Collapse in Suburbia

Let’s start from the beginning of my end.

Honestly, lately I’ve been really struggling with my mental health. And I am not saying it for you to pity me, it’s just a fact. I’ve stopped feeling happy in life, do things that I used to do everyday, stopped sleeping, eating propperly…I’ve stopped enjoying what life has to offer.

I am tired of having panic attacks everytime over a minor thing that stresses me out. I can’t deal with the endless pressure on my chest because anxiety is overwhelming my body on the scariest level possible. I am constantly in mental pain over it because inside of me I know it is not normal, it is not a way that a life should be lived.

I am saying this to you because it is my only option, I guess. Not to be harsh or anything but nobody would understand propperly if I said it out loud. Not because people are not able to understand, but if they never experienced it, then they would not be able to have a propper conversation about those stuggles with me. And I don’t want to confuse them more than they might be.

I decided to stop telling people that I am depressed. Since people are people and they have their own life and own problems, I just can’t put my shit on their shoulders and expect them to carry it all with them. That is just selfish and I should have realized that ages ago. It is simply not fair from me to want them to deal with it when I don’t even know how to deal with it on my own.


The one thing that maybe bothers me the most is that I’ve stopped doing things that make me feel alive.

I’ve stopped writing.

Drawing (even though I was not that good but I enjoyed it in my free time)

Taking pictures.

The only thing that I do nowadays is just listening to sad music and not doing anything progressive. I feel like there is this big hole inside of me that I don’t know how to fix. Simply said- there is something missing. And I know that it might be the purpose of life itself.

What is worse, I don’t know if I will ever be able to find it. At least I’ve been thinking about that lately.

I am 22 now and I still do not know what I want to do in life because I don’t feel like I am “excelling” at anything, that I am not good enough to proceed a carrier in anything that might fulfill me. I am just wandering around without any obtainable destination. I don’t know where I want to go because I have no energy to even think about it.

Sometimes I am asking myself if I should reach out to some guidance but from my past attempts I know that there is nobody who should fix you, be your hero- because you have to be your own hero at the end of the day. And that will never change.

So I am just blindly going in circles and really really struggling with my own sanity and thoughts that are most of the times able to mentally kill me for the majority of the day. Sometimes I get so sad out of the sudden because I read a quote I can relate to or see a picture that remind me certain stuff…as a result- I am emotionally unstable as hell. And the worst part? I realize that on every single level.

Do you think that the oblivious state or mind would be better in this case? Or is it better to be aware?

Anyway, this was a little venting session that I just needed because I don’t feel like talking about it to people without destroying them entirely. I just can’t do that anymore. I am sorry.

I had to get it out and I might focus on the various things I mentioned in greater detail later on.




Who we truly are

It is unbelievable how many people are trying to pretend that they are somebody else.

Like they are pretending that thoughts in their head are being managed by somebody totally different. Just like somebody else just took over their head on their command. The same “somebody else” who fears on behalf of them, someone who takes over everything, who spins all the doubts in their head like over a thousand times a day. Someone who repeats that one mistake all over again for them, while swearing it as the last time now.

What do they get from it?
Is it like a some kind of twisted pleasure?
Or is it just a sweet feeling?
To die while you are still alive.

What really interests me, when will I ever give up on talking and writing. I will not explain things to those who do not understand and those who do I have nothing to say to.
And yet, I am still trying, like a fool.

Just a habit…habit, habit, habit- repeating itself.


WEEK 8, Part 1- The Half Survival of my iPhone Under the Water and Late to Work for the FIRST Time – STORY TIME 2/4 (Summer experience in Germany)





Previously in WEEK 7: I was under the impression that everything is gone…all the pictures from Germany, all the blogs I have pre-written…other more than 1000 pictures…I was devastated, I had a big part of my life there.
Everything became dark.
That is the reason I have no more new pictures for you and I am so so sorry but that is the truth, but…


I woke up on Monday and I was still very sad, thought that I really lost everything, so after work I decided to turn it on. I was pretty nervous, shaking and on the edge with tears but I was on a call with my dear and he pushed me to do it and assured me that it will 100% work. He was actually a big help in this and I wanna thank him that he did not freak out with me and had his calm mode on.
So, I manned up and said to myself a magical sentence- “You’re gonna survive this”, and I picked it out from the rice bowl and pushed the on/off button.
Imagine me in shock finding out that I just touched the button and it lighted up. First thought was like fuck yea it survived!! But then I was like wait, how come it is “on” immediately without the whole process of turning on? Was it possible that I did not turn it off properly?
Well anyway, the next thing that made me tear up was the screen, because it was “under the water”. It was half smeared with water and different shades of colors, so I started to cry partly out of relieve and partly because I was still unsure. Like, I know that I am maybe doing a big deal out of it (which I 100% am), but I was in a foreign country, wanted to absorb everything through pictures and suddenly I was not able to do it. After a better analyze I figured out that the camera is dead and is not working at all. Firstly it was just smeared as hell but after like an hour it went completely blank, as well as the light function. First thing I’ve done was that I quickly transfered every single picture to the USB I had there with me, as well as all the pre-written blogs and everything that might come in handy. Jacks and charging fortunately survived (yasss!!!) and another good thing was that the phone after about 3 days almost fully dried off, so I was really happy at least for this.

This was a perfect example of a “blessing in disguise“-  it worked for everything, but one of the most important things on it was dead.
The only thing I can say is, shit happens, I guess.
Now, even though I have like literally no pockets on my trousers, I always double check if I have something in those non existent pockets, just in case.


In the Week 8, I decided to make a little stop (again) and make it a PART 1 and PART 2 because those two last weeks were like packed with happenings. No pictures, but at least a story time!!



Another surprising thing that happened was that for almost 2 months of waking up to work at the same time, we came late to work, for the first time. But it was not just like an ordinary “oversleeping situation”, but kind of a big trouble.

So, since a lot of people left back to our country as I mentioned in WEEK 7, a lot of rooms were empty and M decided that he wants to sleep in one of them to finally have a decent sleep at least for a night or two.
The thing was that he was living in a room with two other guys and spared the door with other 6 people in the next room. Like 90% of the House were waking up more than 2 hours earlier than him and they always woke him up literally in the middle of the night. That’s why he was happy that he can sleep somewhere else even though the end of our trip was almost at the end. He only brought his pc, pyjamas and breakfast with him and …read for yourself ↓

The morning came and I usually wake up two hours earlier before we were leaving, so I washed my hair, had breakfast, coffee, made myself a decent looking human being and right when we were supposed to leave I open my door to see M standing in the hall, in pyjamas with a phone on his ear speaking something about locked door…I was immediately like fuck no. So it turned out that his roommates locked him out from their room and he did not bring any clothes no keys, no ID or backpack with him, so that was kind of a problem because he couldn’t go to work in PJ’s.

Well long story short, we were screwed because I was the only other (living) person in the House, I had to help him. I was angry as hell and started to run on my Metro because I was kinda late (as usual).

It was then 7:07 am.
On my way to the Metro I called L and explained the whole situation to her and asked her to reach out to K (M’s roomie) because, as we figured, he was the one who locked the door, had the key and at the same time he was closest to the House. I texted with him in Metro and he told me he will be waiting on me at the station so he can give me keys.
I was like “Can you come to the station? Like won’t it be a trouble?” and he was like “Yea, might be a trouble but what can I do?”
I finally came to his station, it was like 7:33 am and he just handed me the keys said that he was sorry for maybe 4th time and I immediately jumped on a Metro that was coming back to the House.
I arrived at the house approximately at 7:50 am and we were supposed to be at work at 8 am.
M got dressed, I was still kinda pissed at the whole situation because I fucking hate being late! I do that from time to time but just to let you know I really hate myself for that. Our next Metro was leaving at 8:11 am and the whole ride to work we were trying to figure out what are we gonna say to the boss but at the end just told the truth.

When we arrived at work it was, I guess, 8:40 am and our boss was already waiting for us, a little scared, but as soon as she saw us she was kinda relieved and happy to see us. There was no problem with coming late, since we explained what happened.

There you go guys, those were only 2 stories that happened during the WEEK 8 and there are 2 more!!

Have a little patience with me please, I know I did not post for a while but the truth is, that my heart somehow did not want it to end that quickly. You see.

Thank you for reading my journey, because this is really happening- only two more episodes till the very end.



WEEK 3- Embarrassed in Gallery of Abstract Art, Saturday treat and First Goodbyes (Summer experience in Germany)

And we are back in WEEK 3.

Part I.

We started this week (or finished this day) with a peaceful run in the park. We were trying to succeed in this program called Hit. It was a type of run when you have to run for e.g 20 seconds (it is up to you) on the top of your strength then have a 2 minutes long pause and then repeat for 8 times.Honestly, after the run I felt okay, but what came a day after…I am sure I don’t have to explain.
Long story short- My muscles were dead. But I had to go on, you know, work and stuff.

Anyway, I was trying to survive another week in this month like usual. On Wednesday I was just lurking around while I was on my lunch break and found this amazingly looking comfy red couch, so as much as I wanted to go back to work, I had to try it on! So  it basically became my hiding place. I was always trying to finish up a little bit early  so I could lay on it and chill for a fee minutes before I had to go back.



Those Fridays are not the happiest days because the feeling, that on Saturday you have to wake up even earlier than usual,  is just depressing. But yea – more money, that is and always will be a good motivation for a poor student like I am. On Saturday we were usually cleaning offices and I saw this cabinet full of these funny stickers, see for yourself:


What was weird, it actually looked like my handwriting and I swear to God I had nothing to do with it!

When we finally came home after groceries shopping (endless nightmare), I made the washing machine to accept my stinky socks (and stinky socks of other people) and washed my clothes with iPod in my ears, coffee in my left hand and cigarette in the right hand. I sat in front of the house and just enjoyed the music and at last chilled after a week of working. Then I went to eat the best Saturday treat- waffles!! L makes the most delicious waffles (shout out to the cook!!) and after that we just sat down and watched series on L’s PC. What is the best relax? This totally was!



Part II.

It became a habit that we were having this little “celebration” of the end of the working days. So we sat down in front of the house and chilled with wine and all kinds of alcohol in our hands, just talking, listening to music and basically just blowing off the steam from the whole week.
Yea, as a matter of fact, the party had gone for so long and I was kind of tired, so I went to my room to check out if somebody is sleeping there or not.
I am not sure if I told you in previous parts- I had these another roommates. We were all girls there so it was fine to get along.
This Saturday night I came to the room and one of them, Lena, was still awake, sitting on her bed not being able to fall asleep. We didn’t really talk before just some basic stuff or just lazy talk or chit chat etc., but now we started to talk and talked for more than 2 hours. From funny things, through slandering people to the deep stuff. I felt like we got somehow closer, I realized we have so much in common and went through a few similar (and tough) happenings. I was glad that I got to know this girl so freaking much, even though I don’t know if we are gonna see each other anytime soon because she left early for the college interview in Denmark (and she freaking got in!!). I remember the day when she was leaving- I was heading to work at 7 am and she was leaving that exact day but at 3 pm and as I was packing my last things at 6:50 she woke up and with an adorable smile she climbed down the double decker bed and hugged me goodbye. We were standing for a few seconds and when my eyes started to moisten, I let her go, took my stuff and left.
This one is for you dear- I want to dedicate this piece to you because I feel like we had this instant connection even though we spent such a little time together and you know that this does not happen very often (at least with me). I think that our room sharing was an opportunity to get to know such a lovely and kind person and I have a feeling it came to us in the right time. Such a shame you had to leave, but there are better things out there for you, than Germany. The best is yet to come, you are an explorer, you won’t get lost in this big world, I am sure. SO don’t you worry child, everything is gonna be better, because (I said so) you deserve it. Thank you so much for you being you, I am so proud of you, you fart-laugh ♥

But let’s just come back a few days back, when we went to Art Gallery- Brandhorst together.

On the Sunday morning (12:30 pm) when I finally unsealed my eyes after this weird night full of drunk people, we were still not sure where to go that day because it was  kinda rainy outside and not even so hot, as you would expect on July. So we dressed up and done all the girly stuff and went to Metro station. Even there we did not really know where we were going. Strange? Here not.
So while underground we found this gallery of abstract art on the Internet. We came out of the station and, as usual, was not sure which way to go. But hand in hand with Google maps we finally made it there!
Honestly, the art was breathtaking! It was full of emotions and I saw so many worlds in all of the paintings…
But on the funny note- As much as I am weird and you know that I love emrbracing my weirdness – I wanted to sniff one of the paintings just for my personal satisfaction and suddenly the alarm started beeping like crazy. The security came to me, told me that I was too close to the painting and I should step away because it is forbidden to be this close. I was so embarrassed you can’t even imagine. And did I mention we were all forbidden to take pictures? Guess who was not stopped by it?
This woman.
(But yea, the security almost escorted me out when I was exposed with a camera in my hand and  (again) embarrassed look on my face)
But anyway I will let you enjoy the pieces of art itself.

Imagine me trying to take picture of this with 2 security guys in the room- just hilarious.

 Personally, my favorite one ♥ (I actually tried to sniff this one!!)

The Roses ↓


These three paintings just made me stand there and stare like an idiot because they were too beautiful for me to handle it like a normal person. Here I took a picture of the explanation of them:

This is how the gallery looked like.


UFOs everywhere.

Some streets of Munich are just too beautiful to not take a picture of.

This week was like too long, but while here, I wanted to see as much as possible. You’ll see for yourself, but till then…

See you next week (4)


Night night

Sometimes I am asking myself- “Is this really all I can get from you? Is this really everything? A cold shoulder?”To be honest with you, the feeling of not being wanted (enough) is one of the worst ones in life. 

Those are the thoughts that keep you awake at night, even though you want to sleep so badly.

But then you turn on the other side of the bed and there are the little things in your head, suddenly appearing in your mind, just out of the blue- like a kiss of your hand just before sleep or a good laugh about some unimportant shit…the mutual understanding at some point or even a slightly interesting topic of a conversation still make you believe in a better future of yours.

And that one still make you smile, admit it.

Then you turn back and see the back of his, facing you in a innocent state of deep sleep, and you know that there will be a new sunrise tomorrow. At least you don’t have to be insecure about this one.