A mandatory option

,,It might be optional, but who knows?”

smoke

When certain things happen you catch yourself being weird. In my case it’s like thinking backwards, reminiscing mostly. Anyway, I was standing in front of my university, smoking like the third cigarette in a row, listening to some old song and then it came to me. I am almost freaking 20 years old and I am getting through some seriously messed up shit, but okay honestly, who doesn’t. Trying to figure out my situation, I started to think about growing up.

It’ s a big paradox, that when we were young (let’s say, that 13-16 y.o), we were desperate to do things that we were not allowed to(maybe supposed to?) do (and now it’s like we are trying to get rid of all the things that are on our plate, well okay that’s so real! 😀 ). First thing first: Sneaking out of the house for a party, being out till the sun comes out, drinking, smoking…whatever- just anything that made us feel rebellious in some way.
I don’t know about you, but I was raised kinda differently and I couldn’t do those “forbidden things”in that age. So most of the time I just listened to all the stuff that happened.I wasn’t really allowed to go out and have fun. But okay, when when the time came and I could, it lasted like one year and then I lost my interest because maybe I got a little older and didn’t need it to last any more longer. I am not saying that I got over it forever, but going out for a party like 3-4 times a week, that’s a lot to take, don’t you think so?
But okay, let’s come back to my point.
We wanted to grow up so quick, to be “the responsible ones”, to be trusted, to do what we wanted, to be “independent”…blah blah blah. So many expectations, beliefs, hopes + pink glasses= some horrible mistakes. Classic math, oh how much I hate it. But still, we all did out “youngster” honest mistakes and I hope that all of you’ve learned from it.

Also if you can’t find yourself in that, I can afford you the “other way home”. I know that there are people who doesn’t really wanna grow up. Wanna stay in their teenage years at least with their mind. Don’t wanna be a skeptic party pooper, but maybe in 5 or 10 of even freaking 15 years the time will come, something will happen and it will change you (forever) and then you’ll realize/know that something inside of you simply moved on. Maybe it will never happen and you will live a oblivious and happy life. Maybe, and maybe not. Maybe you come to me in those 15 years and you will be a completely different person as you were when we met. I don’t know and neither do you.

Anyway, those who wanna grow up fast don’t really realize some things nowadays (maybe we didn’t either…but for me I’m being general now), and I would say, that they are not aware of the real consequences. I see, that people have such a big need to grab all the opportunities they can, they just want to live. Yes, I get that, I am kinda the same. But the thing they don’t really realize is, that they are stepping into the cold.
Growing up sometimes mean, that you have to leave some things behind. And there won’t be just things, you will also leave people, memories, happenings behind, and believe me, sometimes it’s just for a good thing. The times where you learn how to stand on your legs, on your own, in a cold day, completely alone, but still, feeling so strong like never before.

I know that you are not the weak one. If you are determined to do it, don’t hesitate. Grow up if you need to, but stay partly a child if that’s also in need.Take some other alternative from the hundreds of alternatives you have. Do what is comfortable for you, but in the same time, be aware of consequences.

You are the one, who knows the best here, it’s your option.

N.

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Breathe in, breathe out

one. . two. .three. . .breathe in ↔ one. . two. .three. . .breathe out.

Sometimes you get into a situation when you just need to write and write it all down, because the feeling is a lot more stronger than you.

Write about people, write about all the negligible details of some occasion, about situations, memories, hours and hours of talking and stuff. And then something happens and you are not sure if you want to write about them anymore. Because of what? Because you got hurt.

A simple example of human being. Does that ring a bell?

Wake up people, that's life:

∗Where people will screw you over and you won’t even know how it happened because it will come from nowhere.
∗Where you’ll fight with your family for something so ridiculous, you won’t even know how to explain how mad are you, because of some teeny tiny thing and of course for them not getting you, your ideas and thoughts and not appreciating you in a way you would want.
∗Where you will be a witness of things that’ll catch you and hold you tight,so you won’t be able to run away when you’ll gonna watch that one movie of all the thing you don’t really want to happen, but it will happen anyway, because if it’s supposed to happen, it surely will.
∗Where you will blame your presence for what happened in the past. You’ll feel somehow unable to receive and also give it back. Because of the wounds that are still a little teared (I can say that mines are getting better, but yea, who knows…maybe if he is reading this, he knows). Being scared is supernormal and you should have realized that a very long time ago.
∗Where you’ll loose people who meant a world to you. Betrayal, talking shit, faux amis…whatever. Anything can happen. And believe me, when it happens you won’t be ready and it will hurt. Eventually, the wounds will be filled with something new, something else, maybe even better.

People are programmed to not to stay alone. Everybody is searching for something that will give them hope. So...you'll see.

So after this (at least one of those things) you will realize one thing. The thing is, that every single person has a certain past. Sure, you will cry at some point, you will laugh that your lungs won’t be able to work because of that amount of laughter, you’ll embarrass yourself in front of someone who you care about, you will miss people who are not worth of your time, you will feel sorry for all the things you’ve done wrong.

BUT then, you will find your own moment, The moment where none of that what happened matters- and just after this you can sit down comfortably and realize that this stuff happens to people who can handle stuff  and they got so freaking strong from that experience.
And believe me or not, if you went through something similar – you are one of them. Because if you can handle this, then you can handle anything. I don’t know if you know, but people often get into a mental pain which can be sometimes even worse than the physical one. But that’s for some other talk.

Keep this on your mind and remind it someday, when it happens again.

Just breathe deeply and move along, even if this one ⇓, is a dark one, just go.

N.

P.s: Not that dark to be unable to follow the light if it’s in need.

dark path

What?

⇑⇓

raindrops

Sometimes, I am asking myself what the heck is wrong with the universe or at least people. There are days when you are just face – palming yourself, feeling kinda ridiculous, being confused as hell, not knowing from which side you’re gonna get a bullet.

Because when you are trying like a fool, let’s say like a month, not to fail and at the end there is just …nothing! Well, fuck me for being so disappointed in myself and in my abilities to do something. Then that one person comes. who thinks, that after two years of “torture” you’re gonna just go because the person wants that. Oh hell no.

And then there’s the feeling when you are giving everything out and trying your best 3 times in a row, feeling very very ridiculous and at the end you still fail. Tbh, the feeling is something unbelievable. You just sit on your bed shaking your head with a sentence in your head:

,,No, this is not happening. Is this even real?"

It happened. . .10 hours ago and I am still shaking my head.
It maybe won’t even matter in a week, but it matters now and that’s the clue.

Just looking at those raindrops and thinking about the big exhaustion I am going through. Who haven’t been there, can’t say the very opposite.

The new circle of madness is beginning again tomorrow and I don’t even know what’s gonna happen.
And those raindrops won’t say a thing to me.
Don’t you worry about that, the rain will wash it all away.
But what if those raindrops were tears? Have you ever thought about that?

Maybe you should have.

N.

Let’s face it

“One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.”


corners

Today I was reading an article about people in general, behavior and stuff. I’ve read there one interesting sentence: ,,People are scared to face their life, to face the reality.”  So I stopped for a second and realized that it’s kinda true. We are afraid of so many things in our lives, sometimes even without noticing because it’s a part of us.

  • Take this as a example- love. Love will make you feel the best and the worst in your life. Let’s be honest here – who have never gone through breakup? I don’t think I have to question you in this. It will genuinely rip your heart out of your chest when you are able to realize the true value of love, relationship, loyalty and faith which you are supposed to carry in your heart towards your partner. People are afraid of this. Of all of this. They are afraid of the fragility and afraid of the end.
  • Another example – people who really wanna “be the best”. Let me explain. Now I am in the position because I am in the “crowd”. People who are truly scared of their school grades.( I am sorry but everytime I see this, I whisper a silent “what the fuck, oh hell no” sentence.) They are afraid of failing, because they need to do their best, have freaking A’s and outrun everybody…or maybe they just need to do that because they wanna feel the pride of their parents and even pride of their own..whatever. You see, it happens.
  • Example numero tre –  People can’t be where they really wanna be in this minute. They are afraid of time, that it will break their souls and they will never have chance to go where they truly belong, to explore their inner me and just do what they really wanted to do, wherever in the world. They are afraid of not moving from one point to another just because of one or two teeny tiny little things holding them back.

Yea, as we can see, it all happens (and just to be clear, if you found yourself there don’t be scared of reading more, go on) and yes, people have insecurities and they are scared of the pain of loosing. Whether it is the pain of loosing your partner, loosing the good grade or loosing the opportunity to be somewhere where you need to be, it is true.

Tell me, how can you really love somebody or do what makes you happy, when you are still afraid/holding yourself back? You really need to stop doing it, you really need to stop getting so scared.

In fact, pain is a feeling, which you are most afraid to feel. But to make it completely right and alive and kicking, is not to break you and let you fall down, but kick your ass and make you do something. You are supposed to transform this kind of feeling into something progressive- e.g you are feeling fucked up, so you should try to find some way to make yourself feel better, not to make yourself feeling even worse. You should keep that on mind when you have a feeling like you can’t…hmm…when you have a feeling that you just literally can’t. Period.

Because there are  many and many things to be scared about, you can’t imagine how many, it’s very individual. But the real thing is, that even if there are so many things to be scared of, you don’t let them feelings to be one of them.

N.

P.s: Don’t be afraid to face this sky, even if sometimes you don’t really know to which corner you are supposed to go. Believe your instincts.

The place where you belong. . . ?

,,TIME IS A SCARCE STUFF.”


path

Those days when you’re feeling kinda alone.

When you are home all by yourself.

Nobody ⇔ nowhere.

Walking around the place I am supposed to call home, stepping inside of every single room and looking around…reminiscing a few years back, this particular room I am in right now,  was my bedroom, now I live the “next door”.
I was sharing room with my older brother till me being 10 or 12 (?) and him being 15 or 17…hard to know, when you are a person who doesn’t really remember what she had for lunch yesterday. Then, pardon me.
Anyway, I was just stepping inside of the dark room and listening to a silent ticking of the old watch we have for forever. Sitting on a couch, which was bought when they were still together. Seeing so many pictures in my head right now. Him sleeping on the couch, eating peanuts – then switch – us having 16 Christmas in a row – switch – watching TV together – switch – playing cards….switch, switch, switch.
Can’t say that I miss him here, I am too old for that (at least too old to admit it), but still, those are memories and sometimes you miss memories more than the person.
That was the time I wasn’t really seeing the whole truth, honestly I didn’t care (why would I), but there comes an ability to “see and hear” with the proper age.

It all sometimes makes me feel kinda anxious, with a necessity to get the hell out of here for a few days (as I did), but as you know, you are always glad to come home with a feeling that this is your place, a place where you belong even if you don’t admit that in front of yourself sometimes.

You always come back, because as much as I want that, you want to belong somewhere, and don’t say I’m not right, when you know that I am. Everybody wants that. Nobody wants to stay all alone, by herself, in a lonely apartment a few days in a row.

Then, you surely know what to do.

N.

P.s: Even if it’s partly cracked like the path on the photo, but you are still able to fix it. It’s all about your attitude.

Are you one of them?

♦,,Do you ever get that feeling…”♦

fog2

I would like to start now and again.

This is a crazy period, in which I am existing right now.

Do you ever get that feeling when you get some kind of block in your head and it makes you not to do things you’ve been doing for quite a long time?
SO yes, that happened to me, obviously. Because if you are reading this blog, you may have noticed that I wasn’t posting for quite a long time.
Maybe.
Now, I am sitting on my bed, listening to two people fighting in the next room, closing the door with a feeling, that I got to the point where I need to talk again. Turning on the music on 100% and beginning to type.

 I know, if I don’t post, nobody notice at all, because in general- people don’t really care. That is  the feeling you get when you are here for people and care about them, genuinely trying to do your best and that is still not enough. People talking behind your back on you, because you will never be enough for them. They are hungry for your attention at first, there is the time when you are talking like 24/7, then when you talk less but still trying to talk as much as you can, then you talk like 3 times a day, then one time..and the phoof…and you are done. I would call it ,,the circle of todays generation”. Because that’s true.

A lot of people are here just for using others. Okay, I am gonna use him, her and her and him, and when I am done with them, I just simply let them go because they no longer have those things I needed. The person gets what he/she wanted and you are suddenly useless, letting you go with just a smile on their face like – well, see you never again.  And yes, this is really happening. Just silence, nobody’s saying a thing. Silent dealing with things inside of your head. Okay? Are you satisfied?

Still not enough?

Being in relationships where you are not feeling good and warm and however you are feeling…you are just not comfortable. Maybe because you are in that relationship too long or not that long or you are starting a new relationship after a longer time and you just simply don’t know how to behave anymore. You are simply talking to yourself in your head that you just need to go through it and everything’s gonna be better and it will be okay, but inside of your deepest corners, you know that it won’t be. You just need to get more time for your hiding from the one and only truth. Smiling, saying yes, being positive all the time just not to talk about the hideous and uncomfortable topics that you don’t really like to discuss, at least not now. Maybe never.

Being silent and staring out of the window, when they ask you what’s wrong just smile and shake your head that it’s completely okay. Are you sure you wanna reveal your true face to him/her?
Definition: Wearing masks on daily basis.
Unfortunately that is a old/new trend in society.
Having this coverage on your face, mind locked on 3 locks, thinking twice before you say something. What a great acting trick, ladies and gentlemen.
Okay that happens to people who were hurt and don’t really wanna get hurt again. I get that. You also went through something similar in your life, I am sure. So you should get that too.
Saying you are okay, but really you are not, because you can see it in the mirror when you look at yourself at deepest night, and you can really see it.
But…!
Wearing masks, being faux amis ( of course fake friends) and not being loyal, honest…being a two faced bitch…not a good way in your life. Honestly if you choose this way to be yours, you won’t get many warm hugs in life for that. But okay, people will try, they will burn their fingers, they will see, figure stuff out and after that, think twice or three times before they do/say something.

I would say that people really want a big change in the world and people and society, but still refuse to change something about themselves, because they want it now and not in some time.Simple rejection of waiting.It is known- Things need time…everyone need some time to process, admit and freaking do something with their life.Actually, I was watching a very good series today ( Mr. Robot – all over again) and I’ve heard something like this:

He said: ,,Everyday we change the world"..which was a nice thought until I think about it and I am realizing, that everyday we change the world, but to change the world in a way that means anything, it takes more time than most people have. It never happens in one, it's slow, it's exhausting. Something we don't have the stomach for.

I am not giving you any resolutions or conclusions or positive endings today because it’s not an option in this topic, I am sorry but it’s not. People who will read this till the end and will read about themselves, they will see and at the end they will understand. I am not saying that they will realize everything after reading this, but eventually they will. Everyone will, when their time will come.

To be quite honest, I am exhausted. I feel the bitterness in my head, and having a feeling that I need to talk again. To get it all out and let it here, let it all go.

And the last thing.
Sometimes you should look over your shoulder, maybe you’ll recognize those people…or maybe you are one of them.

N.

P.s: Maybe they are hiding in the fog, be careful.