me, that people wanted to be somebody else than themselves and tried to act like someone who is their role model or a pop star or just a older cool girl living next door.
Like, honestly? We all did it, even though you won’t admit it, you did.
When you are aging and  trying to find your identity, trying to create your own opinions, settle at that one point that will suit you, making a nest full of your things and your life- long story short – creating your own state of mind that will indicate it’s yours and anyone else.

There will be times when people will not particularly understand you and you will feel the freaking feeling of misapprehension. But you have to understand, that not everyone understands how your mind works, like basically nobody gets that, maybe just you. Maybe you will discover that one missing piece of you who will totally get you, your mind twists and stuff like that, but that’s just a mystery for now.

The question will still remain:
,,Why don’t you believe in things and opinions of other people?”
Answer:
,,Because I do have mine and they don’t really have to be the same as yours.”
Why?
,,Because I am allowed to have different opinion than you. That’s it.”

People may not get why are you worried all the time, or why are you scared of certain things. They will think you are weak- minded and that you are such a weak person in general because, those things makes you weak, right? You are allowing fear to get into your system and it ends up with some shit happening. Well yea, but actually sometimes being worried doesn’t show your weakness, just that you care a lot with a passion burning like a fire.

Sometimes you will laugh on things that may not be funny for other people and they will look at you like “wtf is this girl laughing at? she’s weird…” and you will laugh on the stupidest things ever, because that’s you and that awkward silence in front of you may make you a little bit more self- conscious.

At some point of your life you will figure out that you are a extroverted introvert.  One day it’s okay and the another it’s not. There is no intention to hurt somebody, it just happens from time to time and nobody’s planning on it because plot twist– people like that still exist.
Some people will try to convince you that your big heart and goodwill are something poisonous, that those things are just a simple weaknesses for you and that’s why there is something wrong with you? And what about your quirkiness? Did they tell you it’s a flaw? Nah, it’s not- you are not counting their flaws  either so why the hell would you listen to somebody who does?

I know you are just having the best intentions. You may not always looked like that on the first sight but inside…it is something completely different. At least some people have said that before. It is always different once you get to know the person a little better.

You have to remember that some people won’t see the best in you– they will call you names, they will let you down, they will betray you, but there is a secret that a lot of people know and went through- some of them will. 

That’s one of the most valuable happening.

So, do you know yourself well?

N.

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“At the end, the only thing you see, is sky intersected with a lightning.”

There are days, when I don’t feel like I am a neat person. Most of the times that happens during the days when I don’t even feel like crawling out of the bed. I surely am not a Sunday morning person ( maybe also with the emphasis on today, because while I am writing these words, I am at work) and surely not s Friday sunset person either.

Why?

Because, I don’t know if you can imagine, the feeling when you know, the weekend is near, weekend maybe full of adventures or just a regular bed- like one, you just feel the relief after a long week full of stereotype, the sunset washes away all the problems and you simply wanna go on a little bit more- well, why not?

I do sometimes feel like Wednesday 1. am tho, while listening to drunk people chattering below my bedroom window, I feel like a broken mind lock on March. Listening all the time to my bones, slightly cracking, every time I turn on the other back, at least for fifty times that night and all the other nights too. I fall down from the bed in full elegance with a muffled smack and still finding excuses for my awkward sadness.

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Sometimes, I have to leave my house without nobody noticing me, completely alone, wandering around town on my roller skates, trying to avoid people, just because I have a feeling, that I don’t belong there. I tend to think I belong to all the made up day, that didn’t even happen for real. Then I sit down on a bench, listen to music or to “whatever-the-place-I-am” sounds. I am waiting till the light and darkness mix up together- whether in my mind or in the outside world. And, at the end, the only thing you see, is darkness intersected with a lightning. But, damn- those echoes- that feels just splendid and sad in the same way.

Well, as you already know, there are bad days, but at the end, the effort to make your day better, whether it is your attempt or attempt of somebody else?

Two words- Worth it.

Just give it a try.

N.

 

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