Inevitable individuality of the well known character

Introduction?
Not needed this time.
I am sure you can relate.

Well there will always be one thing that will tear us all apart (in a good way mostly)- and that thing is  called individuality. I know, I know, the regular talk about being different and people are supposed to be themselves and stuff…yea I know that and I am sure you know that too.
It has always seemed weird for me, that people wanted to be somebody else than themselves and tried to act like someone who is their role model or a pop star or just a older cool girl living next door.
Like, honestly? We all did it, even though you won’t admit it, you did.
When you are aging and  trying to find your identity, trying to create your own opinions, settle at that one point that will suit you, making a nest full of your things and your life- long story short – creating your own state of mind that will indicate it’s yours and anyone else.

There will be times when people will not particularly understand you and you will feel the freaking feeling of misapprehension. But you have to understand, that not everyone understands how your mind works, like basically nobody gets that, maybe just you. Maybe you will discover that one missing piece of you who will totally get you, your mind twists and stuff like that, but that’s just a mystery for now.

The question will still remain:
,,Why don’t you believe in things and opinions of other people?”
Answer:
,,Because I do have mine and they don’t really have to be the same as yours.”
Why?
,,Because I am allowed to have different opinion than you. That’s it.”

People may not get why are you worried all the time, or why are you scared of certain things. They will think you are weak- minded and that you are such a weak person in general because, those things makes you weak, right? You are allowing fear to get into your system and it ends up with some shit happening. Well yea, but actually sometimes being worried doesn’t show your weakness, just that you care a lot with a passion burning like a fire.

Sometimes you will laugh on things that may not be funny for other people and they will look at you like “wtf is this girl laughing at? she’s weird…” and you will laugh on the stupidest things ever, because that’s you and that awkward silence in front of you may make you a little bit more self- conscious.

At some point of your life you will figure out that you are a extroverted introvert.  One day it’s okay and the another it’s not. There is no intention to hurt somebody, it just happens from time to time and nobody’s planning on it because plot twist– people like that still exist.
Some people will try to convince you that your big heart and goodwill are something poisonous, that those things are just a simple weaknesses for you and that’s why there is something wrong with you? And what about your quirkiness? Did they tell you it’s a flaw? Nah, it’s not- you are not counting their flaws  either so why the hell would you listen to somebody who does?

I know you are just having the best intentions. You may not always looked like that on the first sight but inside…it is something completely different. At least some people have said that before. It is always different once you get to know the person a little better.

You have to remember that some people won’t see the best in you– they will call you names, they will let you down, they will betray you, but there is a secret that a lot of people know and went through- some of them will. 

That’s one of the most valuable happening.

So, do you know yourself well?

N.

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The Fifth Symphony of my Life

“Beata est vita conveniens naturae suae”

Sometimes I get this one thought in my head that, if I were an angel, I would shit on people from the height. I wouldn’t care about them. I wouldn’t have a reason to help them,  to pick them up after they fall or lifting their heavy rocks of their consciousnesses. I would never be able to watch them committing suicides, to watch their crocked relationships, to watch them trying to ban themselves from a simple feature of their life- being all natural, being spontaneous. Just like they are running in front of themselves, just like they are falling asleep with stemmed tears in their eyes and just like they are not seeing the fact, that they are becoming someone who they have never wanted to be.

BUT

Everything has its “but”…
But I am just an ordinary human being, just a ordinary woman. I can’t give on people just like that, I haven’t been raised like that, because unlike those winged creatures, I have a magical thing called conscience. The thing is, I love to call it a internal catharsis of a soul. You can imagine it like a raised finger, pointed out to the sky.
I am just letting you know that you will never run away from your actions, you will never run away from the mirror ones- never.

We want to believe in miracles just when we really freaking need them. It doesn’t have to necessarily come in a trumpery form of a sparkly smoke, but they come from time to time. Sometimes things we don’t understand (and we never will) happen and we classify them as miracles because we have no other choice. And if we look at it from other perspective, it is just a ordinary and very often wrongly understood simple principle.

After reading some books I’ve realized so many things about people, their behavior and their tendency to do things their way. Maybe also their tendency to forget so quickly. I mean, I think it is one of the worst mistakes of a human being ever- forgetting. To erase themselves, to erase the child hidden that is living inside (or at least was living…), who is getting to know the world, I’d say, pretty empirically. Adding up, dividing, redoubling and calculating at the end.

There are just times when words mean only that much, how much a rock thrown onto the calm surface of a mountain lake. The rock will disturb the peacefully looking surface of a mind and a human is not able to see the reflection of himself.

What do you think – can we live with it?

N.

Súbor_000

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Mind flow

What I saw was something different. When I looked there, I saw something that other people didn’t really see at all.

wicked mind

This wasn’t just an old damaged wall. It was the look to the knotty mind. From the bottom to the top I can see all the thoughts and ideas trying to outrun each other so that particular ones gonna be the one which is going to be the first.
So with this tangled mind of mine was walking around the town, thinking about those times, when I wasn’t really happy, when I thought that I am in a bad place. I am glad to say that I am feeling better now (tbh, I don’t even have time to feel ridiculous again).
Sometimes it feels right but sometimes I don’t even know how to react to some things. I know I would react differently like 5 month ago and I would react totally different today. It it so fascinating that your mind can change like nothing from minute to minute. Also your thoughts flowing through your mind like a kite on the sky, from left to right and from right to left, playful, joyful but also struggling with the wind and bad weather.

Get it?
I know you do.

N.

Mind games

,,There were all mind games..”- he said.
,,Don’t worry.”

sunset

Even if you don’t want to admit it, there is a critical situation (situations?) in your life, when you just feel the pressure, feeling uncomfortable, you don’t fucking like it, asking yourself this one simple question- ,,Are we out of the woods yet?” even if you know, you are not. This is the thing- you need somebody to stay by your side, to tell you that you re not out yet, but you are on the right way to get there. You can’t really be alone for the rest of your life, because it’s gonna destroy you. If you really wanna get there, you need to do things for that.

Situations like that-desperation, all the freekishly weird stuff happening in your head- and you are thinking- loosing all hope was just a simple freedom for you. You lost your hope and suddenly it was all a lot easier- for some time. Do you think that this is right? Yes, so many people are thinking like this. Not for the whole time, but in the particular period of their life, when they just feel that something’s wrong, more importantly, not the way they want it. Being lonely doesn’t really help, you know. Not seeking that desperately and finding, indeed helps a lot in a mental condition of a person. I know I am repeating it all over, but it’s always to have friend by your side, because you don’t really wanna go crazy.

It’s all about your inside world. It’s all about what you have in your mind, how you think and last but not least –  how strong you are, to deal with big/small problems/issues. Basically it’s a mind game, your mind is playing games with you. Are you feeling stuck? I know it sounds depressive and stuff, but still, everything you feel is wrong, is just happening in your head, you are able to change it whenever you want to change it. As I was standing on the balcony, smoking the last cigarette, staring at this beautiful sunset, I knew all of it. When I want to be okay, I am gonna be, if not, I am not gonna be okay. Simple as that. You just need to convince yourself about the simple statement in your mind. Do it and things will move on.

N.

Mood here, mood there

,,What’s happening?”

clouds 2

Yesterday I was walking to university and I was looking at the sky for a few moments, thinking about one special thing what most of the people have: moodyness. I am sure that this word doesn’t really exist and I just made it up, but basically what I meant by that – changing moods like socks. Basics- good mood/bad mood (maybe sometimes something in the middle, okay) You never know what can happen when you act without thinking because you are sad, angry, whatever…Most of us are exaggerating things when we are “fucked up” and acting out, out of our minds, most of the times (I would say that 95% tops) people really regret what they said, what they did, you can’t imagine how much. Suddenly you are sad because of something and then you are laughing and there are no tears in your eyes. Isn’t is weird? But still, it’s happening every day to so many people. How beautiful is humans mind – unexpected and changeable.

Our mood switching is like those clouds on the picture, still changing sometimes without noticing, sometimes too much.

Ask yourself: Am I a moody person?

N.

clouds 1

The moment of silence

“If there were a little more silence, if we all kept quiet…maybe we could understand something.”

brick wall

Silence. Sitting. Thinking.
If you are scared of what’s gonna come next, don’t be. Allow the scare to lead you to unexplored places of your mind. Because this is bravery, to go to the place which is unknown for you. Let your mind and heart lead the way to those places where the weather is changeable  and anything can happen. But still, don’t waste your time with regretting of you going there. That’s your own path towards the place you have always wanted to visit. Do it because you want to and need to at the same time. The place is not gonna be the same as the other places in this world. If you feel that you are gonna fuck up and it really happens, just close your eyes, breathe deeply and simply go back, retrace your steps and start again with knowing exactly which action was wrong. Don’t just waste you time staring at the brick wall like an idiot, because maybe you were born for this exact silent moment. Don’t waste it.

N.

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