Cloudy Friday and Occasional Numbness

“I’ve been waiting on you, just to say something real…”

Honestly, sometimes I am not a big fan of Fridays. But listen, don’t scorch me on the stake yet. It is most of the time when I have to stay in this little town, all alone, sitting in my room staring to the wall or to the computer because there is nothing better to do. But I also think that this “phase” is just some kind of autumn mood. Or maybe not. I didn’t really want to give away some of my thoughts lately because it would be still the same I guess, numbness filled up with no time.

Stereotypical Friday in this case, walking, to make it to the very very first lesson at university, while there’s still “dark” outside and coming back home under the drape of darkness again. A long day that didn’t really tell me nothing. No progress, no mood at the end of the day, even though the day was quite decent. I am having those states of mind from time to time, but maybe it’s just because it was a year a few days ago when I started to feel the way I still sometimes feel. Sometimes the nostalgic shitty stuff catch your feet for a few minutes and you catch yourself reminiscing and playing those memories in your head. But enough of this bullshit, it will never happen again. Grow up.
Saying “so what” really frees you, just have to brace yourself and go through it.

Today was the day, that maybe most of you experience from time to time- She came to see me and we started to talk. She was brief -The day when you’re walking home, feeling numb after the day and even your shoes seem to be really heavy, and we are not talking about your head completely filled up with thoughts. Seeing a young couple saying goodbye at the bus stop, realizing that you miss a ordinary hug from him. Simple as that. Missing a normal talk with him. Missing the warm feeling that you can actually really feel.
When he doesn’t even care that you two are not talking at all, just when necessary. That’s the thing that flies through your head more often in last few weeks. You know, trying to convince yourself that there will be no harm if you just make yourself to finally ask it when you know that it lays in your stomach for some time now.

Conscience:
Why are you still so fucking scared to ask a simple thing?
You want him to ask you something real?
Do it then?

Still no progress even though you were laying next to him at night, you cried because you were such a coward and you didn’t do it…and I note- again.

C:
Are you scared of the answer then?
Tell me.

Shit happens.

There are things you can talk about over text, but this is not one of them I guess. Time is slowly sprawling and one month flied away and there are still untold things hanging in vacuum like nothing happened.
I think it is not the best thing to do.

Sometimes it hurts when you don’t know what to do. There are things that take away your sanity during lonely nights and you are too tired to deal with them, so you go back to sleep.

The dark place is spinning and the curtain is falling onto the ground.

There is nothing left to say just- we will see. 

N.

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