The Domino Effect

&.&.&

Once upon a time, there was this void hiding in understanding. I was answering one question after another and gradually digressing from one phenomenon to other one, as well as unfolding the chain of happenings.

I was revealing the sandy desert with a small brush so that I won’t destroy the reality hiding under it. I found peace in every single reality, the perfect equilibrium in each detail that was being present.

The more human I am, the less I feel. The more I see behind the curtain, the less I am interested in the drama. Now I know why and more importantly, I know what – the thing is that there is no drama performed in this colossal and messy theatre. Just a sad play and I am the invulnerable spectator.

The particular sense is fake, the reality is just a total nonsense. We are all just a result of domino effect, one small brick in the middle of an enormous paragon. Equally important as well as insignificant like all the others. Just an emptiness of the purpose with the definition of nothing. The eternal darkness, windless setting, zero gravity.

So I have come this far just to realize that there is no other way? I am standing just one step in front of the emptiness and before I make the next move, I have to know what exactly I want to see.

And I don’t know it.

Yet.

The Instant Photographer.

N.

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One of many

“What defines a man is not food, however, but the appetite with which he consumes it”

People are different.

This quote from a piece of art called Walden just reminded me of their portrayal.

One person enjoys every single bite of the meal that they are eating…

…the other just quickly eats up the whole plate because they have to.

One side really enjoy every single second of their life, they value it because it is something precious, but the other one…they just want it to be quickly over.

Sad or true?

Depends.

N.

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“I don’t know my name”

“The only thing that makes sense today is that I want to breathe.”

It is always kinda hard for me to start writing. Eventually I always start to write down my thoughts and it will turn into smooth and logical piece of art (for me), but still a little bit hard from time to time, especially with a day long headache.

Today (actually an hour ago), I was walking home, through the town of pure winter, listening to music. There are days when I just listen to the music and let my mind fly away with the particular beat, but there are also days when I listen to words and just to words and nothing else. I let them talk to me and fill out the missing places in me (at last for a while), because I know that even though everything seems eventually okay (right now), the blank space is still there (at some point). So as I was walking down, listening to the words and I’ve heard this interesting sentence- ,,I don’t know my name”. That’s kind of accurate, because sometimes, I wake up at the morning with an intention to leave everything behind and just pack my shit and leave (I have talked about this issues countless times, I guess) with no intention of a final destination – to get to know me better, to find out where I am heading with my life, what I want to do in like 5 years. I don’t know if that’s normal in my age, not to know those things. If it is normal, please tell me that you are the same because sometimes I am scared I am getting bonkers. Still somehow lost, trying to get found.

Then there’s the time when I always eventually calm myself down with an assurance that people, in general, are not static at all and they will never be. You can always pick which side you want because the world is shifting whether you like it or not and people are “moving” with it. The thing is that if you don’t like the direction you’re heading to, you can simply change it and take another path. It is never too late to shift things into a better direction, because as a matter of fact, people do fuck up, a lot- but as a result, they most of the times leave what is broken to be broken with a knowledge that if they can’t fix it, they can’t fix it. They can’t make it, or be perfect. Nobody is perfect.

The fear is the worst puppet master. People let the fear define them, because as much as they are trying to avoid it, it will still try to overwhelm them even more. The feeling when your heart starts pounding like crazy when you are in the crowd of people or maybe when you have to fight your anxiety to do things that are not comfortable for you. When you feel the fear try not to runaway from it, maybe try to embrace it. Fear is a compass and it will lead your way.

When the feeling of “I don’t know my name” comes to me, I am always trying to instruct myself not to freak out. I might tell myself that there are other milestones to attain in life that I am able to catch in my hand and never let go. Some of those things are already there and they have always been there, I just haven’t seen them yet.

There are so many things I would like to achieve, so many question that I would like to know the answer to and yet don’t have it. But I know that the whole circle called life is still ahead of me and there are so many things that I will manage to do before I leave for good.

And this moment? …It will be just another moment someday.

N.

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When life offers you an adventure, don’t hesitate – PART 2/2

“I’d climb the tree to see the world…”

You don’t even know how accurate is this quote for todays writing. Firstly, maybe before you start reading, sit down and play this:

To Build a Home

Actually it is a “food for thought” kind of music and it always helps me to think while reading or creating something (potentially good blog article maybe?), and yes I am playing it all over again (no, I am not a psycho…also maybe). If you haven’t read the PART 1 of this little trip of mine yet, just read that first so you’d get the right feeling of my little adventure in the middle of a messy semester.

Let me start from the beginning of the second day. It was a morning like other ones, just not in my own bed, but I woke up to an absolute silence in the house. I have always been enchanted by the morning kind of silence, to be completely honest, I have never enjoyed it because I am always waking up as the last one – to a complete mess. But today, I woke up and I was the first one awake. After classic coffee ritual and royal breakfast, we got dressed, hopped into a car and drove for another little adventure. L’s family wanted me to see as much as possible while I am there and guys, you can’t even imagine how thankful I was and still am for the little opportunity to see a few beautiful places I have never been to before.

We drove like 20 minutes by car and today, the weather was completely different. Let me show you-

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Sun is shining, there is no snow anywhere near- like a completely different place, am I right?

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This is the way to our final destination – The lookout at the edge of the forest ↓

But firstly, we had to conquer the forest, which looked a lot like a beautiful autumn. Look:

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Anyway, we got to the Lookout and I was speechless. I have never seen this big Lookout in my life. This one was 24,6m high and believe, it took a few minutes for me to climb that little bastard. So if you are scared of heights I don’t recommend on going there or even look. Or look anyway, but don’t get sick!

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And for this I even laid down on my back at the ground, there are even photos of me taking pics, but trust me, you don’t wanna see it – *laugh*.

And the view?

See for yourself.

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It was very very windy so I didn’t really have much time for staying up there in the clouds for a longer period, but I managed to suck up all the nature to my system and was ready to climb down. The stairs were a little overwhelming but I made it!!
L didn’t want to climb with me, she was (and is) poopy pants because of the phobia of heights- but yes, I can’t say a thing with my phobia of insects. Eww.

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On our way back we managed to stop in this little “back forest” where we saw an old train and benches in the middle of the forest. For me, it was such a lovely stop,even though it was really cold there- the quietness of the forest and good atmosphere- worth it!

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This is from the inside of the train. Another “lookout”.

Well, the ones who made it to the end now know, that I didn’t get to climb a tree as the quote says at the very beginning, but I managed to climb a 24,6 m high Lookout- so that counts a little, huh?
Anyway, I will always be in love with this place, like every single one of the places I have ever put on here, because I always keep making memories by taking pictures.
Sometimes when I can’t sleep at night, I am going through those pictures and reminiscing about all the amazing things that happened on my way there or there or on the way home. Pictures always remind me that yes, I was there and it felt great. Different air, different people- in this case, I got to know an amazing family of my dear dear friend L, I am thankful for every single laugh we share(d) and for all the things that happened, that are happening and that will happen. I am so glad I can have you by my side. So thank you again for this little adventure, hope I will come back someday.

One weird thing is, that weekends are always so short, you just blink twice and it is over and another week full of duties, work, school is here and you are disgusted the minute you lay down to your bed on Sunday night. That’s how I feel right now- not really ready for what is waiting there for me this week.

But maybe, if I´ll go through the pictures one more time, it will feel quite better.

We will see…

N.

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When life offers you an adventure, don’t hesitate – PART 1/2

*Thank you, you know why.*

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written something.

Being engrossed with so many things, people (yes, friends), University, traveling…and most of all – being engrossed with doing things to make myself busy so I don’t have to think. Would you call it a social life? Well, we can try to connect it with that definition.
So, being busy with so many things (which on one side was good but on the other…see for yourself) banned me from writing. Being tired is not the best thing, but being tired from doing things that make you feel at least a little bit alive, then that one is a good kind of exhaustion. At least I guess so.

Anyway, I decided to come back because I genuinely miss this. Even though I am overwhelmed with shit, I still care. I still need to come back because I have a feeling that I am obligated to. Obligated to keep this alive, for me, to remind myself that there is still something left to believe in. I simply have to get all the stuff out of my system, talk and also share wonderful memories and thoughts that I gain while I am not here.

Enough with a chit chat, let’s get to business, shall we?

There comes a time when you just want to see a place about which you are hearing a lot and then you just wanna go because you care. L invited me to the place where she lives and actually I was really happy to go. It was Thursday night and I was laying in the bed thinking about the whole next days traveling and realized that I haven’t been anywhere new in such a long time. I was really really looking forward to it.
So, I packed my stuff and left my hometown. Simple as that.

I always get really hype about new places and as you know, I take a lot of pictures. Be aware, this is going to be a roller coaster full of memories. Remember, you’ve been warned before.

First thing first- this years first SNOW. (yes, I know you can see it in the header picture). Let me introduce you – cold, but beautiful – winter.

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Well, I haven’t seen snow at least a year.
What about you?

As you already know, I am from a country that has every single season (so (sadly?), no America but Europe). As usual, not specifying anything, because this is the person I am, haha.
Casually, wading through the cold mess, trying to blink 3x faster to see at least on my nose (am I exaggerating? nah.) and simply enjoying the nice time with a family that accrued to my heard really fast.

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“Hurry up, we have to leave.”
“Why?”
” I don’t want to end up being eaten up by a giant boar.”

Well, please and thank you.

We came back home and were preparing for later that day, another part of the trip, because why not? There was no time for exhaustion, they wanted me to see as much as possible, since I have never been anywhere near there. Or maybe I was, but I was too young to remember it.

So we sat into the car and drove like 15 minutes away and this happened:

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Believe me or not, this is the same region as I was earlier that day.
The snow is f&#*/ing with us!

I call it: A autumns invasion.

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Lonely bench? Not lonely anymore.

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Then we came to this place. As you know, I am obsessed with old places, but unfortunately I was not let inside. Shame…

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105 stairs…oh my, why me? But guess what, I made it!
(No, you don’t have to clap)

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Yes, black and white session. As usual.

Just now, I decided to split this journey in half. So this was a first day of my journey and if you are interested for another half, stay tuned and surely you will get the second part on… Wednesday.   (?)

No, this is not the end. Be prepared for another time of being shocked by the amount of pictures waiting for you in my drawer.

Let me end like this:

I wanted to say, I am really happy that I got to go and get to know this amazing family and really appreciate the bond they have. Everyday I am trying to find something like this in between people and when I do see this, it always fills me up with joy and hope for a better tomorrow. I am looking around me and trying to appreciate the “present good” because I know that nothing will be the same in…a week? a month? …a year.

See you in few days, until then…

N.

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