Night night

Sometimes I am asking myself- “Is this really all I can get from you? Is this really everything? A cold shoulder?”To be honest with you, the feeling of not being wanted (enough) is one of the worst ones in life. 

Those are the thoughts that keep you awake at night, even though you want to sleep so badly.

But then you turn on the other side of the bed and there are the little things in your head, suddenly appearing in your mind, just out of the blue- like a kiss of your hand just before sleep or a good laugh about some unimportant shit…the mutual understanding at some point or even a slightly interesting topic of a conversation still make you believe in a better future of yours.

And that one still make you smile, admit it.

Then you turn back and see the back of his, facing you in a innocent state of deep sleep, and you know that there will be a new sunrise tomorrow. At least you don’t have to be insecure about this one. 

Okay? 

Okay. 

N.

Stereotypical much?

,,And we’ll be running, running, running…”


other perspective

I haven’t been anywhere “out of here” for a while. It kinda bothers me because I really don’t like standing still..I know the summer is long gone, but still need to move, even if there is no vacation, or holidays or whatsoever.

I am just walking around the town, needing some inspiration, searching for something with a idea. Despite exams and shit, I would like to leave for a couple of days again because I don’t like the things that are happening here.

Do you also have that feeling when you come from an exciting trip and you are happy it even happened (heat of the moment situation), but in few days you need to leave again because your “place” is killing you? Or okay not killing, but you have a feeling that you need to move and see new things/places, or maybe old places where you haven’t been for some time – like exploring old places again because you know, that you can find something new there? It almost always happens.

To be completely honest, it is very uncomfortable here. The same place, same happenings, the stereotype is getting on me pretty well and I can feel it. Still passing through the same streets, listening to the same music, staring on the same buildings, trees, stuff in general- on and on.
Today I woke up and the first thing on my mind was a simple question- ,,HOW LONG?” For how long do I need to hold on to this? And “surprisingly”, the answer was nowhere to find.

This is simply not way I wanna live my life. It makes me feel sick, but right now, I would say, that I am too young to do anything, but old enough to do at least something.

I have to figure it out because the question is hanging in front of me like every day and something need to be done.
I don’t know what yet, but sooner or later the answer will appear.

If you are going through something similar do everything what’s in your power to get what you want to get, because it’s your life and you will be living it till the end not him her or whoever. You are the one who’s gonna spend the rest of your life with you, so make your wishes and needs come true. Otherwise it’s gonna be a very boring and depressive life and I am sure you don’t really want that.

Fingers crossed.

N.

P.s: Pictures from just one day 🙂

bw trees bw

light in the light

sunset 2 sunset

night

 

 

The reminder

clouds 1

I saw those clouds again today.
I always feel better when I see them.
I am always chasing them on the sky, watching them trying to outrun themselves, just like us.
Just like people.
A perfect metaphor.

I don’t know what it exactly is, what I see on the sky, but is fascinates me a lot actually. Either day or night. Night heaven is like the most beautiful when you are out of town, free of lights and everything distracting. Just both of you and the stars. Still in love with the bright sky during the day, even if it’s just a rainy day, sunny clear sky or cloudy changeable one. Because it still reminds me of people, moods,reactions,happenings. .

It reminds me of life…

clouds 3 clouds 4

…and it always will.

N.

Turn it off

,,Too many thoughts for one night.”


smeared night

I was standing under the hot shower, like every single other day, thinking about all the stuff that happened today, particularly this night, thinking about one thing above others – What are you exactly doing, when you don’t know what are you supposed to do? Which way are you going? Sometimes I am asking myself, if somebody can explain it all to me, because there are days, when I am totally lost in it.

It’s so fucking hard sometimes, to do the right thing, when you don’t even know which one of them is the right one. How am I supposed to know? Nobody’s ever gonna tell you and that’s the scary thing. You should just try and believe, that the way you are taking isn’t the worst one, because when you take the worst one, you are making yourself even more fucked up, drowning, generally feeling sad with knowing that you are doing it to yourself.

This emotional outburst was just…this was something I didn’t really expect to come today.

Yea. . it’s alright. At the end of the day it’s all alright, because when you are going to sleep, you should be feeling okay. But, then there’s the question. When the hell is it gonna be okay? When the real time’s gonna come and you’ll really feel it’s really okay?…Again, nobody’s gonna tell you. Oh hell yes.

Conclusion? NO there is no conclusion again, because you are the person who is supposed to figure it all out by yourself. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I know that you will figure it out. And I am gonna figure it out too.

There is still a way, but you just have to find it and live through it and hold it as long as possible. Because when you don’t hold it..you feel so fucking empty. . .  You are often saying to yourself: ,,I just, I can’t do this anymore. I have to be truthful to myself. There is something happening and I have to figure it out.”
There is something, that every single person carries in themselves and going through it every single day, if it’s happy or it’s sad, but it’s still something. You just desperately need to figure out what is it.

All things I am talking about are not just from the general point of view, something that’s really happening. I hope that at the end of the day, when you are going finally to sleep, having a numb feeling, just wanna lay, don’t want to feel a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g what you felt during the day. You are supposed to forget everything, you are supposed to be happy and chilled etc. You need to realize a lot of things, if you really wanna fall asleep with a light and easy feeling.

Manage yourself to go to sleep today and sleep for real. It’s gonna be a good one, you turn off everything, feeling calm and peaceful, because that’s something that everybody really deserves, am I right?

Yea. . it’s alright. Because at the end of the day you will  know, that there is a new day behind the door and has a very good expectations to be even better that today was. You just have to figure it out.

I really hope you will.

N.

Faux amis

LISTEN TO THEIR UNTRUE LAUGHTER, THEN WALK AWAY

A very wise man, who said this, knew what he is talking about. /Charles Bukowski/

Like we can open a bottle of good wine for this topic- faux amis a.k.a false/fake friends.


It’s kinda scary how many people are “friends” with this kind of people. You don’t even know how many of them are pretending to be who they are not. Their true nature is hidden for some time, but in conclusion- every time revealed to the world.  Yea, you guessed it right- most of the time happening in movies.
There are some individuals who know, that they are friending somebody who is fake, but doing exactly nothing with that. Still asking myself -why the hell are the people even becoming like that? All purely rhetorical questions, leading myself to a bitter  “no” answer (like usual, when something mainstream comes to my way). People are friending them just like that, for a very long time- then it slides to a happening, that they don’t want to let them go just because they spend so much time with them, have so many memories with them, telling them all their deepest secrets, fucking opening up to them…and the end of the day being the person that cares about them.
Sometimes I am thinking about The Great Karma kicking to the face, if it’s even real and if the people who had done such nasty stuff, will be punished for what they did to others.
Some people need to grow up to that point, when the day D will to come, they’ll realize how damaged they are, just because of that one person that made it all so difficult and easy in the same way. I know it’s hard to let go of somebody, who spent so many years with you, but this is like a first step to make your future better, to make your life better, to be a better person in your own eyes.

They will be laughing in front of YOU, lying willingly to your face and then the moment when you’ll just walk away? Worth of it all.
Don’t let people you know for a very long time, using you. If there is something on somebody you don’t particularly like, just tell them even if it’s weird. It is generally known that truth will set you free, but firstly it will piss you off. In this situation- it will set you free and it will piss them off, because they will know what you won 🙂 . Simple as that. If people get criticism and they are real friends, they will stay. Otherwise, non of your problem anymore.

blackMy advice? Don’t let them win, because you know, that you are not the weak one. This is a game for two people, so you can play too.
Be your own hero if it’s in need.
Allow yourself to let go.

N.

 

Mind games

,,There were all mind games..”- he said.
,,Don’t worry.”

sunset

Even if you don’t want to admit it, there is a critical situation (situations?) in your life, when you just feel the pressure, feeling uncomfortable, you don’t fucking like it, asking yourself this one simple question- ,,Are we out of the woods yet?” even if you know, you are not. This is the thing- you need somebody to stay by your side, to tell you that you re not out yet, but you are on the right way to get there. You can’t really be alone for the rest of your life, because it’s gonna destroy you. If you really wanna get there, you need to do things for that.

Situations like that-desperation, all the freekishly weird stuff happening in your head- and you are thinking- loosing all hope was just a simple freedom for you. You lost your hope and suddenly it was all a lot easier- for some time. Do you think that this is right? Yes, so many people are thinking like this. Not for the whole time, but in the particular period of their life, when they just feel that something’s wrong, more importantly, not the way they want it. Being lonely doesn’t really help, you know. Not seeking that desperately and finding, indeed helps a lot in a mental condition of a person. I know I am repeating it all over, but it’s always to have friend by your side, because you don’t really wanna go crazy.

It’s all about your inside world. It’s all about what you have in your mind, how you think and last but not least –  how strong you are, to deal with big/small problems/issues. Basically it’s a mind game, your mind is playing games with you. Are you feeling stuck? I know it sounds depressive and stuff, but still, everything you feel is wrong, is just happening in your head, you are able to change it whenever you want to change it. As I was standing on the balcony, smoking the last cigarette, staring at this beautiful sunset, I knew all of it. When I want to be okay, I am gonna be, if not, I am not gonna be okay. Simple as that. You just need to convince yourself about the simple statement in your mind. Do it and things will move on.

N.

The wise choice

,,I’ll stand by you, will you stand by me?”

smear feeling

A few days ago I’ve heard a very wise sentence – ,,Some people will try to break your wings, so you won’t be able to fly anymore.”
I stopped for a second and started to think about it. So many things appeared in my mind, you wouldn’t even believe me, but still, this man knew what he was talking about.
Back to the sentence, I am not saying there are only mean a vicious people around us, there are a few people, who are honest, kind hearted with a sense of help, but more important- loyal. Okay, I know that. If you’d look a little closer you would see, that so many people are here just for themselves more that for others, they wouldn’t fall down for you when you need it, they would do anything to get before you in basically everything, talking shit behind your back pretending to be somebody else. Yes, that happens.

But (everything has the “but” word, of course), you have to have at least a little sense of knowing and seeing what is going on around you, choosing people who you consider as real friends, very wisely. You are doing this for yourself and for your future. I know that you don’t really wanna get hurt…who willingly wants to?

You know the answer.

N.

P.s: Even if the picture is smeared, it shows exactly my point- don’t be blind in choosing people, who you want to stand by your side, have a clear vision of what you want.