Night night

Sometimes I am asking myself- “Is this really all I can get from you? Is this really everything? A cold shoulder?”To be honest with you, the feeling of not being wanted (enough) is one of the worst ones in life. 

Those are the thoughts that keep you awake at night, even though you want to sleep so badly.

But then you turn on the other side of the bed and there are the little things in your head, suddenly appearing in your mind, just out of the blue- like a kiss of your hand just before sleep or a good laugh about some unimportant shit…the mutual understanding at some point or even a slightly interesting topic of a conversation still make you believe in a better future of yours.

And that one still make you smile, admit it.

Then you turn back and see the back of his, facing you in a innocent state of deep sleep, and you know that there will be a new sunrise tomorrow. At least you don’t have to be insecure about this one. 

Okay? 

Okay. 

N.

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Stability

She finally got a question she wanted. He asked her what can he give her that she never ever got before.

“Stability.” – was her response.

“If you want to give me something, that I have never got from anyone else, please, do not give me mixed signals and miscellaneous feelings, because of which I am gonna be just insecure and nervous. I am tired of being insecure. If you want to be with me, you simply have to stay here by my side. All I need here is feeling stable.

C.B.

The Domino Effect

&.&.&

Once upon a time, there was this void hiding in understanding. I was answering one question after another and gradually digressing from one phenomenon to other one, as well as unfolding the chain of happenings.

I was revealing the sandy desert with a small brush so that I won’t destroy the reality hiding under it. I found peace in every single reality, the perfect equilibrium in each detail that was being present.

The more human I am, the less I feel. The more I see behind the curtain, the less I am interested in the drama. Now I know why and more importantly, I know what – the thing is that there is no drama performed in this colossal and messy theatre. Just a sad play and I am the invulnerable spectator.

The particular sense is fake, the reality is just a total nonsense. We are all just a result of domino effect, one small brick in the middle of an enormous paragon. Equally important as well as insignificant like all the others. Just an emptiness of the purpose with the definition of nothing. The eternal darkness, windless setting, zero gravity.

So I have come this far just to realize that there is no other way? I am standing just one step in front of the emptiness and before I make the next move, I have to know what exactly I want to see.

And I don’t know it.

Yet.

The Instant Photographer.

N.

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