It is unbelievable how many people are trying to pretend that they are somebody else.
Like they are pretending that thoughts in their head are being managed by somebody totally different. Just like somebody else just took over their head on their command. The same “somebody else” who fears on behalf of them, someone who takes over everything, who spins all the doubts in their head like over a thousand times a day. Someone who repeats that one mistake all over again for them, while swearing it as the last time now.
What do they get from it?
Is it like a some kind of twisted pleasure?
Or is it just a sweet feeling?
To die while you are still alive.
What really interests me, when will I ever give up on talking and writing. I will not explain things to those who do not understand and those who do I have nothing to say to.
And yet, I am still trying, like a fool.
Just a habit…habit, habit, habit- repeating itself.
Sometimes I am asking myself- “Is this really all I can get from you? Is this really everything? A cold shoulder?”To be honest with you, the feeling of not being wanted (enough) is one of the worst ones in life.
Those are the thoughts that keep you awake at night, even though you want to sleep so badly.
But then you turn on the other side of the bed and there are the little things in your head, suddenly appearing in your mind, just out of the blue- like a kiss of your hand just before sleep or a good laugh about some unimportant shit…the mutual understanding at some point or even a slightly interesting topic of a conversation still make you believe in a better future of yours.
And that one still make you smile, admit it.
Then you turn back and see the back of his, facing you in a innocent state of deep sleep, and you know that there will be a new sunrise tomorrow. At least you don’t have to be insecure about this one.
After a while, the constant presence of smarmy eyes of theirs were starting to become annoying for her.
She had a feeling, that from now, she have to pay attention to every single movement of hers.
To every single glimpse.
Everything seemed to be so so important back then, but in retrospective, and from other point of view, life was so unbelievably unimportant.
She finally got a question she wanted. He asked her what can he give her that she never ever got before.
“Stability.” – was her response.
“If you want to give me something, that I have never got from anyone else, please, do not give me mixed signals and miscellaneous feelings, because of which I am gonna be just insecure and nervous. I am tired of being insecure. If you want to be with me, you simply have to stay here by my side. All I need here is feeling stable.
“Listen carefully to what people are not saying, while analyzing your excessive analyzing in life.
Rather tell them how much they matter to you, not because they won’t be here one day, but because they are here now, with their present silence and their tacit deeds.”