Sticking my tongue out, against this fragile system

Α&Ω

Yesterday.
Midnight.
Kinda exhausted, I was reading my favorite novel book again and thought that maybe it’s time to talk again a little bit more.

I was walking to university this morning, while the sky was literally crying its eyes out, under the umbrella the new idea germinated. How and why? My friend texted me on her way home from uni, she was listening to this one sad song and literally started to cry. To be completely honest with you, I thought that only I do those things. But yes, that’s for some other topic.
This is why I started to think about it, about fragility. Fragility is individual. Every single one of you have your own fragility whether visible or not.

I don’t know what is it with some people, when others are talking about being fragile. Some of them are embarrassed of that. Why? Nowadays it is considered as a weakness (of course for some people, not for everyone) to show your fragility, to show something that is supposed to be hidden, according to them.
(By the way, crying your eyes out is not “modern”, but we all still do it anyway from time to time, don’t lie to yourself.)
Some of them are just angry because of that, because of them showing their weakness is something unacceptable. According to them, the world is full of that, filled with visible fragility. Maybe not particularly a “mean anger” but at the end, anger with a good intentions? Do you know what I mean?

Fragility doesn’t always mean to be “naked” in front of the world. You are able to be fragile on the inside and be strong on the outside, in front of them. Not a easy task, but if you think about it, then humans are creatures able to do anything if they really want….Able to destroy somebody’s fragile world with even a few words. Surely.

Personally, I do feel mine. I feel it everyday, but I am not showing it to the world, not showing it to many people, because I don’t feel like talking about it. I am scared of people, actually a lot than I thought before. Well, fragility of a friendship makes me nervous, because people let you down and let you emotional world fly away for a very long vacation, not willing to come back that easily.
People can be (and are) emotional as much as they feel like to be. Being hurt by others is kinda a common topic. (At least mine). But if you read this blog regularly, you know then, that I’ve been talking about that a lot.

Once he told me, that it’s nice that I write, that I have this space for me to “play”, but with no.. hmm how to say,…with no conclusion? Like I do write about good/nice stuff etc. but with so solution or resolution inside.
Tragic?
In that time yes.
Okay.
I write because this is the way for me to express my feelings, to serve my inside world on the plate. I don’t talk, so I have to write and ventilate all of the good and bad out of my system. My topics don’t always have a point, solution, conclusion, advice or something even fucking deeper than normal…honestly, there is a lot hidden in all of it. Unfortunately, people can’t really decode it. At least people I want, can’t decode it, maybe they are not even reading at all. I don’t know.

What do I really trying to say?

                                    Art is not what I create.
                                     What I create is chaos.

 

A mess of everything that comes to my mind at this particular second, while I am sitting inside of the room 119, while having a lecture. This is my chaos that only I truly understand. I hope that maybe someday, somebody will decode it. Or maybe not.

Maybe this is only my fragility and maybe a fragility of a lot of people.

I can admit that my chaos is fragile, but how about you?

N.

P.s: Heaven is fragile too, maybe that’s why I take a photo almost everyday.

Why not?

Give it a try.

Being happy nowadays is something pretty rare I would say.
There are plenty of people who feel upset with a plenty of issues as a package. Being constantly in bad mood, seeing the world just in black and white..I rather won’t continue because I have a feeling that I don’t have to. I don’t know how about you, but I decided not to be one of them.

 

Are you asking why?
 Just out of curiosity- what good brought sadness to your life?
 None.

 

I stopped leaving myself in a small room laying in bed not knowing what to do. I told myself- Why not give it a try? Okay, tbh  still not the best, still having this “new people anxiety” but I am working on it.
How about you? Have you ever tried to grab yourself and drag your soul outside to see the colours?

I am happy and grateful for those ordinary things that we, let’s say, take as a natural part of our lives.
You don’t even know how happy I am when I start to laugh and I totally burst out laughing, and the feeling? Something amazing. I am being happy when I discover a new song, finish reading some interesting book, or even when I wake up and finally feel at least a little bit relaxed and chilled.
I am glad to have a few friends, family and I am even happy for food and hot shower.
I am lucky to be able to see all those colours around me, around us. Because when the seasons are changing, we are kinda changing all with them. Turning around and around in circles year by year.
I am grateful that I am able to travel sometimes. To see the places that I’ve never been to, taking pictures, memorizing the perfect moment with that one person. I am grateful for him, for every single smile of his, for every single touch. Finally after that nasty period of time I feel …hmm I can’t even describe it, it’s something new. I need to explore that firstly.

There are always a lot of things that make life simple and easy and now, I am trying my best to think about them more than I used to think about the bad ones that happened or will happen to me. I am trying to convince myself that I don’t have to feel down. There are days when I feel like winning this race, but then I realize that the race just begun so I am saving you a seat here beside me.

So let’s race.

N.

P.s: It doesn’t mater it’s getting dark, you can still turn on the lights.

Breathe in, breathe out

one. . two. .three. . .breathe in ↔ one. . two. .three. . .breathe out.

Sometimes you get into a situation when you just need to write and write it all down, because the feeling is a lot more stronger than you.

Write about people, write about all the negligible details of some occasion, about situations, memories, hours and hours of talking and stuff. And then something happens and you are not sure if you want to write about them anymore. Because of what? Because you got hurt.

A simple example of human being. Does that ring a bell?

Wake up people, that's life:

∗Where people will screw you over and you won’t even know how it happened because it will come from nowhere.
∗Where you’ll fight with your family for something so ridiculous, you won’t even know how to explain how mad are you, because of some teeny tiny thing and of course for them not getting you, your ideas and thoughts and not appreciating you in a way you would want.
∗Where you will be a witness of things that’ll catch you and hold you tight,so you won’t be able to run away when you’ll gonna watch that one movie of all the thing you don’t really want to happen, but it will happen anyway, because if it’s supposed to happen, it surely will.
∗Where you will blame your presence for what happened in the past. You’ll feel somehow unable to receive and also give it back. Because of the wounds that are still a little teared (I can say that mines are getting better, but yea, who knows…maybe if he is reading this, he knows). Being scared is supernormal and you should have realized that a very long time ago.
∗Where you’ll loose people who meant a world to you. Betrayal, talking shit, faux amis…whatever. Anything can happen. And believe me, when it happens you won’t be ready and it will hurt. Eventually, the wounds will be filled with something new, something else, maybe even better.

People are programmed to not to stay alone. Everybody is searching for something that will give them hope. So...you'll see.

So after this (at least one of those things) you will realize one thing. The thing is, that every single person has a certain past. Sure, you will cry at some point, you will laugh that your lungs won’t be able to work because of that amount of laughter, you’ll embarrass yourself in front of someone who you care about, you will miss people who are not worth of your time, you will feel sorry for all the things you’ve done wrong.

BUT then, you will find your own moment, The moment where none of that what happened matters- and just after this you can sit down comfortably and realize that this stuff happens to people who can handle stuff  and they got so freaking strong from that experience.
And believe me or not, if you went through something similar – you are one of them. Because if you can handle this, then you can handle anything. I don’t know if you know, but people often get into a mental pain which can be sometimes even worse than the physical one. But that’s for some other talk.

Keep this on your mind and remind it someday, when it happens again.

Just breathe deeply and move along, even if this one ⇓, is a dark one, just go.

N.

P.s: Not that dark to be unable to follow the light if it’s in need.

Turn it off

,,Too many thoughts for one night.”

---

I was standing under the hot shower, like every single other day, thinking about all the stuff that happened today, particularly this night, thinking about one thing above others – What are you exactly doing, when you don’t know what are you supposed to do? Which way are you going? Sometimes I am asking myself, if somebody can explain it all to me, because there are days, when I am totally lost in it.

It’s so fucking hard sometimes, to do the right thing, when you don’t even know which one of them is the right one. How am I supposed to know? Nobody’s ever gonna tell you and that’s the scary thing. You should just try and believe, that the way you are taking isn’t the worst one, because when you take the worst one, you are making yourself even more fucked up, drowning, generally feeling sad with knowing that you are doing it to yourself.

This emotional outburst was just…this was something I didn’t really expect to come today.

Yea. . it’s alright. At the end of the day it’s all alright, because when you are going to sleep, you should be feeling okay. But, then there’s the question. When the hell is it gonna be okay? When the real time’s gonna come and you’ll really feel it’s really okay?…Again, nobody’s gonna tell you. Oh hell yes.

Conclusion? NO there is no conclusion again, because you are the person who is supposed to figure it all out by yourself. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I know that you will figure it out. And I am gonna figure it out too.

There is still a way, but you just have to find it and live through it and hold it as long as possible. Because when you don’t hold it..you feel so fucking empty. . .  You are often saying to yourself: ,,I just, I can’t do this anymore. I have to be truthful to myself. There is something happening and I have to figure it out.”
There is something, that every single person carries in themselves and going through it every single day, if it’s happy or it’s sad, but it’s still something. You just desperately need to figure out what is it.

All things I am talking about are not just from the general point of view, something that’s really happening. I hope that at the end of the day, when you are going finally to sleep, having a numb feeling, just wanna lay, don’t want to feel a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g what you felt during the day. You are supposed to forget everything, you are supposed to be happy and chilled etc. You need to realize a lot of things, if you really wanna fall asleep with a light and easy feeling.

Manage yourself to go to sleep today and sleep for real. It’s gonna be a good one, you turn off everything, feeling calm and peaceful, because that’s something that everybody really deserves, am I right?

Yea. . it’s alright. Because at the end of the day you will  know, that there is a new day behind the door and has a very good expectations to be even better that today was. You just have to figure it out.

I really hope you will.

N.

Mind games

,,There were all mind games..”- he said.
,,Don’t worry.”

Even if you don’t want to admit it, there is a critical situation (situations?) in your life, when you just feel the pressure, feeling uncomfortable, you don’t fucking like it, asking yourself this one simple question- ,,Are we out of the woods yet?” even if you know, you are not. This is the thing- you need somebody to stay by your side, to tell you that you re not out yet, but you are on the right way to get there. You can’t really be alone for the rest of your life, because it’s gonna destroy you. If you really wanna get there, you need to do things for that.

Situations like that-desperation, all the freekishly weird stuff happening in your head- and you are thinking- loosing all hope was just a simple freedom for you. You lost your hope and suddenly it was all a lot easier- for some time. Do you think that this is right? Yes, so many people are thinking like this. Not for the whole time, but in the particular period of their life, when they just feel that something’s wrong, more importantly, not the way they want it. Being lonely doesn’t really help, you know. Not seeking that desperately and finding, indeed helps a lot in a mental condition of a person. I know I am repeating it all over, but it’s always to have friend by your side, because you don’t really wanna go crazy.

It’s all about your inside world. It’s all about what you have in your mind, how you think and last but not least –  how strong you are, to deal with big/small problems/issues. Basically it’s a mind game, your mind is playing games with you. Are you feeling stuck? I know it sounds depressive and stuff, but still, everything you feel is wrong, is just happening in your head, you are able to change it whenever you want to change it. As I was standing on the balcony, smoking the last cigarette, staring at this beautiful sunset, I knew all of it. When I want to be okay, I am gonna be, if not, I am not gonna be okay. Simple as that. You just need to convince yourself about the simple statement in your mind. Do it and things will move on.

N.

Say something

“…it only takes one voice, at the right pitch, to start an avalanche.”

Even if today was kind of a better day in some ways, I decided to talk about something what is not that positive in general- being afraid to speak up.There are lot of people in this world who – when it comes to that – never say a word when something’s happening, either in their life or if they have to speak up for some other person. Okay, being afraid is perfectly normal, being scared that at the end you will come out as the worst one, okay- everything’s okay, but (!) if not, then you will help yourself, or the satisfaction from helping the others is worth of it all. Yes, sometimes, it can be hard to distinguish yes or no, but if you feel that it’s right, then it’s right. Words are here for communication, so say something before it’s too late.

N. 

P.s: Why those photos? Yes, say something before the light goes off.

Choice

“When you light a candle, you also cast a shadow.”

The thing is, that we don’t always  want to pick the bright side, sometimes we are tempted to pick  the dark one. You asking why? Because we are just people and we are allowed to pick the exact thing we want, if we have a chance. People tend not to pick what they really want for a wide variety of reasons, e.g they are scared, not confident enough, afraid to speak up or whatever. If you wanna pick the dark from time to time it’s always gonna be your idea and your decision your choice, but you know that you picked right even if it’s not the light, because YOU wanted it. Everybody always suggests light, but without one important knowledge – in every light is a piece of darkness and also in every darkness is a piece of light too. 

Don’t ever forget about that.

N.

 

Capture the moment

“What are we, if not an accumulation of our memories?”

I was walking to the university a few days ago and when I saw this view, I just had to take a photo of it. Because that’s the thing with photos- they will last for ever, but our minds won’t. So basically I am trying to capture everything I can before the time runs out, like those clouds.
When you just think about it a little, everything is changing. Day by day, week by week. You just look over your shoulder, the year is almost over and it was like yesterday it started. So many things happened during this year, I am sure that I am not the only one who sees it that way. I think that life makes sense as we are growing up, but sometimes even then, it’s not making sense at all. Life is weird, but try to live it as much as you can, because soon all of this is going to be memories.

N.

Choose your morning path

“You must wake up in the morning thinking of things you could change in and about your life on a daily basis.”

Today I woke up as usual- too early for me (thanks mom -_-“) and went out with the dog. This is what I saw. It made me actually wake up a little bit more because I went out like half asleep and the sun just gave me some energy. So basically the picture was taken literally like 5 minutes ago.
Anyway, the picture refers one thing to me- two parts of the world- the light one and the one which is not that light- dark. Ask me, you can always choose. You have aways a choice and it’s up to you and nobody else which one you’re gonna pick. I think sometimes it’s kinda hard to know which one to take, because you are  (maybe) too young to know which one is the right one, but at the end you’ll know, believe me 🙂 Just do what you love and what you need to make yourself happy and things will work out exactly how are they supposed to!

N

Perfect timing

“In Light there is Dark, and in Dark there is Light.”

Yesterday I was on my way to see my dad at his place and I was walking to a bus stop thinking about sooo many things (if you do read my articles you know that it’s kinda usual for me) feeling kinda tired because it was the end of the looong school week (finally!). I have always loved those perfect timed photos in a perfect time of the day- the particular time when the sun is laying down and you just see the last little trying of the sun saing “goodnight”. To add the “scary tree fingers” were just a bonus for a perfect half-dark impression- half light half dark!

N