“The memory is the scribe of the soul” – Part 2

I hope she comes back…if not in my dream, just in signs or happenings around me.

Today, I was staring out of the window and thinking about the things she told me. I was exhausted and people who were passing through the town on the other side of the window started to look blurry and shady…I didn’t want to fall asleep because that would be pretty inappropriate, because I was still sitting in classroom, praying for the clock to move faster.

I know she won’t come back, but as long as I know, nobody banned me from making up her story and continue…and it will always be up to you if it’s true or not. Because you know what? People will believe just to things they really wanna believe in.
Deep down I somehow wanna  continue in telling her story, even though I don’t really know it.

The day after figuring out and telling him, she must have felt numb. She was exhausted. The flashbacks from last night were too real…but she couldn’t let him to do that. Well, you know, people still have manners. Even though she wanted, but there was no other solution than just say no. She was feeling calm and happy when he held her hand, but still too insecure just because the heat of the moment was really fleeting. Let’s just say she wanted to prolong it as much as possible.
She felt like she could tell him a lot from her past or present, but still not everything. Like most of the people, he was just a human and she was not sure if he’d handle that many information at once. Well she was never sure.

There were so any thoughts in her head…but still the next day and the next one and the next one, she felt calm. Even though the next day after next next day she was seeing him…she doesn’t know what is it that still make her to look into his eyes and feel something new… at least for that little moment.
But,luckily, she still doesn’t believe him, she knows this is weird and she can’t let any feelings to overwhelm her.

Maybe someday you will get it and stop asking so many stupid questions.

I still think of her as a fragile person.
And maybe she is just lost in these halls, as much as I am.

N.

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GUIDELINE: How to wreck your world in just few points

…°_°…

Have you ever imagined your life as a timeline of some milestones? (Nah, not that Facebook shit *groan*) Well, if not, you did a good job so far, because it is not like that. You are expected (from every single side) to finish your school (even though it is okay, if you won’t), get married, have (a successful) job, start a family and just live in a comfortable way in some certain age.  In my opinion, it’s not a rule, that everything from that „life bucketlist“ have to particularly happen.
You are allowed to explore yourself, your needs, desires, your interests – but as a mater of fact, people forget about it, because someone at the very beginning once told them, that life is supposed to be a „program“.  By program, I mean – go to high school, end it with great success, and in such a young age choose your „life carrier“ at some university. Go through it (like it’s a easy path, oh my) even though there are situations, when people might not be that satisfied with their chosen major. Then finish up with the highest degree you can possibly achieve, go out find a job- try hard and then try harder. Then next stop, next stop…and so on, thinking that you are filling up some „life list“ while you are just doing something you are expected to do from the very beginning.
And now, I am gonna tell you a secret- One day, you’ll end up being so sick of it all, because deep inside of you, you’ll feel that this is stupid and you’ll be waking up depressed because your life you’re living just like others, like a blind sheep in some dark cot, filled up with other misfortunate ones. The stressed out mind of yours will be visible, even though you’ll want to hide it. You will be under so much pressure and won’t even understand why.

Do you really want to see your life in ruins?

(1) Let’s say you can do a lot of things that can destroy your world and leave you a wreck. Well, there is a posiblity you can ruin your life by choosing to be with a wrong person.
People tend to jump into relationships just like that, they are not even thinking before they literally step into the dark not knowing where the bloody pit, they’re gonna step in, is really situated. This is a major problem nowadays- people not thinking, taking quickly the first thing universe gives them, not waiting, not getting to know each other – just jumping into undiscovered areas. Thinking only about things that are not that important, not realizing that people are tools for destroying too.
Then there are people, the desperate ones, who need to find that one person and stay with them just because they can’t be be alone (no, not at all) Do you know on how many levels is that wrong? Maybe on every single one- a childish happening, indeed.
It is an adult sign, if you are able to be alone and still feel okay with it.
Be alone.
Eat alone.
Sleep alone.
Go out alone.
If you master those things first, then you know you’re ready. Don’t be desperate for a realtionship, don’t become a wreck by running after something that supposed to come naturally. Just wait for it, and then – it will turn out to be worth.

(2) If you are a reagular reader here, then you’ll know, I used to talk a lot about past stuff. Do you know why I don’t do that anymore? Because I didn’t let it grow through me. I killed that tile- yes, it happen, from time to time, that I see some new browses in the ground, but as much as I’ve learned, I have to systematically kill it all and surely, can’t let it define me, under any circumstances. If something happened and you think it broke you, no, it jsut broke a little piece of you, on the inside. You are always strong to go on, because nothing is that bad, that it can’t always be worse.
Remember that.
You have to allow yourseld to let go and move on. You will never redo and relive those moments and memories so…You are becoming an adult and you have to manage yourself to go straight forward and you won’t look back for toxic happenings, that poisons your mind over and over again.

(3) Have you ever be scared of stop feeling? Well, that happens too. People are desensitizing their life, simply said.There are situations when they are afraid to say something that they really want other (or him/her) to know, but then let go of it, just because of the scare of the reaction is overwhelming their voice. It is always the same with feeling towards people- falling into it too deeply or showing what they mean to them. Nowadaysm a word caringis synonymical to a word foolish. Yes, the truth is, it makes you vulnerable- it is very easy to step on it and crush it, in few seconds, just like that. You can’t deny it, that’s how true it is.
Personally, I think there is no shameabout it- So, (if you gain enough confidence, and I hope you do) tell him what you really meant when  you laid back to back in bed yesterday night. Tell your mom you love her, eyes to eyes, because you know she’d be so fucking happy, you can’t even imagine.
Express yourself without being so afraid because of this, this, and that. There is no bigger courage than come clean and open up in front of the world.

(4) Because one day you maybe realize that you are doing everything the way it destroys you, you are sitting in the cold corner and quietly tolerating it. At the end of the day, you are supposed to celebrate to be alive with someone you love (even though it is just your cat or dog). You can’t settle down for less, when deep down you know you can do much better and this is just not enough. That’s how you kill your potential and desire.
So I advice you- don’t let things like that happen to you, if you love yourself, at least a teeny tiny little bit. Do not try to fucking cut your life into pieces of debris.

You can always do so so much better than this, you just have to open your eyes wider and do not let anything to sneak behind your back without you noticing it.
Always be one step ahead.

Because when you got down here, you can surely do that.

N.

subor_001

↑One of my favourite ones↑

Attempt to create an effort to leave my skeptic feature chained to the radiator

“She was right.
She never looked nice.
She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.”

I was reading this book yesterday and I caught myself smiling a little while reading some parts. I don’t read books anymore (at least not that frequent as I used to) not that I don’t want to, but mostly because I have no time. What is sad because I did read a lot in the past- I remember my teachers at high school, they used to take my books because I was reading during lessons. Well, I was always hungry for the real end of the story, you can’t blame me!
SO, as I was saying, I was reading this sentences over and over again and I was really thinking about it and trying to connect it to the real world (as I always do), to something that is happening in my world and I am realizing it but it’s not that visible. Maybe just till now.

While in relationship, people tend to look at the outside shell as the most important thing in the whole unit. Okay, the wave of critique is here- yes, I know, in today’s society it’s so freaking important- how do you look, what do you wear, if yo are wearing the famous brands etc etc (so many unimportant things at some point…), it is a little reversed happening now. Well that’s happening everywhere dears, nothing new. The inside world does play a role in this game for two, but only after some time, I’d say.
But what I wanted to really say is, that when you feel something, that is the one important thing here. You look at that other person and you know: Oh my, it is so amazing having you in my life…And maybe it’s just for a moment and  it’s over in another second, but you know it is so good and you felt it, so like a bonus point is still here. You felt it and that is what plays the most important role here.

Sometimes I tend to think that every single happening like this, is temporary and it won’t last long enough for me to be happy for some prolonged period of time. Yes, you saved me from my darkest demons, for now, but what about later when I fall down that rabbit hole again? It is supposed to be all temporary because that’s how life works, unfortunately. But, I am living for those minutes, for the happiness, for the time I am spending with you because I know that someday it will be over and I don’t want to regret not doing or not saying something that I really wanted, even though the truth is I don’t always hear it back, because that’s the way you are and I have to respect that.

It is about the little moments and there is a need to enjoy them while they last.

Most of the times, it’s not about being romantic af all the time (you know, but sometimes you can be), but about being real. I mean, being real can be defined as- adult stuff- being honest with each other, having conversations of, I dunno- of a deeper character , taking care of each other, listen to each other when the one has something important to say…it all takes time to learn how to cooperate all of tis into one healthy relationship that would suit to both.

I really wanna come to that level in my life, when I am not afraid of loosing anyone again.The day when I become heartless and won’t really let anyone to step into my comfort zone, will just come.

But for now, I am too young and  too kind hearted for that.

We will see.

N.

P.s: Take the other party for a walk, that’s a good start.

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