Covid Diary Part 3 – “What is going to happen tomorrow?”

What am I supposed to do, other than clean the apartment, cook lunch and watch the whole Netflix, every day?

Those were my thoughts during the first weeks of quarantine.
I remember waking up in the morning, staring into the wall, being like ” “am I going to be fancy today and finally switch from pajamas into sweatpants?” or “I have not washed my hair in like a week…to wash or not to wash?” or even “am I going to watch 2 or 3 whole series today?” and so on.

I am 100% sure that I am not the only one. The safe haven of bed or couch was something that we all welcomed with opened arms at the very beginning of the pandemic (some of us still do that even today), because our tired bodies and minds craved it. After some time the feeling of being tired got switched to being bored because you finished Netflix and other similar platforms.
There were some rare days when I grabbed the car keys, went to the nearest town (where I worked), bought myself a gas station coffee/ smokes and sat in front of the building where I worked at that time (a small caffe) in a locked car, I drank my coffee in silence, smoked a few cigarettes and went home.
There was nothing to do.
Nowhere to go from there.
Just waiting
and waiting
and waiting
…for the better days to come.

I remember going to buy groceries for the first time in weeks wearing protective mask, over that protective mask I wore a scarf. I also wore glasses ( prescription ones, that I am supposed to wear everyday because I am legally blind *haha*, but since I was a rebel at that time, I used to leave them at home, walking the earth half blind), a beanie (because I have not washed my hair in forever) and a hoodie over my head. I was also wearing gloves and no jewelery, scared to even look at people who were touching baked goods with their “naked” hands. That was the initial feeling of going out to public after some time being hidden behind the walls of our home- being scared to even touch a grocery cart because of germs.
In the store there was literally one empty shelve after another- people started to bake like crazy, there was no flour, no yeast because some morons decided to buy 40-50 pieces and did not care that other people might be interested as well- and that, my friends, lasted for like first 3-4 months.

We lacked disinfection products because of hoarders as well, everything was sold out and nobody knew when the shops, groceries, pharmacies or even e-shops would restock. I remember seeing a video, from groceries where some lady screamed at a grocery employee (fifty shades of disgusting swear words) because she was “sure” that the employee hid some disinfecting products in the back for herself. It was disgusting to watch the poor employee trying to explain that the prodducts were sold out, but the angry lady would not stop yelling. It was horrible to watch. And do not let me start on the disinfection soap- ladies and gentlemen, people started to wash their hands in 2020- wow!!
The only thing that was easy to get were protective masks- people were really nice about it at first, for example villages sewed masks for all the people who needed it (for example where I live, every house got one or two per person according to the number of people living in one house). There were also a lot of tutorials trending over the whole Internet, how to make your own mask at home, using only a sock or whatever, that was also nice and innovative. People tried their best…and I think some of them are still trying.

It was kind of spooky to look around- we have never had any kind of pandemic of this level here, so seeing people with masks, applying hand sanitizer every few minutes, not laughing together, not sitting at caffes, enjoying a hot beverage or meal together…was kind of overwhelming. We all had to adapt to this new world, whether we liked it or not.
It was like the sun was suddenly covered by a heavy grey cloud and the sun have not come out since. Do not take me in a wrong way- there were some good days, I am not saying there were not, but the pressure of the situation was still with us, with a never ending question overstaying its welcome in our minds, rotating day and night- “What is going to happen tomorrow?”

I have never been scared for my own health, since I am still young and if anything happened to me, I would be able to overcome it, but I am living with other much older people and I was scared for them, their health, their life- never mine. I would never forgive myself if something happened to them because of me. I am still till this day trying to protect myself the best I can because the worries never left my body.

At the beginning there was an irrational fear, then there was not and then it was here in a new form again.

Stick around if you want to find out why.

N.

Covid Diary Part 2 – How it all started

“…locked in our castles, waiting for a key or a potion to set us all free.”

Hey there!

Isn’t it strange that we are actually living in a movie Contagion (2011) for almost a year? If you guys did not see it, you should totally watch it because now, we are like the main protagonists of a very long movie, trying to survive whatever comes into our way.
Not that I want to sound depressing that this situation will never end, but a year is a freaking long time and if you are reading from Europe or America or wherever in the world, all of our countries have different levels of madness there, I am sure of that, but we still have the same reality- living with a virus that is not ready to leave us alone.

I actually think a lot about the day it started and I wanted to share it with you, because the way I looked at things, it was literally like cut out of some weird apocalyptic movie. It was a day just like other days, of course there was weird stuff in the news and in the papers previous days, but I was not giving it so much attention, because I thought it was just some exaggeration -per usual.

It happened on 13th March, I was at work, just minding my own business- I was working at a caffe in a small town where I live, I was of course noticing that there were not so many people that day, but I did not really care because there are days and days- one day you have 50 customer and the next you have 20, I was glad I can rest and read some barista book someone left at the counter.

I was dealing with an order of an older couple who came in and simultaneously reading how to make a beautiful coffee art and I suddenly got a call from my boss that something is wrong, that she have seen a lot of police cars from her window at home, that went to this one bar across her street and a lot of people leaving after the police come into the building. She said that she will call me when she knows more.

So I just went on with my work, cleaned the dishes a little, restocked the fridge, but then suddenly I noticed a police car stopping in front of the caffe. We had these big ass windows, so I saw very clearly who came out of the car. The two police men that stepped out I knew personally (I live in a very small town, so it is not so hard to make “connections”- *laughs*, nah, I am just kidding, they are my neighbors), so I thought they are on the break and coming in for some coffee and chill. They came in and I was like “Hey guys, business or pleasure today?” – I smiled and I was truly amused by my horribly awkward joke, but they were not amused at all, which was a first red flag. One of them just leaned on the bar, lowered his voice and asked me why is the caffe still opened, I was like “Is something wrong? What’s up?” And he just said that I have to ask everyone to leave and close the caffe or else my boss will get a huge fine for not respecting the decree – the covid virus is getting out of control and all cafes’ bars and everything that has nothing to do with groceries, pharmacy or shops essential for living has to close immediately. I just stood there and looked at them like what the fuck? They quickly explained that if the caffe is not closed till noon they have to report it. And then they left.

Once the door closed behind them, I called my boss and she told me with a very sad voice to politely ask the customers to leave immediately and lock up. I did as she asked, people were so nice and they all paid and left in a hurry. I locked up and was waiting for my boss and my colleague to arrive, we cleaned up a little, had a last coffee together, talked for a while and I packed my stuff and I was ready to leave- at that minute I felt that something was ending as well as some kind of tension in my stomach, like I was afraid of going out of the caffe because somewhere deep inside I knew that this is over and something bad is waiting for me once I leave. Yeah, I told you that it felt like a dystopian movie, where very very weird shit was about ho happen.

I went to groceries afterwards to buy some food because I remember that I checked the fridge at the morning and it was lonely, sad and empty. I came to the shop and all I saw was madness- people grabbing food in a hurry, I actually saw some people fight over yeast for baking which made me roll my eyes in disbelief. I was passing empty shelves, like the world was literally ending and we have to hide into our bomb shelters and wait there till the next winter. I am not making fun of the situation, on the contrary, I was terrified, I did not know what to expect in the next days, so I just grabbed what I needed and quickly tried to exit, but my phone started ringing.

I looked at the screen and it was my future mother in law, asking me if I can stop by pharmacy, because they need some meds. I was like no problemo, I can stop by the pharmacy, since I needed some stuff from there as well. The pharmacy was only a few meters away from where I was standing, but as I was looking at my phone I did not notice a huge queue of people and I came to the door and as I wanted to enter, but an old, very unpleasant lady told me to go back into the queue because she was standing there for 10minutes now. I just looked at her like what? Looked over my shoulder and noticed that there are like 10 angry people looking at me very in a very dangerous way, so I just apologized and went to the back of the queue. As I was standing there I had some time to read the online news and as I read article after article, I got more and more scared. After excruciating 25minutes of waiting, I finally got into the pharmacy, where I asked for some meds and I wanted two packages of everything I asked for, but the lady behind the counter told me that she can only give me one package of each, because of the decree from “above”- aka to prevent hoarders to buy 20 packages and other people would not get to buy them. I tried to explain that one is not for me, but she did not really care and told me that I can leave with only one, so I gave up and took the one she offered me.

Afterwards I still had some time, so I went outside and decided to go to another pharmacy to get other meds. As I was walking through town, the whole atmosphere was strange, it was sunny outside, but windy and the wind was very cold and sneaking under the clothes, inside to the bones. Even the weather felt that something is going on. I saw people rushing home, trying to be at least a few meters away from other people walking on the street, they were frowning, what was not that weird- but they were frightened. I came to the other pharmacy and after I walked in, the lady behind the counter told me that they are out of the necessary meds- freaking hoarders got to them first. Long story short, I tried two more pharmacies and finally got everything I needed and I was waiting for my bf to come and pick me up.

He finally came and I sat into the warm car, totally cold as ice, and as we were passing the streets I was just looking out of the window, thinking what the hell I just witnessed…I was just shocked, quite scared and felt a little nervous because I was not sure what to expect in next days…I did not know at that time that a year will pass and I would be writing about it, because it is still going on, locked in our castles, waiting for a key or a potion to set us all free.
Back then it was new and scary- today, it is just scary and I still cannot wrap my head around it, I still somehow wait that I will wake up from this weird dream and everything will be different…but then I am not sure if things would have happened the same if the situation around us was different. Well, what to say…stick around if you want to read more 🙂 (cheesy? yea well, every good story has a sequel)

But for now, let me stop here.

But not for long.

See ya.

N.

Covid Diary Part 1 – This is a process

Do you ever just shotgun your morning coffee and for like 5 minutes have hope that everything is gonna be okay?

~

Then you look out of the window, see the empty streets, only a few people rushing to work, while they still can, and you think about the whole situation, while trying to wake your mind up.

It has really been almost a year since we are locked in our houses and there is not much to do, just to be glad that you still have a job, that you can go to groceries, that you can even go to your own garden a breathe a fresh air that did not come out of anyones lungs at home. Look at it from the other side and for now, be happy for the small things, because even small things might help you hold your head above the water.

Enjoy a beautiful sunset.
Enjoy a good laugh.
Enjoy your favorite meal.
Enjoy small things for once, because not everything has to be big and monumental all the time.

I am a stay-at-home person, I do not really mind staying home because that is just the person I am, I do not suffer because I cannot go out and meet people- I used to have a contact job where I met numerous people every single day and I enjoyed it- the small talks, coffees, the contact in general, but after some time at home I stopped having the urge to go out. Of course, I miss my close circle I used to have, but people are having their own problems and their own life to deal with now and I think it is time to hold on and hope for a better tomorrows, no matter how long we will have to- and that is what is important right now.

I understand that people are depressed because they cannot go out and have fun like they used to, and they do not really want to hear a classic phrase “Just keep a positive mindset!” …sometimes all they need to hear is “Look, I know this fucking sucks right now, but I know you and I know how strong you are and you can push through this!” and man, that is one of the most powerful and calming things you can tell somebody who really needs to hear it.

Have you ever thought about the reasons, why this situation might not be as bad as it seems?

Now you get to spend a little bit time with yourself, deal with your inner demons, calm down, realize things that you were supposed to realize long time ago and focus on you and your mental health, in order to be better and most importantly, feel better with yourself.

Use this time to maybe rediscover something that has been thrown into the corner of your mind and let it fulfill you again.

Rediscover songs that you used to listen to and think about how they make you feel alive again, reminisce about how they made you feel, listen to every word and let it consume you.

Reach out to people you have not been in contact with for some time, because you never know if they are not feeling the same. Talk to one another, be there for each other.

This is a process.
Focus on you.
Enjoy small things.
This is something that may help us reboot our systems.
To realize that we are actually lucky to be here today.
That we are healthy.
That we are still here.
Because so many people do not have that luxury nowadays.

Think about it.

N.

Covid made me do it?

Hello there.

If there is someone out there, who used to be my reader, rest assured I am not dead.
I am still here, alive and kicking, even though one might think after that last post in 2018 that I offed myself or whatever.

Sadly, what is true, I haven’t been writing since 2018 until today.
I have to confess, I totally burned out and I was not able to continue no more.

When I was reading some of my old posts from this blog, to just nostalgically let the memories flow through me, I have noticed that I used to write a freaking lot- I stumbled upon a post where there was a note that it was my 200th post and I was like what the hell?
What to say, I must have been really passionate, to write almost every day.

But why I came here today? I actually do not have a clear idea why I decided to come back.
Out of pure boredom? Nah, I would not say so.
You know, we are living in a covid lockdown for almost a year now. I have been struggling with my hobbies as such since 2018, do not judge me, I have not found anything yet. I suppose writing is still my safety blanket and since I was not able to find anything new, I came back to something I used to do and love.

Should I ask if Covid times made me do it? Probably yes.
Will I continue writing after this one post? I fucking do not know.
Do I want to?

….Yes.

N.