Cloudy Friday and Occasional Numbness

“I’ve been waiting on you, just to say something real…”

Honestly, sometimes I am not a big fan of Fridays. But listen, don’t scorch me on the stake yet. It is most of the time when I have to stay in this little town, all alone, sitting in my room staring to the wall or to the computer because there is nothing better to do. But I also think that this “phase” is just some kind of autumn mood. Or maybe not. I didn’t really want to give away some of my thoughts lately because it would be still the same I guess, numbness filled up with no time.

Stereotypical Friday in this case, walking, to make it to the very very first lesson at university, while there’s still “dark” outside and coming back home under the drape of darkness again. A long day that didn’t really tell me nothing. No progress, no mood at the end of the day, even though the day was quite decent. I am having those states of mind from time to time, but maybe it’s just because it was a year a few days ago when I started to feel the way I still sometimes feel. Sometimes the nostalgic shitty stuff catch your feet for a few minutes and you catch yourself reminiscing and playing those memories in your head. But enough of this bullshit, it will never happen again. Grow up.
Saying “so what” really frees you, just have to brace yourself and go through it.

Today was the day, that maybe most of you experience from time to time- She came to see me and we started to talk. She was brief -The day when you’re walking home, feeling numb after the day and even your shoes seem to be really heavy, and we are not talking about your head completely filled up with thoughts. Seeing a young couple saying goodbye at the bus stop, realizing that you miss a ordinary hug from him. Simple as that. Missing a normal talk with him. Missing the warm feeling that you can actually really feel.
When he doesn’t even care that you two are not talking at all, just when necessary. That’s the thing that flies through your head more often in last few weeks. You know, trying to convince yourself that there will be no harm if you just make yourself to finally ask it when you know that it lays in your stomach for some time now.

Conscience:
Why are you still so fucking scared to ask a simple thing?
You want him to ask you something real?
Do it then?

Still no progress even though you were laying next to him at night, you cried because you were such a coward and you didn’t do it…and I note- again.

C:
Are you scared of the answer then?
Tell me.

Shit happens.

There are things you can talk about over text, but this is not one of them I guess. Time is slowly sprawling and one month flied away and there are still untold things hanging in vacuum like nothing happened.
I think it is not the best thing to do.

Sometimes it hurts when you don’t know what to do. There are things that take away your sanity during lonely nights and you are too tired to deal with them, so you go back to sleep.

The dark place is spinning and the curtain is falling onto the ground.

There is nothing left to say just- we will see. 

N.

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Inevitable individuality of the well known character

Introduction?
Not needed this time.
I am sure you can relate.

Well there will always be one thing that will tear us all apart (in a good way mostly)- and that thing is  called individuality. I know, I know, the regular talk about being different and people are supposed to be themselves and stuff…yea I know that and I am sure you know that too.
It has always seemed weird for me, that people wanted to be somebody else than themselves and tried to act like someone who is their role model or a pop star or just a older cool girl living next door.
Like, honestly? We all did it, even though you won’t admit it, you did.
When you are aging and  trying to find your identity, trying to create your own opinions, settle at that one point that will suit you, making a nest full of your things and your life- long story short – creating your own state of mind that will indicate it’s yours and anyone else.

There will be times when people will not particularly understand you and you will feel the freaking feeling of misapprehension. But you have to understand, that not everyone understands how your mind works, like basically nobody gets that, maybe just you. Maybe you will discover that one missing piece of you who will totally get you, your mind twists and stuff like that, but that’s just a mystery for now.

The question will still remain:
,,Why don’t you believe in things and opinions of other people?”
Answer:
,,Because I do have mine and they don’t really have to be the same as yours.”
Why?
,,Because I am allowed to have different opinion than you. That’s it.”

People may not get why are you worried all the time, or why are you scared of certain things. They will think you are weak- minded and that you are such a weak person in general because, those things makes you weak, right? You are allowing fear to get into your system and it ends up with some shit happening. Well yea, but actually sometimes being worried doesn’t show your weakness, just that you care a lot with a passion burning like a fire.

Sometimes you will laugh on things that may not be funny for other people and they will look at you like “wtf is this girl laughing at? she’s weird…” and you will laugh on the stupidest things ever, because that’s you and that awkward silence in front of you may make you a little bit more self- conscious.

At some point of your life you will figure out that you are a extroverted introvert.  One day it’s okay and the another it’s not. There is no intention to hurt somebody, it just happens from time to time and nobody’s planning on it because plot twist– people like that still exist.
Some people will try to convince you that your big heart and goodwill are something poisonous, that those things are just a simple weaknesses for you and that’s why there is something wrong with you? And what about your quirkiness? Did they tell you it’s a flaw? Nah, it’s not- you are not counting their flaws  either so why the hell would you listen to somebody who does?

I know you are just having the best intentions. You may not always looked like that on the first sight but inside…it is something completely different. At least some people have said that before. It is always different once you get to know the person a little better.

You have to remember that some people won’t see the best in you– they will call you names, they will let you down, they will betray you, but there is a secret that a lot of people know and went through- some of them will. 

That’s one of the most valuable happening.

So, do you know yourself well?

N.

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Attempt to create an effort to leave my skeptic feature chained to the radiator

“She was right.
She never looked nice.
She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.”

I was reading this book yesterday and I caught myself smiling a little while reading some parts. I don’t read books anymore (at least not that frequent as I used to) not that I don’t want to, but mostly because I have no time. What is sad because I did read a lot in the past- I remember my teachers at high school, they used to take my books because I was reading during lessons. Well, I was always hungry for the real end of the story, you can’t blame me!
SO, as I was saying, I was reading this sentences over and over again and I was really thinking about it and trying to connect it to the real world (as I always do), to something that is happening in my world and I am realizing it but it’s not that visible. Maybe just till now.

While in relationship, people tend to look at the outside shell as the most important thing in the whole unit. Okay, the wave of critique is here- yes, I know, in today’s society it’s so freaking important- how do you look, what do you wear, if yo are wearing the famous brands etc etc (so many unimportant things at some point…), it is a little reversed happening now. Well that’s happening everywhere dears, nothing new. The inside world does play a role in this game for two, but only after some time, I’d say.
But what I wanted to really say is, that when you feel something, that is the one important thing here. You look at that other person and you know: Oh my, it is so amazing having you in my life…And maybe it’s just for a moment and  it’s over in another second, but you know it is so good and you felt it, so like a bonus point is still here. You felt it and that is what plays the most important role here.

Sometimes I tend to think that every single happening like this, is temporary and it won’t last long enough for me to be happy for some prolonged period of time. Yes, you saved me from my darkest demons, for now, but what about later when I fall down that rabbit hole again? It is supposed to be all temporary because that’s how life works, unfortunately. But, I am living for those minutes, for the happiness, for the time I am spending with you because I know that someday it will be over and I don’t want to regret not doing or not saying something that I really wanted, even though the truth is I don’t always hear it back, because that’s the way you are and I have to respect that.

It is about the little moments and there is a need to enjoy them while they last.

Most of the times, it’s not about being romantic af all the time (you know, but sometimes you can be), but about being real. I mean, being real can be defined as- adult stuff- being honest with each other, having conversations of, I dunno- of a deeper character , taking care of each other, listen to each other when the one has something important to say…it all takes time to learn how to cooperate all of tis into one healthy relationship that would suit to both.

I really wanna come to that level in my life, when I am not afraid of loosing anyone again.The day when I become heartless and won’t really let anyone to step into my comfort zone, will just come.

But for now, I am too young and  too kind hearted for that.

We will see.

N.

P.s: Take the other party for a walk, that’s a good start.

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Love hard when there is love to be had

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about feelings of love, what it means to me and why the hell I am still here after that shit load of disappointment I’ve been through. I mean, why do I still believe in this kind of happening in humans life?

Let’s say, everybody wants to be happy, right? Nobody wants to look over his/hers shoulder and realize that, hmm okay I wasted my life with being alone and now when the end is near- nobody stands by my side because I have never really let somebody to come closer to my heart.
If you wanna know, this also happens, but it’s rare, because so many people do this- if they are aware that they won’t find anybody else, even though they are not really satisfied with their current partner, they’d stay with him/her because they know they won’t find anybody else. You see?- they are doing this just because they don’t wanna be alone and after some time they’ll simply get used to that. Well, todays world, shoot me for being right.

I’ve been thinking about so many things connected to all of this- how I want to love, why I want to love the way I want to love, what I need to learn to love the way I wanna love, who I really need to become if I wanna receive some similar kind of love I am prepared to give…I told you, soo many things here.
When I sat down, tried to break it into one sequence, or one circle, I got this: Before my last days aka before I die, I wanna know a lot about the other person. I wanna know his hiding place/places, where he is hiding all of his secrets, memorable things, every single solitude, every single prayer he does while something is fucked up…because I want to be absolutely sure that I’ll keep it safe. I know I will keep it safe.
Because this is all about happiness for the other party and hope for a better tomorrow.

Once ,I’ve read somewhere something interesting about happiness. So let me make a little interpretation – Happiness happens during the hottest night of the summer, when you can’t even breathe and slowly going to bed, where you can’t even wear a T-shirt and have to sleep on the top of the sheets not under them. Feeling so tired, you just wanna fall asleep right that minute, but the sleep is not in the menu right away, but hell- the heat is so unbearable.
Finally, at some point of the night, so so late, just a few minutes before dawn, the heat breaks into a cool night full of secrets and unsaid things. You wake up for a second or two, feeling so chilled out, but groggy af, turn on the other side with sheets warm enough to cover up your tired body and fall asleep again. And this is it- this gesture- when you pull something over you, whether it’s something or someone – the feeling you’ll get when you really do it, feeling of safety and being prepared to sleep again. Yes, that’s happiness.

You know, he is not perfect, but the things is, I am not perfect either and we will never be. But the ability of making a person laugh and remind them of a really good feeling that is worth is something that not everybody is able to create for you. If he admits that he is just a human a he makes mistakes, hold onto him as long as you can. I am sure he is not going to have anything to do with poetry as you sometimes do, he will never be thinking about every moment like you do, but one of the most important things is, that he will give you a part of him that you will be able to break. Don’t try to change him, not because he is old enough to be changed, but he has his ups and downs like you do and you have to respect that. Lastly, don’t expect more than he can give. I know you are the one who analyzes a lot, you should stop at this point. Smile when you are happy that you are near him and he made that smile shine and miss him when he is not with you at that one moment.
You don’t even know how many people want this –  love hard when there is someone to love, when there is love to be had. 
Perfect people don’t exist, and if you are not already with him/her, I am sure the perfect one for you is waiting there- take your time, no worries he/she will wait for you.

Hope.

N.

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I’d rather let it be, for now . .

Have you ever really wanted to ask something, but you weren’t sure if you want to know the answer or if your heart would handle the answer?

Well, sometimes I really want to ask you something, but I am not sure how you’d react. And if you would, I don’t know if the answer would be the one I am waiting for.

I just catch myself thinking about it and simply daring like 10 minutes to ask, but after I rather pass, let you fall asleep without asking and tell myself that “next time”.

Even though it looks like we are out of the woods, I am still a little scared to talk.

But it’s getting better and better.
Every time.
I can see it.

So, we will see.

N. 

P.s: You are the one who knows the best, that falling asleep with a crushed mood is not a good idea.

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